The Worst TV Shows of 2013 from The Fien Print
Did 'Dracula' and 'Dads' make the cut? Of course they did!
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A lot of these shows were covered in the Firewall & Iceberg Worst of 2013 podcast, but hopefully some of it will be new.
Those of you who regularly read my Worst Of... lists know that I have a very simple rule: I have to watch the shows I insult. Regularly. Or at least semi-regularly. I'll leave it to others to mock the "Billion Pound Scrotum" or Honey Boo-Boos of the world, either because they actually suffer through that crap or because they like to insult things sight-unseen. That's not the way I list things, which confuses people every single year. I'm not sure why it's confusing. I list shows I actually KNOW were bad and didn't mysteriously get better, rather than writing off a show based on an awful pilot and then hearing from fans that things got miraculously awesome. Whatever.
Because there were so many so-so network shows this fall, I found myself giving much more time to tracking the progress of the initialy mediocrities -- "Tomorrow People," "Mom," "Reign," etc -- and much less time sticking with the truly bad pilots. "Betrayal," for example, was the dullest pilot I've ever watched, but since I didn't bother tuning in for another second, it's not in this gallery. "Hostages" was slightly less dull than "Betrayal," so I watched a second episode, but not a third, meaning it's not in this gallery either. [I stuck both shows on my Dishonorable Mentions slide, but I didn't tear them to pieces the way I did with my actual "Worst" entries.]
And, as always, "Worst" for me has many meanings. Some of the shows here are just plain horrible as pieces of entertainment. Some of them, however, were just so disappointing that they left me crushed in a different way.
Anyway, this is my list and I make my own darned rules. So maybe I should just call it my Bottom 10 of 2013?
There are only two shows making return appearances in my Bottom 10. The most interesting exclusion was HBO's "True Blood." I had it in my preliminary Bottom 10, but realized when I tried to think back on awful moments, but I remembered NOTHING from this past season. Warlow? Who's that. So as much as I love to mock "True Blood," a forgettable season, even a season THIS forgettable, constitutes a genuine improvement. It's in the Dishonorable Mention field as well.
Anyway... Check out my list and tell me I'm wrong. You're probably not gonna change my opinion! And sound off with your own least favorites.
1997 | Crime | RSummary: Quentin Tarantino adaptats an Elmore Leonard novel into this story of a few increasingly desperate people scraping to get by.Director: Quentin Tarantino
Cast: Pam Grier, Samuel L. Jackson, Robert Forster
1995 | Mystery | NRSummary: Denzel Washington plays an out of work WWII vet who takes the wrong job and is soon neck-deep in a mess of politics, murder, and jazz in '40s Los Angeles.Director: Carl Franklin
Cast: Denzel Washington, Tom Sizemore, Jennifer Beals
2013 | Drama | RSummary: Leonardo DiCaprio and Jonah Hill have boundless energy in the story of a real-life commodities crook who earned millions through scummy small-time stock trades.Director: Martin Scorsese
Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Jonah Hill, Margot Robbie
2013 | Comedy | NRSummary: Insanely funny comedy show created by Amy Schumer, who stars in brilliantly funny sketches about sex, city living, dating, and friendship.Director: Daniel Powell, Amy Schumer (creators)
Cast: Amy Schumer, Kevin Kane, Mike Houston
1996 | Crime | RSummary: Jerry, a small-town Minnesota car salesman is bursting at the seams with debt... but he's got a plan. He's going to hire two thugs to kidnap his wife in a scheme to collect a hefty ransom from his wealthy father-in-law. It's going to be a snap and nobody's going to get hurt... until people start ...Director: Joel Coen
Cast: William H. Macy, Frances McDormand, Steve Buscemi, Peter Stormare
2007 | Comedy | PGSummary: Newlyweds Nick (Ice Cube) and Suzanne (Long) decide to move to the suburbs to provide a better life for their two kids. But their idea of a dream home is disturbed by a contractor (McGinley) with a bizarre approach to business.Director: Steve Carr
Cast: John C. McGinley, Ice Cube, Nia Long, Aleisha Allen
1993 | Sports | PGSummary: Emotionally powerful sports classic featuring Sean Astin as a skinny high school kid with big football dreams and the determination to make his way towards his dream team at Notre Dame.Director: David Anspaugh
Cast: Sean Astin, Jon Favreau, Ned Beatty
2008 | Science Fiction | PGSummary: Animated series continues the story of Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker as they battle the Emperor Palpatine, Count Dooku and General Grievous, but also takes time to explore other smaller characters in the Star Wars universe.Director: George Lucas (creator)
Cast: Tom Kane, Dee Bradley Baker, Matt Lanter
2013 | Thriller | RSummary: Based on the true story of Daniel Lugo (Mark Wahlberg) a Miami bodybuilder who wants to live the American dream. He would like to have the money that other people have. So he enlists the help of fellow bodybuilder Adrian Doorbal (Anthony Mackie) and ex-convict, Christian bodybuilder Paul Doyle (D...Director: Michael Bay
Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson, Anthony Mackie, Tony Shalhoub
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