MTV Movie Awards 2015 Live-Blog
Welcome to my live-blog for the 2015 MTV Movie Awards, the year's only kudosfest likely to make me perpetually check for the correct spelling of "Ansel Elgort."
Sunday's (April 12) show is being hosted by Amy Schumer and offers the intrigue of Oscar winner Eddie Redmayne going against Zoe Saldana for Best On-Screen Transformation, but then makes you wonder how if Eddie Redmayne was eligible for stuff, he isn't up for Best Male Performance. And who doesn't like an award show pitting "Guardians of the Galaxy" against "Boyhood" against "Selma" for Movie of the Year?
Ladies and Gentlemen... The MTV Movie Awards!
7:57 p.m. ET. Every MTV event does little more than make me feel old.
7:59 p.m. Congratulations to Dylan O'Brien for winning a Best Hero award and for being the star of a TV show on MTV. Why doesn't MTV do the MTV TV Awards? Is it just because "Teen Wolf" would win everything?
8:00 p.m. Amy Schumer begins with a parody of "Boyhood" imagining her future. Then she's sharing a scene with the stars of "Pitch Perfect." But Anna Camp doesn't want Amy to sing with them. Then she's in a scene from "Divergent" choosing her destiny and learning from Chelsea Peretti that she's Divergent. She protests that she lost her diverginity when she was 17. J.K. Simmons shows up to asks what she's got. He disapproves of her hosting style. Then Schumer bursts into a scene from "Fault in Her Stars," where she explains that her cancer is nervousness about hosting. Then she's suggesting to Elizabeth Banks/Effie Trinket that instead of side-boob, she's going for side vag. Effie sends Amy up into The Hunger Games, or at least onto a stage full of aggressive dancers who terrify her, as you would. Getting over her fear, she joins in. She closes by failing to shoot an arrow.
8:06 p.m. "Oh my God, I killed Jimmy Kimmel," she says. That would have been funnier if she'd shot an arrow. Or if that had been funny.
8:07 p.m. OK. Let's try again. "Usually my lower back tattoo is the target," she says to Kimmel. Ew. Thanks, Amy! She jokes that half of the audience doesn't know who she is and half thinks she's Meghan Trainor. This leads into promotion for Amy's upcoming movie "Trainwreck," with the same joke about her male stunt double. "MTV is the one network that refuses to play music," she jokes to the winners, which she says are voted on by the same people who keep "Catfish" and "Teen Mom" on the air. Dwarf joke transitioning between Snooki and Kevin Hart, who is smaller than his children. "Kevin, you really should be winning the Can't Say No To a Movie Award," she jokes to Kevin Hart. "He was the fake baby in 'American Sniper,'" she kids. "Did you know that if Kevin Hart sees his shadow, we get six more Kevin Hart movies?" she says. Schumer makes a Latina joke, which causes the director to cut over to a confused J-Lo. "Any time I watch those guys, at least two of my fingers disappear," Schumer jokes of "Magic Mike." "Furious 7, which is what they're calling the people who saw 'Jupiter Ascending,'" she cracks. "This is going to be the party of the year. I just hope Harrison Ford doesn't crash it," Schumer says, ending her monologue and introducing Vin Diesel.
8:12 p.m. Vin! He mentions that the last time he was on the stage, he was with "Pablo." Awww. He's presenting Best Female Performance. The winner is... Shailene Woodley for "The Fault in Our Stars." My parents once hung out with Shailene Woodley at an airport gate. "I feel like this award belongs to Jon Green," she says. "His words will transcend time, because they transcend any time," she says. Awww. Very nice for her to pay tribute to the writer and director of "Fault in Our Stars." [That was sarcastic. But sure. John Green.]
8:18 p.m. Why so serious, Chris Pratt? They're just dinosaurs.
8:19 p.m. "Everyone's tweeting about 'Younger,'" says the commercial for "Younger," which was watched by under 670,000 viewers last week.
8:20 p.m. "This drought in California is horrible," Schumer says. "It's all I can think about for another couple minutes," Schumer says. "Tell Wall Street... Bring back our water," she says. "It's like, you can lead a horse to water, but... why?" she says. And speaking of water, she says the cast of "Magic Mike XXL" makes it rain in her Spanx. Excellent.
8:21 p.m. "We're living in some seriously scary times, aren't we? Women are taking over," Channing Tatum says. Again, we cut to J-Lo. They're presenting Best Scart as Sh#! performance. I guess that's why we cut to J-Lo? Because she's nominated here? The winner is... Jennifer Lopez for "The First Edition of the Iliad." Woot. "We're not gonna get a little dance number? Nothing?" J-Lo asks. Tatum shakes his rump a little. She thanks Ryan Guzman for scaring the sh#! out of herself. "Banking on yourself can be scary, but it's rewarding," she explains.
8:24 p.m. Bella Thorne is in MTV's "Scream"? I hadn't realized.
8:28 p.m. It's a commercial for "Inside Amy Schumer," presumably for the people who didn't know who Amy Schumer was 30 minutes ago.
8:29 p.m. Paul Rodriguez introduces the trailer for "We Are Blood." I've never heard of this movie, but it's "a movie celebrating skateboarding." Man, in my day we called it "Gleaming the Cube." Tee-hee. long movie masturbation skit. It's not just for Pee-Wee Herman anymore. Tee-hee. People had baseball bats and ponies and dryers and gourds.
8:32 p.m. Because it's been 15 minutes since Shailene Woodley was honored... Trailblazer Award time. Miles Teller is presenting it. He insists he's doing it without a speech and I believe it, too. It's a sweet tribute to Shailene Woodley's wackiness and her "radiant, positive light." After a very brief clip package, it's time for Shailene to give us all a heart-hug. "You were amazing in 'Whiplash.' You were so good," Woodley tells her frequent co-star. Woodley remembers a speech by a historical Trailblazer winner, the geriatric Emma Stone. "I realized that we can't fully be ourselves without a community," she says. It's all about who we pick up on the trail along the way and who becomes our community. "Whoever your community is, be pillars for those people," she says and urges us to either blaze on or trailblaze on.
8:42 p.m. I would like to see "Mad Max Fury Road" right now, please.
8:42 p.m. Mark Wahlberg and Jessie J have been confusingly paired for Best Comedic Performance. They banter about her accent and British lingo for anal sex. The winner, accompanied by graphic of a pooping dog, is... Channing Tatum for "22 Jump Street." He only dances a little. "Look, it's unfair for me to get an award for just getting to hang out with my buddy Jonah," he says.
8:45 p.m. Amy Schumer observes that everybody there is spectacular hot. The ushers are topless hunks. "I'll see you at the afterparty. I'll show you to my seat," she says. "Do I ever register as a human to you guys?" she asks. "You're in Ohio, you feel pretty? Keep it there," she says of people who consider themselves hot elsewhere.
8:47 p.m. Zac Efron and Emily Ratajkowski are introducing a performance from Fall Out Boy and Fetty Wap. I don't know who Fetty Wap is. Because I'm old. But you knew that already.
8:52 p.m. Oooh. "Scream" commercial. It looks like a thing that exists. Or will exist.
8:56 p.m. Amy Schumer is auditioning for "Foxcatcher," but she thought it was a comedy. And now she's auditioning for "The Imitation Game" by repeating the things the the casting director says. She also auditions for "Nightcrawler" and "Into the Woods." She confuses "Selma" with Salma Hayek. And she wears a Groot costume.
8:59 p.m. Scarlett Johansson and other people who are in "Avengers: Age of Ultron" are presenting an extended commercial for "Age of Ultron" and a tribute to Robert Downey Jr. In addition to advertising for an upcoming movie that doesn't need the promotion, they're also giving RDJ the Generation Award or something. I'm glad there are a couple clips from movies RJD did in the '80s and '90s. Because "Air America" needed to be a part of this.
9:02 p.m. The Invincible Robert Downer Jr. is wearing a suit and white sneakers, plus red-tinted glasses. He has hugs aplenty for his fellow Avengers. RDJ remembers witnessing the first MTV Movie Awards and he has been waiting 10 years for this Generation Award. "I've grown up, I've struggled, I've failed, I've succeeded, I've partied way too much," he says, among other things he's done. "I've tried to live honorably and never forget my love of the game or my friends," he adds. "So now, check out this exclusive world premiere clip," he says, gracefully.
9:05 p.m. Hulk Smash.
9:10 p.m. This is an intriguing catsuit that Amy Schumer is wearing. She has two superpowers: "One, I have no gag reflex. And two? I can fly," she says, soaring above the stage on a wire. She introduces the cast of "Fantastic Four," presenting Best Duo. Michael B. Jordan's red checked suit wins. This is going to be shocking, I'm sure. The winner is... Zac Efron and Dave Franco for "Neighbors." I'm stunned. How did Shailene Woodley lose something? This feels like a horrible betrayal. Franco and Efron rehash gags from "Neighbors."
9:16 p.m. Anders Holm gives Best Breakup to "Gone Girl." But it's really a cell phone commercial.
9:20 p.m. Another audition montage. Amy is trying out for "Guardians of the Galaxy," again. She's wearing purple paint and a gold bathing suit. This is an important lesson for everybody: Don't paint your body in house paint.
9:21 p.m. Reese Witherspoon and Sofia Vergara have an upcoming movie that we just saw a trailer for. They're presenting Best Kiss. "You made me kiss you in the car a lot," Vergara says. It turns out that they kiss in "Hot Pursuit." Well, OK. The winners are... Ansel Elgort & Shailene Woodley. Whew. Order is restored after that Best Duo upset. Ansel couldn't be here tonight. "If you've ever wondered what it's like to kiss your brother, it's kinda great," she says.
9:23 p.m. More John Green! It's Nat Wolff and Cara Delevingne of "Paper Towns." They're presenting a performance of "Drop That Kitty" by people I'm told are Charli XCX, Tinashe and Ty Dolla Sign. There's a lot of faux zebra skin on display here. I appreciate that Kelly Osbourne told me before the show what this song is about. Otherwise, the stage-humping and microphone jerking-off might have remained ambiguous. There are dancing pink cats! Oh. There was a first song before "Drop That Kitty"? Are we sure?
9:29 p.m. "Dope"! People really liked that at Sundance. Or some people did.
9:31 p.m. This show would have moved much faster if Shailene Woodley had just hosted and periodically handed herself awards.
9:32 p.m. I don't like this thing of having trailers for movies and THEN having the stars present. It feels to me like this is crasser than having people present and then showing trailers for their movies. I mean, that seems like the appropriate quid pro quo.
9:32 p.m. The stars of "Pitch Perfect 2" are here. Hailee Steinfeld is hella tall. Rebel Wilson, wearing angel wings, shows up late with an exclusive clip. She uses this time to apologize for her actions on the set of "Pitch Perfect 2." Stuff about Rebel Wilson's lady parts and Mexican food. Good times! Exclusive clip.
9:35 p.m. The "Pitch Perfect 2" ladies are also presenting Best Male performance. The winner is... Bradley Cooper for "American Sniper." In your face, Ansel Elgort. "It's because of you. You brought awareness to the men and women and their families in the military," he says, dedicating his win to Chris Kyle.
9:42 p.m. Jimmy Kimmel in the house. He's here to make fun of Kevin Hart. "They said Kevin was too small to be a comedy giant," he says, before introducing a lengthy string of "Kevin Hart is short" jokes. This is going forever. "He scored his first big role playing Rudy on 'The Cosby Show,'" he says. Kevin Hart is receiving The Comedic Genius Award. Hart brings his kids up on the stage to accept with him. You may think there'd be jokes coming, but Kevin is taking this very seriously. He thanks his ex-wife and his kids for being amazing. He wants to leave a legacy so that "when it's all said and done, the last name of Hart means something." Oh come on. "Hart of Dixie" aired four seasons.
9:48 p.m. Robotic Bella Thorne is back to introduce an exclusive and lengthy trailer for "Scream."
9:50 p.m. OK, see... If you JUST DID AN EXCLUSIVE CLIP FROM "SCREAM," why the heck am I watching a trailer for "Scream" in the first break? I know this is a crass show, but that's excessive, isn't it?
9:54 p.m. Wow. And the commercial break ended with another "Scream" commercial. And that "San Andreas" commercial must mean it's time for Dwayne Johnson.
9:55 p.m. The man formerly know as The Rock is presenting Movie of the Year. The winner is... "The Fault in Our Stars." I guess that's appropriate as an evening capper. "I had nothing to do with the making of this movie, but I was the first to the microphone," John Green says. He's very excited. Very. He's a bit out of control, but finally closes with a personal shout-out to the woman who inspired him to tell this story. At the end, he finally remembers to thank Josh Boone, who directed the movie.
10 p.m. Amy Schumer reminds us that she has a movie coming out this summer.