Super Bowl Sunday, Baby!
I'm not gonna lie: Going into the conference final games two weeks ago, there were two teams I would have happily been able to root for and two teams I was, at best, apathetic on. Naturally, the Patriots and 49ers lost, so I have only minimal rooting interest in the Super Bowl itself. I'm half-heartedly rooting for the Seahawks because I like Russell Wilson, as a USC fan I appreciate the good years Pete Carroll gave us (leaving aside the probation), and because I'm always willing to root against Peyton Manning.
Mostly, though, this live-blog will be about the commercials. I know they've all been available online this week, but I've skipped all of them, because what's the fun of a Super Bowl if you've seen all of the ads. I know there's something with a puppy and a horse. I've heard somebody about Tom Hiddleston and Jaguar. But the ads themselves? They're all gonna be new to me.
So click through and join the conversation! Or start the conversation if people aren't talking!
3:21 p.m. Pacific. Renee Fleming doing the National Anthem. I like it. It takes any uncertainty out of the "Star-Spangled Banner."
3:21 p.m. Yeah. She can handle that.
3:23 p.m. Remember that the commercials don't *really* count until after the kick-off.
3:24 p.m. It's "Noah" like you've never seen it before! Now with more Hermione!
3:28 p.m. If I had a spirit coat, it would be Joe Namath's current coat.
3:29 p.m. Seattle wins the toss and defers. But really, Joe Namath won the toss and as Suzie Kolber can tell you, he rarely defers.
3:30 p.m. Rob Riggle is joined by a cute dog and he's plugging for Ford Fusion.
3:31 p.m. And now James Franco is Rob Riggle. I know James Franco likes to work, but surely we expect better of James Franco? No? Did we stop? When did that happen? When did we just start accepting that James Franco had no taste? Or at least no discretion?
3:33 p.m. KICKOFF!
3:33 p.m. The game starts with a safety?!? Wow. I did not have that in my betting pool. If you did, you can probably skip work tomorrow.
3:35 p.m. Also? Peyton Manning Face within one minute. That was unexpected.
3:42 p.m. Our first break!
3:42 p.m. Our first commercial is for Bud Light. Ian Rappaport takes a beer and he's off on an adventure. So far, he's just in a limo with Reggie Watts.
3:43 p.m. Quvenzhane Wallis is in a commercial for... something. It's evocative, but it's mostly evocative if you happen to have seen "Beasts of the Southern Wild." It's for Maserati. "Now we strike" is the tag line. Somehow, I'm less disappointed in Quvenzhane Wallis' Super Bowl sell-out than in James Franco's.
3:47 p.m. Our first Doritos commercial features a kid named Jimmy setting up a cardboard box time machine that runs on Doritos.
3:47 p.m. "A man. A man and his truck." And his bull! A man is taking his bull out to stud? "You Sexy Thing" plays as the bull steps out to meet the cows. The was apparently a commercial for Chevy Silverado. And now the bull gets laid, I assume. I'm not sure what bull sperm has to do with Chevy. But... I'm sure it'll work!
3:51 p.m. The Denver offense could totally use some Chevy bull jism.
3:52 p.m. JESSE PINKMAN! He's still driving away from the "Breaking Bad" finale. And driving. And driving. And punching! And driving! He has... a "Need for Speed."
3:53 p.m. John C. Reilly is narrating a story in which a kid sits on his coach and at watches some guy named Sean dance with his girlfriend at prom. And... TurboTax? At least he didn't go to the prom and sexually assault the girl like that kid in last year's Audi ad. Also, why is that kid worrying about his taxes anyway? He's 15. How much money is TurboTax really gonna get him back?
3:54 p.m. An eclipse passes over New York City. "He Is Here." Ooooh. "The Strain." That would be FX's new summer vampire drama, in case you don't know.
3:58 p.m. The Denver defense also needs some Chevy bull sperm.
4:03 p.m. Another challenge! That means commercials!
4:04 p.m. The Bud Light Reggie Watts Party Bus is continuing. It's Don Cheadles with an alpaca named Lilly! And twins! "This is a bizarre night," Ian says. It's The Former Governor of California! In a wig! Playing ping pong. Oh. It was a llama, not an alpaca. That ruins everything. I'd rather ride in a party limo with Reggie Watts and be on stage with OneRepublic.
4:05 p.m. Ellen DeGeneres is in a scary fairy tale world and she goes into the house of the 3 Bears. She samples the music for each of the bears. The first few aren't right. Finally, something with BeatsMusic is just right. So she dances with the bears and a semi-random wolf. I guess that was cute. And freaky. I'm a fan of anthropomorphized animals, so that part worked for me. I'm not 100 percent sure, though, that I know what BeatsMusic is.
4:08 p.m. U2 has a new song. It sounds like other U2 songs. It's plugging... Red. OK. That's a good cause. Obviously.
4:08 p.m. A semi-cute commercial features a father protecting his father in not-especially-well-rendered home movie footage. Hyundai brakes can also save the day. Yawn. At least I understand what the primal hook of that commercial is. Bull sperm. No?
4:12 p.m. Cam Chancellor took the Chevy Bull Sperm!
4:12 p.m. I'm glad that this Cheerios commercial has bounced back from all of the idiotic racists on YouTube to become a franchise. Because the kid is adorable.
4:12 p.m. Well, this is pretty much every nightmare I've ever had. "We can't chance what the web has become," says the ad, whcih is for something called SquareSpace.
4:14 p.m. Radio Shack has become dated. "The '80s called. They want their store back," a clerk says. And then the '80s enter the store and tear it apart. Kid 'n' Play! The California Raisins! Mary Lou Retton! Chucky! Alf! Hulk Hugan! Teen Wolf! The *is* the '80s. I'm genuinely not sure how many of those things were the real things. Was that actually the California Raisins?
4:16 p.m. Set to Ane Brun's "Don't Leave," we have a very nicely shot commercial for Chevy. It relates to World Cancer day. I guess that's an apology for the Bull Sperm ad?
4:17 p.m. It's John Turturro. He's walking through a house and introducing us to Gwen. She's making puppets and quitting her job. The commercial is for GoDaddy and it is the least offensive GoDaddy commercial in years. Nice course-correction, guys.
4:23 p.m. We're back to Bud Light, though this commercial is just a clubbing bottle. No Ian Rappaport to be seen.
4:24 p.m. "Everyone thinks I want a contract, but without one I've done so much this year," says Tim Tebow. He's delivered babies, found Bigfoot, negotiated world peace and gone to the Moon. "Contracts are limited, yes they are," Tebow says. The commercial is for T-Mobile. It's cute that Tebow is pretending his year off was a choice. But that's still an effective commercial with a very clear message.
4:25 p.m. Naysayers tell the subject that you can't build a factory in America, hire Americans or use American raw materials. Apparently WeatherTech.com does.
4:25 p.m. Mark Wahlberg is helping us fight transformers in "Transformers: Age of Extinction." That was a crazy bland commercial, though I liked the transformer with the sword riding the other transformer like a steed. Still, you spend Super Bowl money for a commercial, you'd better give me something to talk about at the watercooler. And yes, HitFix has a watercooler. I'm reasonably sure, though, that "Mark Wahlberg mouth-breathing" isn't going to be a conversation topic. Are we really *that* excited about Dinobots? I'm not.
4:31 p.m. Like I said, I'm rooting for Seattle, but only a little. On the whole, I'd rather have a good game than a Seattle rout. Thus, I may need to root for the Broncos for a bit.
4:38 p.m. Wow. The rout is on. Peyton Manning Face!
4:39 p.m. A father is excited that his car turned over to 100K miles. His daughter Darcy is not impressed. So he tells her that every time a VW hits 100K, a German engineer gets his wings. All over the VW factory? Wings. "I hate these wingie-thingies," an engineer complains.
4:41 p.m. Stephen Colbert and an eagle in a green tie pitch for pistachios.
4:41 p.m. Former soccer player David Beckham runs around in his underwear for H&M.
4:41 p.m. Stephen Colbert is back. With pistachios everywhere. He also splits his head open to reveal a pistachio head inside his head.
4:43 p.m. Spider-Man! He does whatever a spider can. Rhino! Elector! Dane DeHaan! Explosion. Sally Field!
4:44 p.m. A man who bought his car on CarMax gets a slow clap that includes a bear and... RUDY!
4:44 p.m. Is this Geico commercial new? We know the talking pig.
4:45 p.m. A creepy Russian mobster threatens to chop up an Yellow M&M who doesn't speak Russian and is amused by the whole thing. But why did he think he was being abducted and driven around in the trunk of a car?
4:48 p.m. Two minute warning, so... More commercials! We're starting with a coke ad with "America The Beautiful" playing in the background. It works for me, covering the beauty of America as a melting pot. Then again, I've already had a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke to drink during this game.
4:49 p.m. Sonos speakers look nice. But that apartment looks even nicer. I have apartment envy. I can pass on the speakers.
4:50 p.m. Well that was a tease. Some flames and people running through the streets, followed by the blooping of the "24" countdown clock. Not even Kiefer yelling, "DAMNIT!" once? Boo.
4:54 p.m. Terry Crews is a star of a FOX show. He's driving a highlander. And he's giving a lift to Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. "DRUMS!" And they take Terry Crews around the country. They mash grapes. They march in a Mardis Gras parade. Terry Crews loses his shirt. Terry Crews works out.
4:58 p.m. It's halftime. That means Pizza Eggrolls and taking a blogging break!
5:28 p.m. We're back! We're back! And Seattle starts the half with the football...
5:32 p.m. And Percy Harvin GOES TO TOWN. Which company gets to start the second half ads?
5:38 p.m. This DoberWawa commercial is already a repeat. It's not unfunny. But we saw this before the game. I like the Sarah McLachlan cameo. I don't understand how it's an Audi commercial.
5:39 p.m. Very cute commercial for GoldieBlox and Intuit seems to be empowering for girls. So that's nice.
5:40 p.m. Tim Tebow T-Mobile commercial Part 2. Contracts hold you back. We get it.
5:41 p.m. Another "24" commercial. If they don't show Kiefer by the end of the game, this will be a missed opportunity.
5:44 p.m. "In a world filled with war... sometimes the most powerful weapon is love," says the tag line of what I'm assuming is a fake trailer. Nope. It's a commercial for something called Axe Peace. Congratulations, Axe, for even making world peace seem douchy.
5:44 p.m. A bear terrorizes a small town. I have no clue what it has to do with Chibani yogurt and all I can think of is the "Fat Dog" punchline on "Community" this past week.
5:52 p.m. Larry Fishburne! He's doing Morpheus for Kia. It's not especially clever, at least not initially, but having Larry "sing" opera at the end kinda turns the corner. I'm amused. Perplexed, but amused.
5:53 p.m. Is that Sprint commercial with the beard national? Or is it just being beamed to my TV because I like beards.
5:54 p.m. Lame "If You're Happy And You Know It" ketchup commercial ends with an old lady getting the catsup for the final farting noise. Lame.
5:56 p.m. This football game is sad and embarrassing.
5:57 p.m. "Great game, right?" Bruce Willis says. I don't understand why Fred Armisen is hugging Bruce Willis or what it has to do with Honda. [Apparently it's a "Portlandia" thing. Thanks, Twitter!]
5:57 p.m. Awww. A soldier coming home. Incidentally, if you haven't watched Friday's "Enlisted," you really should. It's a Budweiser ad and... It's a real soldier. Chuck Nadd. He's at the Super Bowl. Awww.
6:03 p.m. That was not good tackling. Need more Chevy Bull Sperm.
6:04 p.m. "Is there anything more American than America," asks a commercial featuring Bob Dylan strumming and lots of well-edited Americana. "Detroit made cars and cars made America," Bob Dylan says. This is the clearest he's ever sounded. This is a rather glorious commercial, following in the footsteps of such find Detroit-centric commercials as That Clint Eastwood thing. Chrysler. But why should we let Asia assemble our phones? Or Germany make our beers? Nobody has authorized you to surrender our beer or phone industries, Bob Dylan.
6:12 p.m. The game is back! 36-8! Easy comeback.
6:12 p.m. The NFL gets the first post-3rd Quarter commercial.
6:13 p.m. Yeah, you're not all seeing this Jack in the Box ad, so we've moved into local-heavy time.
6:14 p.m. Vampire Bill, Sookie and Puffy for Time Warner Cable? Is this local? The Duck Dynasty guys! The guy from "Degrassi"! The stars of "Ray Donovan"!
6:19 p.m. A little boy named Adrian is called in off the bench. He runs into the end zone and just keeps on running. Jump! Jump! I think he's advertising for Coke.
6:20 p.m. Mr. Butterfinger helps Chocolate and Peanut Butter improve their sex life. Ew. At least it's not a bull having sex with the chocolate or the peanut butter.
6:24 p.m. What is technology? And is anybody still watching this football game? And why? This commercial for Skynet. Oh. Wait. Microsoft.
6:25 p.m. Johnny Galecki? Richard Lewis? I don't understand. Hyundai.
6:28 p.m. Whew. A high profile commercial! I'd been so bored! It's the ad for Jaguar with Tom Hiddleston, Mark Strong and Ben Kingsley talking about why Brits always play the villains in movies. It's a well-shot, well-produced commercial that constantly makes clear what it's a commercial for.
6:29 p.m. "Full House" reunion for Oikos yogurt. That could have been better. It does, however, raise a key question: Who loves yogurt more, women or bears?
6:35 p.m. Contracts are bad, T-Mobile reminds us in an ad that's only words on a pink background.
6:36 p.m. Wait. I thought this Scarlett Johansson commercial was rejected for a variety of reasons.
6:36 p.m. Chaos in the streets of London and... JACK BAUER! AND CHLOE! Damn straight. Finally. That was a terrific payoff to all of those "24: Union Jack Bauer" teases. I would have taken just one "DAMNIT," though. Perhaps when Jack saw the score of the football game?
6:50 p.m. Wow. Garbage time in a Super Bowl.
6:48 p.m. Oh my gosh. PUPPY. PUPPY. PUPPY. For Budweiser.
6:51 p.m. Roided freaks running in the street. To get spray-tans. So much for GoDaddy's newfound class.
6:52 p.m. DOGGIE. For Doritos.
6:55 p.m. The Seattle Seahawks are Super Bowl Champions.
That's for reading along, folks!