And we're back! It was only six days ago that we were all here for the Golden Globe Awards, where "American Hustle" and "12 Years a Slave" won best picture awards and cemented their positions as Oscar best picture favorites. How will things play out at the 2014 SAG Awards?
And will "Breaking Bad" continue its recent drama domination?
One thing's for sure: "Brooklyn Nine-Nine" won't win any awards tonight.
8:00 p.m. ET. Oh right. I forgot the awful voiceover introing the SAG Awards. "Give her some space, it's Sandra Bullock," he says.
8:01 p.m. We begin in the audience with Rob Lowe. He's an actor, but he has a hard time reading a teleprompter. Juliette Lewis remembers growing up believing in fairies and magic and Abigail Breslin in the background. She's an actress. OMAR! Nice. Michael K. Williams is looking dapper and he's an actor. Tony Hale is an actor and he also can't read a teleprompter, but he also gets a laugh. Kaley Cuoco adds a new hyphen! She's an actor and she's also Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting, apparently! Steve Coogan is funny. Cuba Gooding Jr wanted to finish his drink, but he tells us he's an actor before pouring more booze.
8:05 p.m. Matt Damon is our first presenter-type-thing. It's the 20th Screen Actors Guild Awards. I wonder if Brad Pitt and Natalie Dormer have shaved their heads for the same thing. I mean, I know they haven't, but still... It's a look.
8:06 p.m. We're starting with Performance By a Female Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture. Julia Roberts wins the "best clip award" with "Eat the fish, bitch." But June Squibb comes close, calling a dead woman a whore. Squibb's clip cuts away before the actual punchline to that scene. The winner is... Lupita Nyong'O for "12 Years a Slave." It's nice to see how quickly Jennifer Lawrence started whooping for her. "Being recognized by fellow actors is an honor of the highest order," the overwhelmed Nyong'O says. She thanks the real subject of the story and then thanks Steve McQueen. "You are love personified," she tells her director. She thanks her cast and Yale School of Drama. She thanks her family for keeping it real. She recalls telling her father she got a job in a Brad Pitt movie and asked if he knew Pitt. "I don't know him personally, but I'm glad you got a job," he replied. Nice speech.
8:11 p.m. Amy Adams, Bradley Cooper and that guy award-givers keep forgetting was in the movie [Jeremy Renner, if you must know] present the clip package from "American Hustle."
8:12 p.m. This show just chugs along, doesn't it? Jennifer Garner is presenting Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture, which pretty much gives away the winner, doesn't it? Surely she's there to be very excited for her "Dallas Buyer's Club" co-star? The winner... Jared Leto. J-Gar does a pretty good job of not seeming overly excited. He thanks the "wonderful tribe of dreams." He dedicates the award to the people who have lost their lives to "this dreadful disease." Gee. Do you think he learned from negative comments about his Golden Globes speech? Some people thought he was too glib and he won't make that mistake again tonight or when he wins his Oscar. He pays particular tribute to "the late and great James Gandolfini." He thanks his mom for showing him the power of dreams.
8:22 p.m. People like molesting the SAG statue, because The Actor is buff.
8:23 p.m. Kevin Spacey and Kerry Washington are up. They're presenting Outstanding Female Actor in a Comedy Series. I'd forgotten that Tina Fey and "30 Rock" were eligible still here. Awww. She has her daughter with her. She wanted to go to there! The winner... Julia Louis-Dreyfus for "Veep." That's never a bad thing. She's won five Actors, all for "Seinfeld." "I'd like to begin by thanking the members of the Hollywood Foreign Press for this glorious Golden Globe," she says. "It is truly an honor just to be nominated for an Academy Award," she says. Matt Walsh is here in character, reprising the Emmys joke that featured Tony Hale. He gives her a sandwich.
8:27 p.m. Pauley Perrette, star of a hit CBS drama, and Josh Holloway, star of a DOA CBS drama, are presenting Outstanding Male Actor in a Comedy Series. Alec Baldwin always wins this, doesn't he? The winner... Ty Burrell for "Modern Family." The excited "Modern Family" table is very happy for him, especially the bouncy Sarah Hyland. "Thank you to anybody in the union who voted for me," he begins. "I know most of you out here have read my book, 'Acting: How to Do It Good,'" he says. He lists his 5 Tips To Make It As An Actor. It is a glorious speech. The tips include not having other family members who are actors, marrying somebody better than you, failing repeatedly, being part of the cast of "Modern Family" and being good at memorization.
8:27 p.m. Forest Whitaker and Oprah Winfrey present the clip from "Lee Daniels' Definitely Not The Silent Film The Butler."
8:33 p.m. John Goodman is here as a reminder that "Inside Llewyn Davis" was screwed over again and again this awards season. He's presenting Outstanding Ensemble in a Comedy Series. The winner is... "Modern Family." Yawn. They've won four straight years and... Yawn. That being said, it's a great ensemble. But even they don't seem excited as they trudge up to the stage. "We're gonna make Sofia talk, because America loves her and her boobs," Julie Bowen says awesomely. Vergara thanks the appropriate people, says she can't speak English and, at Bowen's urging, thanks her boobs. "To everybody that make 'Modern Family,'" Vegara says. "SAG we're going to party now," she closes.
8:43 p.m. Union NOW!
8:44 p.m. The White Shadow comes out. He's the President of SAG-AFTRA. "20 years ago. That's when DVDs were invented. That's when Dakota Fanning was born," Ken Howard says of this anniversary. He honors Tom Hanks for a while and then pays tribute to the other various Hollywood guilds. He also thanks our soldiers and "our four-legged soldiers, our military canines." Well... OK. And AFL-CIO represent.
8:47 p.m. Don Cheadle and Julia Louis-Dreyfus are presenting. He congratulates her for her win. She congratulates him for his nomination. Sigh. Banter. They're presenting Female Actor in a Movie or Miniseries. "Did you really have to just do that like that?" Cheadle asks before they read the nominees. The winner... Helen Mirren for "Phil Spector." That's utterly ridiculous. She's a dame and all, but that was a bad performance. "Elisabeth was so extraordinary," she says, leading applause for Ms. Moss. "I love this little guy. He's so sexy. Sort of naked, but not quite." She makes a joke about how she doesn't feel saggy, but feels quite perky. I love that even when Helen Mirren doesn't deserve to win, she's still awesome enough that you can't feel that bad about her winning. But that's ridiculous and a bit embarrassing for the SAG voters.
8:52 p.m. Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts go back and forth saying "Pulitzer," before presenting the clip from "August: Osage County."
8:53 p.m. Ewan McGregor and Emma Thompson present. She comes out dancing and asks, "Is this music available on CD?" she asks. She's still drunk from Sunday, I'm assuming. They're presenting the Michael Douglas Award for Outstanding Performance By Michael Douglas. The winner is... Michael Douglas for "Behind the Candelabra." Yawn. Matt Damon really deserved to win *one* of these awards. "I've got a 97-year-old member of SAG back at home, who I know is particularly proud of me getting this award," he says, thanking the whole membership for helping him get out of his dad's shadow for a little while. He admits that this has "become a little bittersweet." "I am not here without Matt Damon ," he says.
9:05 p.m. Morgan Freeman begins his Lifetime Achievement Award presentation to Rita Moreno by reading the Wikipedia entry on EGOT. I love that SAG gives its lifetime achievement awards to a random-ass assortment of awesome people, rather than just going through the same A-listers as the Golden Globes. Because Rita Moreno is totally deserving of any honors anybody wants to give her. OK. I never would have linked that Moreno and Morgan Freeman were on "Electric Company" together. That's superb. I could have done without the "Rita Moreno: Most recently seen on TVLand" closing.
9:11 p.m. Morgan Freeman calls Rita, "My dear old friend" and she goes through the crowd kissing the A-listers as everybody stands. Oh look! Ben Affleck's there saying, "They delayed my movie." Rita and Morgan do an awesome happy dance. "I'm so f***ing thrilled," she says. "I hope the man with the button was there on time," she says. Then Rita and Morgan Freeman do an "Electric Company" bit together. Rita Morena is 82. Take a look at Rita Moreno. She's 82. That's crazy. "Hopefully, it's early in the third act of my life," she says. "Hi, Jeremy Renner," she purrs. And then she starts singing a beautiful rendition of "This Is All I Ask." She interrupts another thought with "Hi Brad! And she closes with more singing.
9:22 p.m. Union NOW!
9:22 p.m. James Marsden and Mindy Kaling are presenting Female Actor in a Drama Series. "I don't own a TV. I'm really more into film," she says. "I don't watch movies. I'm more into books," he says. Mindy insists nobody in the room has read a book in 20 years. Oh. Claire Danes is still nominated here. I thought she'd vanished from all of the nomination fields. Nope. Just Golden Globes. The winner... Maggie Smith for "Downton Abbey." That's ludicrous. And embarrassing. That the SAG voters' two biggest blunders tonight have involved Dames says something. GET OVER IT. Maybe SAG voters just don't watch TV?
9:26 p.m. "12 Years a Slave" clip.
9:26 p.m. Sasha Alexander and Clark Gregg? Well... OK. They're presenting Male Actor in a Drama Series, a category that doesn't include any Dames. The winner... Bryan Cranston for "Breaking Bad." Yup. As it should be. "I won a SAG Award," he sings. He tells an extremely funny story of Emma Thompson approaching him at the Golden Globes. "I've had so many crappy jobs in my life," he says, remembering his time driving trucks. "We are the luckiest people in the world who can say, 'I am an actor.'"
9:31 p.m. Tom Hanks is up now. He's introducing the Necrology. James Gandolfini gets to close the reel.
9:40 p.m. People are excited to win SAG Awards and STOP REMINDING ME OF ROBERTO BENIGNI.
9:40 p.m. Tina Fey does a fine intro to explain how you know when you're a truly loving TV ensemble. She's presenting Outstanding Ensemble in a Drama Series. The winner is... "Breaking Bad." As it should be. They only have 45 seconds. 'He's not the God, but he's a God," Cranston says of Vince Gilligan.
9:46 p.m. This show is running absurdly behind on time and everybody's wasting time commenting on it. But we still have time for a "Dallas Buy's Club" clip.
9:47 p.m. Jennifer Lawrence didn't win tonight! But she's still presenting Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role. The winner is... Matthew McConaughey for "Dallas Buy's Club." "Yeah," he says. "Coming from SAG-AFRTA members..." he says. "We know what this thing is we get to do and when it works and when it doesn't work so well," he says. He' says he's been lucky lately to find some characters where he could "humble myself to their humanity" and "get feverishly drunk" to their ambitions. He's excited and energized and manic and dynamic and crazy and alive and babbling like a madman. It's great. I'm not entirely sure that the crowd buys what he's selling, but I'm sure they buy it well enough.
9:58 p.m. Can we END THIS? Like in two minutes? Fast? Please? No?
9:58 p.m. Robert DeNiro is presenting Female Actor in a Leading Role. Come on! Fast! Cate Blanchett! We can be done at 10! No? Oh well. Clips. The winner is... Cate Blanchett wins. But let's all stop to marvel at the SAG Awards showing the Emma Thompson clip saying that Dick Van Dyke isn't one of the all-time greats one year after the SAG Lifetime Achievement Award winner was Dick Van Dyke. The clock is running down on Cate and she protests at the amount of time that Matthew McConaughey took. "Those who voted for me, I thank you and those who didn't, better luck next year," she says. "This is half yours, the penis part," she says to co-star Sally Hawkins.
10:04 p.m. Ben Affleck's big movie got pushed back yesterday. Today he's rushing through presenting Best Ensemble to... the cast of "American Hustle." I'll let Kris Tapely unpack the meaning of that later. Bradley Cooper makes the acceptance speech. He has glowing words for David O. Russell. "Much is asked of us and if we deliver, he returns," he says.
10:07 p.m. Ummm... Ben Affleck is wrapping things up and Cuba Gooding Jr. rushing up on-stage, pushes him aside and yells, "Happy MLK. Happy MLK Weekend!" Oh. My.
That's all, folks. Thoughts?