Lifetime, the dream factory that gave us that "Saved by the Bell" biopic last year, is back with its newest vision of God: a behind-the-scenes take on "Full House." It premieres August 22. Look at that picture. That's a real thing that your retinas are supposed to handle.

Let's name all the stuff we want this movie to teach us.

1. Was there tension between Bob Saget and Dave Coulier when they both hosted home video series?

We all remember that Bob Saget hosted "America's Funniest Home Videos" for years, but you may have forgotten that Dave Coulier hosted a similar series called "America's Funniest People" on ABC. Did Bob ever say to Dave, "Step off my game, b*tch"? I want to know.

2. Was there a casting session where a diabolical director decided Comet would play Air Bud?

Did you know the golden retriever who played Comet would end up playing Air Bud? He did. He was named Buddy and died of lung cancer at age 9, like so many Hollywood starlets. I want to see the casting session where a discerning, bespectacled exec says, "Buddy did good work in that Disneyland episode. Let's see how those chops fare... on the court.

3. Did everyone roll their eyes when Scott Weinger, a.k.a. Steve, got to voice Aladdin?

I imagine Scott Weinger, who played DJ's hunk-haired boyfriend Steve, was well-liked. He went to Harvard and was a "youth correspondent" on "Good Morning America," after all. But when he landed the gig of the century -- voicing Aladdin in the Disney movie -- you have to wonder if the cast was... I don't know, slightly annoyed. Saget had been working LA for years; no one ever asked him to voice a billion-dollar street rat, you know? 


4. How did Kirk Cameron's creepiness manifest in Candace Cameron's backstage behavior?

I'm sure it didn't. But I want this movie to invent a cool way it did.

5. Were Candace Cameron and Jodie Sweeten livid that only Andrea Barber won Young Artist Awards?

The Young Artist Awards are my favorite Hollywood pseudo-institution. They're about children getting awards for being young and artistic on sitcoms. What a nice self-image torpedo that is for the losing nominees. Interestingly, though Candace Cameron and Jodie Sweeten were both nominated for Young Artist Awards, only Andrea Barber -- admittedly a revelation as accidental fashionista Kimmy Gibbler -- ever won. I want to feel that competitive tension. I want a version of the parking lot brawl in "The Turning Point" with Candace and Andrea head-butting each other on the "Wake Up, San Francisco" set. 

6. Did Mary Kate and Ashley ever threaten to buy and sell anybody?

Maybe Lori Laughlin?

7. Did John Stamos pitch the idea of Jesse's scheming cousin Stavros just so he could walk around in a hot wife-beater?

Because it was worth it.