I was the watching the Big Brother credit sequence the other night, when my wife said she  noticed Zakiyah touching herself in a sexual manner. I wasn’t so sure about this. All I saw was Zakiyah grazing her inner thigh but my wife felt it went further then that.  

For those not in the know, the idea behind the Big Brother opening credits is that the houseguests are transported to an otherworldly splash pad, where they are forced to stand alone. The underwater creature from The Abyss encircles each of them until they make a gesture that gives a sense of their personality. The music runs out about halfway through because there are, like, 88 houseguests. It’s a pretty wild concept for the usually more conservative CBS brand.   

I love this sequence and I never fast forward through it. It’s the greatest credit sequence ever. Seriously. There are so many good things about it. For example, Tiffany, a high school teacher in the real world, is brandishing a ruler. Uh oh. I guess her school still allows corporal punishment! My favorite Big Brother credits moment came from Jeff last season. He just stood there and did nothing, which turned out to be a perfect symbol for his game play. Zakiyah, on the other hand, is no Jeff. She’s there to hypnotize us with her hips. By the way, she’s also a teacher but for preschool. Probably the best preschool. Is Zakiyah too sexy for this credits sequence?

NO. Never. She can’t help that she’s a good looking person, and the real problem is the other houseguests aren’t being provocative enough. In a finer world, CBS would allow every houseguest to grab their own body in a sensual manner. Why can’t 50 year old Glen grab his junk? That’s an entrance. That’s telling the audience: “Hey. These are sexy people. Let’s spend some time with them,” which is probably the most exciting segue into security cam footage that anyone has ever invented. 

Zakiyah 1. Everyone else in the world. Zero.