There are unwelcome house guests and then there's Ramona, who takes foul-tempered curmudgeonry to a whole new level. Heather thinks she's inviting her frenemies to her Berkshires getaway for a relaxing weekend of sunning, swimming and possibly sweating (if it's as hot as Ramona says it is, I'm surprised no one in the menopausal set burst into flames). Yeah, Ramona doesn't want to go. No famous people go to the Berkshires! It's going to remind her of where she grew up (for the record, she did not grow up in the same state as the Berkshires, so I guess it's just that the trees are the same). When she discovers that Heather's house doesn't have air conditioning, she's ready to turn the car around and head home. I'm betting Heather wishes she had.
Ramona isn't the only rusted-out, annoyingly squeaky wheel on the trip, however. Before the weekend, Kristen makes the mistake of inviting Sonja over to get some business advice from her husband Josh, who is a real, live businessman. It takes about two seconds for Josh to realize Sonja is batcrap crazy, unfocused and probably delusional. I wish Kristen hadn't bothered to make the date, because it only ends in bloodletting and screaming, though much, much later.
After Ramona, Sonja, Kristen and Carole arrive at Heather's (Aviva is on a visitation to her kid's camp or some such), it's a quick descent into bitchiness. Actually, that starts on the car ride in, when Ramona chirps that she can afford 20 houses in the Berkshires, as it's such a pit compared to the Hamptons. Ah, but if she could only buy class! Then, Ramona's first words upon arrival are "Is this your house or the garage?" It's clearly the house, dumbass. But she knew that already, I'm sure.
Heather tries to gently poke at Ramona for that one, then gives her the hottest room in the house (oops!). But no worries, because Ramona has ordered air conditioning! While the other girls are outside enjoying the grounds, Ramona and Sonja are sticking their butts on the air conditioner and moaning like wounded warthogs. They're such delicate flowers they couldn't dream of sweating! Or admit they're having hot flashes!
Heather's suggestion that they visit the lake has Ramona barking about the indignity of carrying a canoe, then the whining about the lack of cushions, then complaining that no one is being quiet enough for her liking. Poor Carole is stuck on a boat with Ramona and Sonja, which is eventually so thoroughly disagreeable she jumps in the water. Maybe she wanted to go swimming, but I think she just wanted to get away from these two old goats.
As much as Ramona yaps about wanting peace and quiet, the minute Heather and Kristen decide to hop out of their canoe to swim Ramona sees her opportunity to tattle. Within seconds she's telling Ramona how Kristen and Josh badmouthed her at a dinner Heather had before the trip. Sonja doesn't seem to mind that Josh called her a walking disaster, sniffing, "He must just be jealous" (cue hysterical laughter! Hahahahahahahaha!), but Ramona is on a tear. She's her BFF! How dare he insult the goddess who is Crazypants right to her face! The nerve! As if he has a right to correctly assess her complete disaster of a business non-plan! I love that Ramona has no problem telling everyone Sonja is about to lose her home and may soon be living under a very exclusive overpass, but if a couple actually takes an interest in helping her and subsequently realize she's insane, they're the monsters.
What Ramona doesn't realize is that during her rant Heather and Kristen have swum up alongside the canoe. It's there that Kristen gets to hear how Ramona thinks she's one step above an inflatable sex doll. So, it's no surprise that Kristen decides to splash Ramona, which suggests she isn't really thinking or she's really, really pissed. We know Ramona does not like to be made wet! I think Ramona might actually be the Wicked Witch of the West in a buttload of waterproof foundation, because she really loses her mind about moisture.
So, deeply offended by being made wet (she had her hair done! She covered her green skin so perfectly!) she does what any rational person wouldn't and pitches a glass at Kristen. There's blood, there's panic, and everyone agrees Ramona needs to apologize. She may not like getting wet, but it's not like she's ever made a buck off her looks, which Kristen has -- whether Ramona likes it or not.
Next week's episode appears to follow Ramona's spiral down the crazy hole, in which she manages to convince everyone that the trees of the Berkshires are causing her post-traumatic stress and she's feeling victimized by this entire trip and Kristen probably brought all of that blood on herself! She deserves broken glass in her face! I'm thinking this is the first and last time Heather invites Ramona and Sonja to her Berkshires home, but no worries. Ramona can only summon up so many freak-outs in a season anyway.
In other news, Carole is using a matchmaker to end her six-month dry spell. Can't she just order one up like a pizza? If Sonja can hook a twenty-three-year-old and Ramona can get air conditioning to go, anything is possible in New York City.
Do you think Ramona was the worst house guest ever? Did Kristen deserve to get pelted? Do you think Carole needs a matchmaker?