Chris Harrison promises that all of our burning questions will be answered, and by Sean himself no less, on this very special episode of "The Bachelor." I doubt it. I have burning questions about why this show is so creatively edited, and why Sean thinks he can really find love on a nationally televised dating show that has a really crappy track record, and who was actually a terrible kisser because I have my suspicious, and I'm pretty sure he's not going to answer any of those questions. At least not honestly or directly.
But Chris Harrison is going to try his best to make the next hour seem revealing and informative, bless his little heart. So, Sean, how are you feeling at this point in the show, which was really taped months ago but which you must act as if it's happening in real time? He doesn't favor one girl over the next… at this point! He is so confused! Sigh.
The structure of this Very Special Episode is Chris Harrison tossing out the name of a Bachelorette, and Sean saying flattering things about all of them except Tierra, because if he said anything nice about her we'd hate him forever.
First up, Desiree, otherwise known as the girl we presently want to be next season's star of "The Bachelorette" unless Lindsay get the boot and wants to go through this hell all over again. Chris Harrison makes it very, very clear that everyone and their monkey thinks Sean screwed up by sending Desiree home, because she seemed perfect for him and Catherine clearly has Issues. Sean, against the ropes, explains himself, sort of. "I kept asking myself if I could spend the rest of my life with any of the women. With Catherine, it was a resounding yes. With Desiree, it was an 'I think so,'" he babbles. Really? Well, we don't care, Sean. We wanted you to be with Desiree, and the audience is angry! Because how you live your life is our business for at least the next several weeks!
Chris Harrison tosses out the idea that Desiree's brother Nathan ruined everything between Sean and Desiree. Sean admits he wanted to punch the guy, so maybe he did. Did I just hear that scream? I do live in Los Angeles, and it's been raining, so sound carries. Yeah, definitely a scream. And I think I just heard "I will NEVER FORGIVE YOU EVER," followed by, "YOU RUINED EVERYTHING, YOU ASSHAT!" Definitely Desiree having a calm, pleasant conversation with her brother.
We learn (because this episode is CHOCK FULL OF PREVIOUSLY UNSEEN FOOTAGE THAT WASN'T INCLUDED BEFORE BECAUSE IT'S not that interesting, shhh….) that Sean and Nathan had a perfectly pleasant conversation earlier in the evening, and it wasn't until much later that Nathan turned out to be, as Sean points out, a "jackass."
Still, even though Sean admits he might not have sent Desiree packing if not for her asshat brother, he had to send her home eventually, because their relationship was "lacking" in some areas. What areas? Her elbows? Her job that involved easy access to bridal gowns? What? Anyway, he has to say that because somewhere there is a girl wearing a ring he gave to her, and he can't really say, "Oh, man! Desiree was my dream girl who got away! Anyone have her number?" because it would not end well for anyone.
Next, we're on to Sarah, she of the one arm. Why did he send her packing? Crappy kiss. Not really; he doesn't say that exactly. No, their kiss lacked passion. And tongue. So, he had to send her home immediately, lest her feeble kissing infect the rest of the girls. But he thinks Sarah is swell as long as she keeps her mouth away from him! He's sure someday she'll meet someone who will love her for the rest of his life, as long as he does not have lips or maybe a face or can accept the fact she kisses like a dead fish. Aw, that's so sweet!
On to Selma! He didn't know she couldn't kiss him until halfway through their first one-on-one, and by then he was kind of stuck keeping her around for a while until he didn't look like a kiss-hungry jerk sending her home. Chris Harrison informs us (by showing us some PREVIOUSLY UNSEEN FOOTAGE) that America didn't see the creative way they circumvented the kiss on the lips thing. So they did some light bondage and frenetic whipping, just not in front of the cameras. Kidding! They had eskimo kisses and eyelash kisses. Chris Harrison just makes it sound dirty, that crazy Chris Harrison!
Anyway, she kissed him and he knew it was a big deal, but he'd already realized she wouldn't be his wife. He needs a woman who likes jumping in icy lakes in a bikini, dammit! I think Sean might be freakier than we will ever know, people.
Then, it's Lesley M. time. Now, I was sad to see Lesley M. go, although I completely understand her reluctance to look like a lovelorn idiot on national television. Sean chose her for the epic kiss because he had such a connection with her. Sean enjoyed all three minutes of it! Really? Not that it wasn't a good kiss, but I would have a hard time tuning out the huge crowd of people, Chris Harrison yapping and a camera shoved in my face. But that's just me. Anyway, Lesley M. couldn't bring herself to tell Sean how she really felt, so he kicked her to the curb. So, Chris Harrison has to ask, if she HAD told him, would things have ended differently? Sean thinks so. Somewhere, Lesley M. is beating her head against a wall in a drunken frenzy of self-recrimination. Poor Lesley M.!
FINALLY, it's time to discuss the bachelorette we love to hate -- Tierra! Thank goodness, Sean is happy to hop onto the hate train now that he's seen what a jerk she is. He felt like a fool watching the show! He felt duped! More than that, he doesn't think she should have EVER GONE ON THE SHOW. Keep going, Sean! This may be the most honest we've seen you! "She's a woman who simply can't get along with her peers, and now that I can watch it back, she's getting into arguments and fights with the nicest people in the house!" he says, eyes wide like a Ken doll that's been goosed.
Chris now tells Sean (and shows us PREVIOUSLY UNSEEN FOOTAGE) that the fight between Tierra and the girls in Montana went on for hours and hours. Thankfully, we don't have to watch hours and hours. I've seen quite enough of Tierra, thank you. Still, Sean is happy to say that Tierra, while she could have ruined his journey, didn't. So there! Take that, Tierra!
And… we're on to Ashley P.? Oh. So, that was quick with Tierra. Anyway, we see more of the weird drunk chick with the "Fifty Shades of Grey" obsession. It wasn't meant to be with Ashley P. Sean admits. To that, I think we can give a collective duh.
Time to talk about Catherine. Why, I wonder? She sent Sean nerd notes. He loved it! She's odd! He likes odd! She sent him a note with a lipstick kiss on it. Now, we cover their one-on-one in Canada. Um, is this supposed to be a tell, because we're not doing any kind of review of any of the other finalists. We learn that Catherne was wacky because she wanted to squeeze into the wheel well of the tire when she and Sean rode on a giant truck-like thing on their one-on-one. The girl is very flexible, Sean says without wiggling his eyebrows.
This is getting really boring. This is like sitting with a bunch of teenagers who had a really good summer vacation and won't shut up about it. You remember when that girl talked to you? Remember when she smiled? Remember when you bonded over Burger King? Seriously, this stuff didn't air for a reason.
Chris Harrison finally discusses the future. Sean is excited and nervous about this coming week. He's started to fall for all three women! Doesn't every bachelor say this? Is this on a cue card or something?
Chris Harrison tries to poke around the topic of whether or not Sean, who is known as the Virgin Bachelor (psst, great band name! Someone, quick!), got it on with anyone. Sean tells him it's none of his business, because he's not a pig.
Yeah, I didn't really have my questions answered. Or maybe I did, because I think Sean has been doing this show for long enough that he says exactly what he's expected to say, and because he's so nice and so well-behaved he's probably a great boyfriend but ultimately a little boring, at least when cameras are rolling. Still, he keeps telling us he likes weird and odd and edgy, so I'm guessing his guy is a closet freak. Or at least that makes watching "The Bachelor" a lot more fun.
Oh, I hope everyone stayed tuned to the very end, at which we got to watch Sean take a shower while '70s porn music played. Does ABC know what viewers want to see or what?
Are you excited for Sean and the final three girls to go to Thailand? What's up with that letter we saw in the preview of next week? Who do you want to see win (and if you KNOW who wins, remember, no spoilers!)