'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' recap: 'Excess Breeds Success'
As we all know, Kenya is the latest crazymaker on “The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” and with NeNe prancing around bragging about her evolution from screamy mean girl to evolved and mature woman (let’s say it all together: yeah, right), we need a fresh dose of bitchy to keep this show afloat. If everyone starts behaving themselves, it’s going to be about as much fun as watching cute cat videos without the cats.
Still, I do appreciate the fact that Kenya isn’t off her nut 24/7. No, she needs to warm up to whacka-whacka, like a professional athlete or a Richard Simmns. She meets for a very civilized lunch with Kandi and Phaedra, and Kandi correctly predicts that Phaedra is going to enjoy the hell out of Kenya. Kenya has a donkey booty, and as we know, Phaedra is all about the donkey booties. I really don't know why Phaedra has such an appreciation for other women's ample asses, but to each her own.
More importantly, Kenya has a charming take on her stint judging Jet Beauty of the Week. Was it a nightmarish bitchfest? Did she shriek COOTCHIE CRACK! repeatedly until Cynthia's poor assistant seemed on the verge of tears? Of course not! Kenya, being a refined and insightful woman of the world, simply noted that one of the wannabes was rocking plumber's butt. How gauche! Of course, she would be remiss not to point this out lest said coochie cracker reveal herself to anyone else in this most inappropriate manner. But Cynthia, being spineless and dimwitted, recruited one of her minions to reprimand poor, thoughtful Kenya, and she had no choice but to ask her security to tend to this most unfortunate situation.
Phaedra smiles and laughs, then purrs, “I’m enjoying you!” And she is! Because, even with Kenya on her best behavior, Phaedra can sniff out the cray-cray.
Next, Kenya packs up her crazy and decides to dump a pile of it on her aunt Lori. Kenya declares that she wants to marry Walt so that she can fill up her new house with little ones. Little… Chihuahas? Beetles? Urine samples? No, children, and I would say the first three might be easier and more obvious choices. But why oh why hasn’t Kenya introduced Lori to this very special guy? Is there something wrong with him? Kenya doesn’t exactly answer this question (Magic 8-Ball says yes), but instead bursts into tears. What if Lori doesn’t like him? Lori’s opinion means so much to her! She broke up with one guy she liked because Lori didn’t approve! Lori is her shero! Yes, shero. Instead of smacking Kenya for using the word shero, Lori cries a little and promises to like Walt no matter how awful he may be.
In other news, Kim is homeless, if homeless is living in a palatial estate and bitching at your assistant about how homeless you are. “We need every part of 17,000 square feet!” Kim moans. Really? Because you’re not happy in a home unless you can hear a Grand Canyon-style echo? Because you have an elaborate torture rack system for Sweetie? Because K.J. is going to need a padded room to live in once he realizes how crazy you are? Also in this episode Kim eats chicken wings and gets jewelry, but I’m so thoroughly disgusted by her I don’t care. When I think pregnant and homeless, this is not it.
Phaedra and Cynthia go to work out together with a trainer, and NeNe decides to grace them with her presence, which really entails bitching and whining about how ever exercise is too hard and stupid. Because, as we know, NeNe is all about the positivity unless there’s an opportunity to be negative. Still, Phaedra is shocked that NeNe is being civil to her. Cynthia, who still thinks NeNe hung the moon and sneezed out the stars, announces that she’d like to throw a party to honor the Great Gift That Is NeNe, but NeNe would rather Cynthia spread the love around and made it a party for all the successful women of Atlanta. Because she’s magnanimous like that, yo. Phaedra, who isn’t buying this new and improved NeNe for a minute, asks if Kim can come. NeNe shrugs. Sure, why not?
Phaedra blinks and suffers a small stroke, but resists the urge to say, “Are you serious, NeNe?” and instead pulls her trump card. Okay, Kim gets a pass, so… what about... KENYA? Cynthia is the one to apply the brakes this time. She doesn’t have anything against Kenya, mind you, but she found her behavior “very, very disappointing” during the Jet audition. Cynthia is very busy, so she doesn’t have time for Kenya’s nonsense. Nothing personal, mind you. Even though she hates Kenya and would like to plant a potato bomb in her tailpipe, no biggie. I bet Kenya’s coming to the party whether Cynthia likes it or not, don’t you? I smell a catfight!
But Kenya has important business to take care of before she goes to pee all over Cynthia’s lovely little party. She needs to tell Walter she has old, creaky, semi-rotten eggs and she wants some damn babies. Because men love nothing more than being told their middle-aged, sorta-sometimes-off-and-on-again girlfriend has baby fever and they need to start pumping out sperm by the bucketload. Wally, to his credit, doesn’t leave the restaurant screaming. But then Kenya demands he face the camera and confess all his deepest, darkest secrets. She wants skeletons and she wants them NOW. And BABIES, DON'T FORGET THE BABIES! Isn’t Kenya lovely? Anyway, Wally tosses out something that’s truly no big deal. Once, he asked Kandi to go out with him. Kandi shot him down. End of story. But no, it’s not! Kenya is horrified! She wants to get her food to go, because she just lost her appetite. She runs to the bathroom to freak out. Kandi now has something to hold over Kenya! She rejected the small businessman of her dreams! This is terrible!
Wally tries to talk Crazypants off the ledge by telling her she’s pretty. Well, that works. Kenya’s happy, while Wally’s pretending to be happy and probably wondering how long it will take to change his identity and start a new life in Norway.
Soon, it’s time for Cynthia’s party. Everyone who’s anyone shows up wearing a long, flowing maxidress and too much make-up. It’s so elegant and refined! So bring in the housewives to tear stuff up! NeNe shows up, eventually. She’s only two hours late, yo! Kim, however, has been ready to leave since she arrived. She’s already heading to the door when NeNe pops out of the elevator, declares she’s having a baby (this is a joke; just because it’s not funny means nothing), and Kim really needs to stay for five minutes. Kim grimaces, says she’s going to the bathroom, then leaves. NeNe is so offended! Because if NeNe says she wants five minutes, it does not matter if she has made everyone wait hours! She is the great and royal NeNe!
But NeNe looks positively demure and sweet compared to Kenya (she is so there! Party crasher, whoot!). When Cynthia tries to welcome everyone to her event, Kenya rolls her eyes and makes snarky comments. Then, she grabs the microphone, makes a speech at the party she wasn’t really invited to, and grabs NeNe to order her to be friends with her, even though she thinks her pal Cynthia is a card-carrying idiot. If you haven’t been keeping track, Kenya’s warmed up to full-throttle nutso at this point.
NeNe blinks and looks at Kenya as if she’s a slightly deranged fan (which may be the case), and Cynthia jumps in to make it abundantly clear that she doesn’t care what Kenya thinks of her. Kenya calls Cynthia a talking head, and Cynthia corrects her. She’s a pretty talking head, thank you very much! Okay, not a great comeback, but then Cynthia asks Kenya what year she was Miss USA. “That’s like asking my age!” Kenya shrieks. For the record, she’s 41. “So were you before or after Vanessa Williams?” Cynthia asks, smiling wickedly. Good one, Cynthia. As NeNe says, Cynthia can read, in the sense that she can read people. I’m fairly sure Cynthia can also read words and sentences, but NeNe kind of infers she just reads people.
NeNe isn’t exactly overflowing with goodwill toward Cynthia, though, as she informs Kenya that she is open to being friendly, even if Kenya does hate Cynthia. I’m sure Cynthia must love the fact that she threw a party for NeNe only for her to tell her latest nemesis that hey, she’s cool by her even as she's considering dragging Cynthia into the pool by her weave. NeNe may be more evolved, but she’s about as loyal as a politician with money on the table. I guess NeNe doesn't care if Cynthia likes her now that she's gone Hollywood, but she shouldn't let the door hit her on the ass on her way out. There's a new bitch in town, and her name is Krazee Kenya.
Do you think NeNe let Cynthia down? What did you think of Kenya's speech? And do you care about Kim's annoying first world problems?