Never again, TV Academy.
I don't care if NBC has to do the Emmys in August because of football and if NBC is scared of going head-to-head with a competing award show. Doing the Emmys on Monday is just wrong.
But we shall trudge on!
Seth Meyers is hosting. Some fantastic TV shows and actors are nominated.
Follow along. Comment below. Join the fun. Make the fun.
8:00 p.m. ET. That was some of the worst Red Carpet pre-show I've ever watched between E! and NBC. I never thought I'd miss Ryan Seacrest, but there ya go!
8:00 p.m. Seth Meyers was just outside being interviewed by Billy Bush just two minutes ago. How will he make it inside? HOW?!?!?
8:00 p.m. A countdown! 20 seconds to go.
8:00 p.m. And now Seth is inside on-stage. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE, BILLY BUSH?!?
8:01 p.m. "The Emmys are about to get cancelled," Seth jokes regarding the August Monday night. Yes, Seth. We know MTV gives video music awards, but they don't show videos anymore. "That's like network TV holding an award show and giving all the trophies to cable and Netflix," he jokes. This is the first Monday Emmys since 1976. TV is better this year. "In 1976... all four nominees were cop shows," he says. "Basically you voted for the policeman whose hat you like the best." "Of course, people don't remember the 1976 Emmys, because they were held on a Monday," he says.
8:03 p.m. "We have comedies that make you laugh and comedies that make you cry, because they were dramas submitted as comedy," he says. He adds that the writers working in television are doing complex work. He jokes about how far away the seats are for the writers. "Tonight, we are all Crazy Eyes," Meyers says of the audience sitting and waiting for the pills to kick in at the Emmys, rather than wandering around drinking.
8:04 p.m. "Jesse Pinkman lived, Dexter lived, but your mother didn't make it. Sleep tight," he says of the dark ending to "HIMYM." He also jokes about the miniseries model that saves networks from paying Sheldon a million dollars an episode. HBO has 99 nominations this year, most of any network. "Not to be outdone, NBC is also a network," Seth says, making a three-year-old joke. He remembers when HBO was all old movies and "Fraggle Rock." "Cable is looking at Netflix the way Justin Bieber looks at One Direction... through a cloud of marijuana smoke," he says.
8:07 p.m. Yes, Seth. People on "Game of Thrones" die. Often at weddings.
8:08 p.m. He compares TV to a booty call and movies to a diva who actually makes you put on pants and take her to dinner.
8:08 p.m. That was weak. "Please welcome my beautiful and talented friend Beyonce," Seth says, introducing Amy Poehler, the night's first presenter. She's presenting Best On-Screen Orgasm in a Civil War Reenactment. Or Supporting Actor in a Comedy. Your winner... Ty Burrell for "Modern Family." Oh, the Emmys. How I love you and your boringness. "Hi. I had a speech but apparently the kids in the cast of 'Modern Family' wrote one for me too," he says. "I should probably thank my wife, because they're super-pretty," he reads. They call his kids cute but "definitely not 'I can support my whole family' cute." He jokes about how the adults keep keeping nominations and they don't. "Anyways, I'm so grateful for this award and I can't wait to give it to Nolan Gould," he concludes. For what it's worth, Ty Burrell had a funny submission episode.
8:15 p.m. "One is known for a show where she had bangs and one is known for a show where everyone bangs," Seth says of Zoey Deschanel and Allison Williams. They're presenting Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Series. The winner... Louis C.K. for the "So Did The Fat Lady" episode of "Louie." This is his sixth win. He begins by thanking Sarah Baker, which is good of him. He thanks the usual people and skips being funny.
8:19 p.m. Jimmy Kimmel is out next. "You got so fat since the Oscars. I almost didn't recognize you," Kimmel tells Matthew McConaughey. "I happen to know for a fact that he traded his television for a conch shell full of weed," Kimmel says. "That was Woody," McConaughey protests. "No offense, but how many of those speeches of yours are we supposed to sit through?" he says. "Where's Ricky? Now that is a television face," Kimmel says, pointing at Ricky Gervais. "Not even a television face. That's a Netflix face." Even Gervais is amused. After upstaging Seth Meyers, Kimmel is presenting Supporting Actress in a Comedy. The winner is... Allison Janney for "Mom." Damn straight. Cloris Leachman and Stockard Channing also won two acting Emmys in the same year. She thanks Chuck Lorre and the writers and the people at CBS and WBTV. She gives Peter Roth credit as the best hugger in the business, which he is. Peter Roth guilt-hugged me once because I was standing next to somebody he actually wanted to hug. It was a good hug. "She's the sister I never had. She's the daughter I never had. She's the everything I never had," she says of Anna Faris.
8:27 p.m. The very pregnant Hayden Panettiere is here to make us uncomfortable for looking at her cleavage and to make us uncomfortable for trying to spell her name, which really should come more intuitively after all these years. She's also announcing the people who already won the Comedy Guest Acting performances. That would be Jimmy Fallon and Uzo Aduba, who gets to shimmy on-stage to join Hayden for the next award. It's Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series. The clips are accompanied by actors remembering the best direction they were given. Louis C.K., for example, taught his on-screen daughter how to smoke a joke. The stars of "Episodes" can't think of any direction they got from their director, which is sad, but true. T.J. Miller does a funny accent as a woman dances behind him. The winner... Gail Mancuso for "Modern Family." I predicted that one. It's sad that Jodie Foster showed up to lose. Anyway, though... "Vegas" was a good episode of "Modern Family." "Woo," she says. She praises the other nominees in an "amazing healthy" category. "If you don't mind, Matthew McConaughey, I'm just gonna kinda make eye contact with you right now," she says, trying to keep her composure. She directs the cameraman in an amusing way. This is her parents' 66th anniversary and she thanks them for giving her a great life.
8:33 p.m. Billy Eichner is going to scream at us now.
8:33 p.m. Meyers and Eichner took their cameras to New York, where people don't care about the Emmys. Nobody knows who Seth Meyers is. They take donations for the cast of "The Big Bang Theory." People don't care that "The Mindy Project" was snubbed. My boss Greg is REALLY amused by this. I'm just exhausted. I could deal with this one a Sunday, but on a Monday? Way too aggressive.
8:36 p.m. Bryan Cranston and Julia Louis-Dreyfus are presenting together. She calls The Great Mustached One Clark Gable and praises him on "Breaking Bad." "You look so much like the actor on 'Seinfeld' who played the dentist," she tells him. "That was me," he says. They're presenting the Showtime Presents Lead Actor in a Comedy. The winner... Jim Parsons for "The Big Bang Theory." This is his fourth win and proves that when Sheldon gets drunk, Jim Parsons is unbeatable. He is wonderfully respectful of his fellow nominees. "There's no accounting for taste," Parsons adds. He thanks his late father for encouraging him.
8:42 p.m. That was a long commercial for Depends.
8:43 p.m. Jimmy Fallon is the next presenter for Lead Actress in a Comedy. Your winner? Julia Louis-Dreyfus for "Veep." She's awesome. I can't argue with that. Bryan Cranston greets her before she makes it to the stage and makes out with her for at least 10 seconds. That was a thing that happened. "Yeah, he was on 'Seinfeld,'" she says. She calls HBO her favorite place she's ever worked, in your face "Seinfeld" network and Emmy broadcaster NBC. "It's a huge labor of love and every labor of love takes a lot of labor," she says of everybody on the show.
8:47 p.m. Up next? FOX comedy stars Mindy Kaling and John Mulaney. Naturally, they're presenting Reality Competition Program. Your winner... "The Amazing Race."
8:48 p.m. Allison Janney is the only Emmy winner tonight who hadn't previously won for the thing she won for tonight. And she'd won five previous Emmys. This is just about as complacent a list of Emmy winners as you could have possibly come up with. Lord.
8:54 p.m. Seth Meyers is going to answer questions we might have about how the Emmys work. Jon Hamm wants to know if the show will be on TV and when. Seth tells him. "Oh. Awesome," Jon says, waving at the crowd. Melissa McCarthy has a parking question. Meyers suggests that she'll be towed. McCarthy blames Edie Falco. "Can I use the bathroom?" Andre Braugher asks. Josh Charles, however, forgot to return the eye. "I see that Maggie Smith isn't here tonight. If she wins the Emmy, can I have it?" Juliana Margulies asks. Seth says that she can't. Jon Hamm already called it. Fred Armisen asks if they'll consider doing the Emmys every year.
8:54 p.m. GENRE CHANGE! [That ignores that we gave out a Reality award.]
8:57 p.m. Allison Janney and Octavia Spencer are there for a "The Help" reunion and to present the writing award for Movie/Miniseries. The winner is Steven Moffat for "Sherlock." Screw this. That's ridiculous. I'm pissed off on Noah Hawley's behalf. "Thank you so much. This is utterly thrilling," Moffat says. Moffat was the first first-time winner tonight. So there's that?
9:00 p.m. Now, on to Supporting Actress in a Miniseries/Movie. It should go to Allison Tolman. It will not. Because she is not Julia Roberts. The winner is Kathy Bates for "American Horror Story: Coven." I'm getting so annoyed at this point. "I was sure I wasn't going to win," Bates says, aptly. To be fair, Julia Roberts had never won an Emmy, so the voters had to give it to the star who already had an Emmy.
9:05 p.m. Sorry, Noah Hawley. Sorry, Allison Tolman. Y'all both got utterly screwed.
9:06 p.m. Stephen Colbert is out next. Because absolutely everybody with a late-night show has to present tonight. He's presenting Supporting Actor in a Movie/Miniseries, but he's "miffed," because the Academy left out his imaginary friend Roscoe. I'd just assumed that Matthew Bomer was going to win this award, but giving Jim Parsons another Emmy would be just too perfect for tonight's show. Colbert does a not-hugely-funny monologue directed at Roscoe. The winner... Martin Freeman for "Sherlock."
9:09 p.m. Martin Freeman was the best part of that "Sherlock" episode. So... there's that. But I'm really so ticked off.
9:09 p.m. Time for Director in a Movie/Miniseries. The winner is... Colin Bucksey for "Fargo." Thank heavens. Hugely and and totally deserved. And Ryan Murphy's direction was the worst part of "Normal Heart." Bucksey directed the "Buridan's Ass" episode. And... Yeah. This is the first win that has made me happy in a long time.
9:16 p.m. Like is Benedict Cumberbatch about to beat Billy Bob Thornton? Will I have to deal with that? Because I may just explode.
9:16 p.m. Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler are doing an introduction for McConaughey and Wood Harrelson. "Please welcome too men who also have no idea what happened at the end of 'True Detective,'" Amy says of one potential intro. There are several pot jokes. "Please welcome the past version of their future selves," Seth says. "The only actors in Hollywood not rumored to be starring in Season 2 of 'True Detective,'" is the winner.
9:18 p.m. "Alright alright alright," Woody says. McConaughey replies by sharing some Woody Wisdom. Last year he had a conflict and went to Woody to ask what to do. "I just forget about it" was Woody's advice. "It works. It really does work. I want to offer that to all of you," Woody says. "I'm grateful that you had all the plagiarized lines," Woody says. OUCH. They're presenting the category they should be in, Lead Actor in a Movie/Miniseries. The winner is, indeed, Benedict Cumberbatch for "Sherlock."
9:21 p.m. Yup. This show and these awards are totally broken. I don't know what went wrong in the works, but there's a wrench or gum in there somewhere. I know that PBS didn't buy the Emmys, but... No. An episode of a regular series, the WORST episode of the season of that regular series, has beaten "Fargo" in an inexcusable number of categories.
9:25 p.m. Liev Schreiber and Kerry Washington are next, presenting Lead Actress in a Movie/Miniseries. The winner... Jessica Lange for "American Horror Story: Coven." It's her third Emmy win. Jessica Lange is mighty lucky there were no women on "Sherlock." "I'm profoundly surprised at this, but very grateful," she says, thanking all the appropriate people.
9:28 p.m. Andy Samberg comes out to join Seth and talk about theme songs. They're joined by Weird Al, who's going to sing some updated themes. He starts with "Mad Men." Jon Hamm is amused. He moves on to "Scandal" and then "Homeland." And... this isn't hugely funny either.
9:30 p.m. The 2014 Emmys: Making Funny People Unfunny Since 2014.
9:31 p.m. The "Game of Thrones" part was the funniest parody yet, complete with the delivery of a typewriter to George R. R. Martin in the audience.
9:32 p.m. Lena Headey is presenting Outstanding Miniseries, after an interruption from Andy Samberg as King Joffrey. The winner is... "Fargo." Thank freaking God. Noah Hawley will at least get to make an Emmy speech. "OK... This is a true story," Hawley says, remembering the first time he talked to Joel and Ethan Cohen. He starts by thanking them. "They let me pretend, if only for five minutes, that I was one of the greatest filmmakers alive," he says. He's VERY brief with his remarks. He could have gone on much longer.
9:36 p.m. Oh and Noah Hawley, one more time: Joel Kinnaman for Young Keith Carradine in "Fargo" Season 2.
9:39 p.m. "Please welcome the only person from 'E.R.' ever to amount to anything, Julianna Margulies," Meyers says. She's presenting Outstanding Television Movie. The winner... "The Normal Heart." Whew. People at HBO were going to throw themselves out of windows. They tried desperately to game the system with "True Detective" just so that "The Normal Heart" would win more awards and it didn't work. At all. "We're only here because of one person and that's Mr. Larry Kramer," Ryan Murphy says. He gives a shout-out to Julia Roberts and Mark Ruffalo for helping get the movie made. He tells people to go online and take up the cause. He mentions AmFar and the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation.
9:43 p.m. "Hello. I lost again. That was good," Ricky Gervais says. He's also won twice. "I've come a long way. He's probably local," Gervais says of Parsons. He whips out his speech. "Ha ha. I won. I knew I would, because I'm the best actor," his speech begins. He's presenting Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special, a category that has inexplicably been put in the Primetime Emmys telecast while the Late Night writing award was given out last week. The winner? Sarah Silverman for "We Are Miracles." She runs on-stage and everybody at home is thinking only one thing... Her hair looks very nice. "Thank you to my Jews at CAA," she begins. "We're all just made of molecules and we're hurling through space right now," she closes.
9:51 p.m. "Please welcome two things that can happen to your car's paint job, Key & Peele," Seth says. Key and Peele joke that they're going to turn off the prompter and wing it. They talk over each other a little. They can't decide who should go first. They look very dapper. They're presenting the accountants. And that's it.
9:53 p.m. Chris Hardwick gets on the stage and makes fun of anonymous Internet trolls. Thanks, Mario Lopez. We cancelled "H8r" for a reason. He's presenting Director of a Variety Special Type Thing. The winner is Glenn Weiss for the Tonys. He's in the booth at the Emmys. I wonder if he found it at all suspect that a dude was standing right next to him holding a Tony.
9:56 p.m. NBC hasn't gone over the top in promoting itself tonight, so I guess it's OK that Gwen Stefani and Adam Levine are here. They're presenting Variety, Late Night and Other Stuff Series. The winner is "The Colbort Report," as Gwen Stefani calls it. "She said it wrong so there must be a mistake," says Jimmy Fallon, taking the stage. He gives Colbert's speech. "You know if you are. If you don't know who you are, go on IMDB. It's very comprehensive," Fallon says. Colbert finally takes the mic. He thanks Jon Stewart and all of the writers and people who aren't on the stage. "I'm so proud of those guys. And one woman," he says of the writers.
10:03 p.m. Sofia Vergara is out next. She came to America with a big dream... to one day be on the stage introducing the President of the TV Academy. He puts her on a spinning turntable for some reason. And... What is happening? Is this just so that he can say boring things while we stare at Sofia Vegara's butt? That's a thing? Nicely sleazed up, TV Academy. Well, she is Jessica Rabbit.
10:06 p.m. Lucy Lui is presenting Supporting Actor in a Drama Series. There are some great performance in this category. Plus Jim Carter. Your winner... Aaron Paul from "Breaking Bad." Excellent. I certainly can't disagree with that, even if I predicted Josh Charles. He gets a partial standing ovation. "Oh wow. I feel like I'm gonna throw up," he says, requesting another round of applause for his rivals. Peter Dinklage looks displeased. "My God. 'Breaking Bad,'" he says, saluting Vince Gilligan first. "I miss him. I love him," he says of Jesse Pinkman. He says he misses working with Bryan Cranston every day. "And to my wife... My God. Thank you for marrying me. Thank you for dedicating your life to spreading kindness across the world," he says.
10:11 p.m. It's Necrology time, accompanied by Sara Bareilles singing "Smile." Ralph Waite leads off, followed by Paul Walker, which will send people to IMDB. They've cut the audio to the crowd, so we don't know how much applause anybody is getting. They managed to sneak Don Pardo in under the radar. Sid Caesar and Marcia Wallace get audio with their clips, as do Elaine Stritch, James Garner and Maya Angelou.
10:15 p.m. The Necrology ends with a Robin Williams picture as Billy Crystal comes out. "He made us laugh. Hard," Crystal says, voice cracking immediately. He tells a story about a Comic Relief trip to a Mets game. Robin Williams wasn't a baseball fan, but Crystal prompted him to do improv as a Russian baseball player. "He could be funny anywhere," Crystal says. "He was the greatest friend you could ever imagine," Crystal says. "It's very hard to talk about him in the past, because he was so present in all of our lives," he says. It's a beautiful moment. And then we relive Williams' first appearance with Johnny Carson in 1981, followed by an Actors' Studio appearance. It closes with a beautiful moment of standup. And if you're not a bit sniffly right now...
10:24 p.m. Debra Messing and Jim Parsons are presenting together so that Seth Meyers can make a "Messing Parsons" "CSI: Miami" joke. Sigh. They're presenting Outstanding Directing in a Drama Series. The winner is... Cary Joji Fukunaga for "True Detective." Good on him. Everybody enjoys a long take! "Oh man. I should have written something. This is awesome. You're gonna need a broom to sweep up the names I'm about to drop," he says. Hmm... Did he really not thank Pizzolatto? Wow. We'd all heard the reports that they didn't get along, but that's mighty cold.
10:27 p.m. Supporting Actress in a Drama goes to Anna Gunn for "Breaking Bad." And it needed to. Because she was awesome. Gunn talks about the journey she went on, starting by thanking Vince Gilligan. She calls Bryan Cranston, "the baddest and the absolute best human being."
10:31 p.m. We've had a few deserving winners in a row. My urge to kill is receding. Of course, nearly all of the winners have still be former winners, but...
10:33 p.m. Katherine Heigl is up. I wonder if they'll make her spin on a turntable. Nope. But she's telling us that Joe Morton and Allison Janney won Emmys last weekend. Allison Janney's been on-stage enough tonight, so Joe Morton comes out to present the next award. He's presenting Outstanding Writing in a Drama Series. The winner... Moira Walley-Beckett for "Ozymandias." WOOT. Definitely the best script in that category of great scripts. "Vince Gilligan, this is your fault," she says. Awww. "Thank you for your mentorship and your mad skills, yo," she says. "To my brilliant cast of actors, writing for you was a pure joy," she says. She also thanks Rian Johnson. She gets played off, but that was a great, efficient acceptance speech.
10:37 p.m. Viola Davis is presenting Lead Actress in a Drama Series. It's an interesting category. Lots of great performances here. The winner... Julianna Margulies for "The Good Wife." "What a wonderful time for women on television," she says. And yes, it's another win for a former winner. She rams home the 22-episodes per year thing that didn't get "Good Wife" a Drama Series nod. "To Josh Charles, I miss you every day. What were you thinking?" she says.
10:44 p.m. We're getting near the end!
10:44 p.m. Julia Roberts likes a good "Mystic Pizza" joke. She's presenting Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series... "This is a horrible category," she says. "I apologize to anybody who doesn't hug me in the next 10 seconds," she adds before giving the award to... BRYAN CRANSTON for "Breaking Bad." Wow. "Even I thought about voting for Matthew," Cranston says. He jokes that his own family nicknamed him Sneaky Pete because he liked to cut corners. "I love to act. It is a passion of mine and I will do it till my last breath," he says. He has great things to say about Aaron Paul and Anna Gunn ("Especially those scenes in bed"). "Take a chance. Take a risk. Find that passion," he says.
10:50 p.m. You almost have to wonder if there's a small degree of anti-movie star sentiment at play tonight. It certainly isn't the way HBO drew up the evening. Goodness.
10:50 p.m. Jay Leno is presenting Outstanding Comedy Series. The winner is... "Modern Family." Ha. Oh, Emmys. You so crazy. "It's all a wonder that we get to do this for a living," Steve Levitan says. The music begins playing immediately. "'Modern Family' has been a big, beautiful dream for the past five years and we thank you for not waking us up," he says.
10:56 p.m. Halle Berry comes out to wrap up the evening. Your Outstanding Drama Series winner is... "Breaking Bad." This is exactly the evening we predicted back last fall before "True Detective" premiered and briefly muddied the waters. I'm glad Vince Gilligan gets to accept this one himself. "Fastest Emmys ever," Gilligan says correctly. "This is indeed a wonderful time to be working in television," he says. He's fast and efficient.
10:58 p.m. And with that, the Emmys end EARLY. Sepinwall will be doing analysis tonight, but I'm sure I'll have things to say on a podcast tomorrow.