So, it's time for our double elimination. Is this really necessary? I think that the producers of the show have determined that the all-stars season just isn't exciting enough for some reason, so they need to throw a hella lot of spaghetti at the wall. A double elimination! Paula Abdul! Puppies! Okay, no puppies. Yet. But honestly, there's only so much drama I can take, ABC.
Even though it's a double elimination and, as such, there will be more time committed to standing around and sweating, we get a few familiar elements in this elimination episode. Let's see a routine from last night's show, as chosen by the judges! But more likely the producers! Len chooses to see Shawn and Derek's quick step again. Seriously, how could he not pick this routine? It really isn't an exaggeration to say this is the best routine of the series, ever. And guess what? It's just as much fun as it was the first time. It really does demand that it be performed by a professional athlete and a professional dancer. Can't imagine Kirstie pulling this off and surviving to talk about it.
Then, we do our familiar line-up, package, eliminate routine, though this week the stage can't be cleared due to Shawn & Derek needing part of the set for their routine. So, no red light of death, though I'm sure that will return next week.
The packages aren't so great for our first four couples -- Melissa & Tony, Gilles & Peta, Emmit & Cheryl and Kirstie & Maks. The highlight is when Kirstie tells Maks he'd be a pretty bridesmaid -- and she's RIGHT. I don't think Kirstie is up to the dance standard of the season, but she is quite often fun in the saucy old broad vein.
Everyone's safe except Kirstie & Maks. Well, as much as I enjoy her and Maks together, I have to admit that this isn't a huge surprise or anything.
Time for a musical interlude! Frankie Moreno performs while Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer dance. In case you didn't know, Frankie is playing to sell-out crowds in Las Vegas. He can play a piano while sitting on it. Swell.
Brooke goes upstairs to order four more couples downstairs. I swear she actually has to refer to a note card to remember who she's bossing around. Is this little interlude really something we needed to see? I'm having flashbacks to junior high gym class.
Anyway, onward and upward. This package isn't too exciting, except that we learn Apolo talks in funny voices and Drew sort of thinks that the judges are asses.
Shawn & Derek and Apolo & Karina are safe. Drew & Anna are… in jeopardy. Oh, and Kelly & Val are safe.
So, we have Drew & Anna and Kirstie & Maks in the bottom two. So, who's going home? Drew & Anna. Whoa. Drew looks like he's going to cry. This has to hurt. It's the first time he's been eliminated from the show, after all.
Still, Drew shakes it off and reaches deep into his soul for some upbeat, canned patter. He wouldn't change a thing. He had fun, it was a great experience, and he's only sort of pissed off. He didn't say that last thing, but we all know he's thinking it. The judges let him down, and America? You suck, too!
Next, we watch a package of the judges walking and talking about last night's show. I realize they're really trying to pep up what has become a pretty dull formula, but I'm not sure filming people walking is all that amazing. A local newscast tried to shake things up by having the anchors stand instead of sitting behind a desk, and I think it only succeeded in making the anchors tired and left viewers wondering why the station had to sell the set.
It's time for the couples to pick styles of dance for other couples! We see footage of celebrities hoping no other celebrities hate them. Of course they don't! Everyone loves one another on this show! Where do they think they are, "American Idol"?
The list goes up:
Rock & Roll
Everyone has just ten seconds to make a decision. The lowest scoring couples pick for the corresponding highest scoring couples. So, Bristol & Mark pick for Gilles & Peta. They stick them with Bollywood, a decision which Bristol makes with much speed and, to be honest, a fairly nasty tone to her voice. America, why do you keep voting for Bristol? This season she seems REALLY cranky. If you care about Mark at all, let him go home and get some sleep.
Kirstie & Maks pick for Sabrina & Louis. The give them disco. I think Sabrina is thrilled, so maybe Kirstie was just trying to be nice. Hear that, Bristol?
Helio & Chelsea pick for Shawn & Derek. They give them mambo, and Shawn & Derek don't care because they can dance in any style, including whatever it is that they do in "Stomp!" with the trash cans tied to their feet.
Kelly & Val pick for Emmit & Cheryl. They choose bolero, which does not incite rioting or fighting.
Melissa & Tony choose for Apolo & Karina. They give them hip hop, which amuses the hell out of Apolo. I think Karina's actually thrilled, though.
Then, it's payback time! The process is reversed, and Apolo & Karina pick for Melissa & Tony. The only downside is that the scariest styles are already chosen, so this isn't quite as much fun. Apolo & Karina choose the jitterbug.
Emmit & Cheryl pick for Kelly & Val and select contemporary. Val seems thrilled, even if Kelly doesn't.
Shawn & Derek pick Broadway for Helio & Chelsie, who seem quite fine with this. Yes, this was a grand idea, as the only truly scary choice -- Bollywood -- was gone in the first five seconds.
Sabrina & Louis dump Charleston on Kirstie & Maks, who seem to find it pretty funny.
Bristol & Mark are stuck with the last choice, which is rock & roll. Is this even really a style of dance? Why not put the pony and the mashed potato on the list?
Macy's Power of Dance segment features Penn State student Josh Johnson from Harlem. When he couldn't cover the cost of college -- which these days no one can unless their last name is Trump or they like to rob banks in between classes -- he started tap dancing in subways. Tonight, he tap dances on "Dancing with the Stars." Let's hope they give him some tip money or something.
The problem with this routine is that we kick it off without Josh, instead focused on four professional dancers. By the time he takes the stage, all I can pay attention is to the fact that his technique just isn't as good. Look, the guy doesn't want to be a pro dancer -- the reason he's on the show is because he's inspiring. Just let him dance, and maybe toss in the hip-hop dancers who aren't competition, and don't turn this into a Vegas production! We just had one of those, remember?
With a medley of their hits "Hello" and "Broken Hearted," Karmin, which is a guy with a girl in a really unfortunate outfit, performs. Um, that "hello" repetition at the end? It may be an homage to Nirvana, but I guarantee Kurt Cobain is rolling over in his grave.
Next up, we have Sabrina & Louis, Helio & Chelsie and Bristol & Mark. The last elimination is ahead! It couldn't possibly be Bristol & Mark, could it? Of course not. Who is voting for her? Blind people?
No, Bristol is safe, leaving Helio and Sabrina in jeopardy. Helio looks grim. So does Sabrina, actually. And the couple going home is… Helio & Chelsie. Whoa. Two former champions kicked to the curb tonight -- and two crap dancers stay in the game.
Helio thanks his family, the racing world and America. Helio, don't thank America, as America is apparently voting for Bristol Palin
, a reality TV star of no discernible talent. I guess, in a sense, that is the American way these days. Yay, us.
What did you think of the double elimination? Who are you rooting for? And what did you think of the routine selection for next week?