So, so much happens on "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
" this week! Actually, no. I mean, a big day for these gals is brunch and a new purse. Their first world problems must be created from petty grievances, hurt feelings and simmering jealousy over who has the cutest shoes. Good news! They've got plenty of those! Oh, and Yolanda has Lyme disease. So, there's one actual problem. Excuse me, I feel a little faint. Hey, I bet Lisa does, too! We'll get to that matter shortly, never fear.
Let's start with Yolanda's Lyme disease, which has somehow affected her brain and required a shunt in her heart. What's really scary, though, is Yolanda's doctor, who looks like an aging Vegas magician or Rob Lowe's character in "Behind the Candelabra." Seriously, if my doctor has enough time to get blond highlights, he's not working hard enough.
Anyway, Yolanda is worried. What if David Foster decides to trade her in for a different trophy wife? What if she dies? The former, by the way, is much more significant. If she dies, at least she won't have to do the Master Cleanse any more. Ah, death -- a blessed relief from dieting!
I would argue that Yolanda's brain fog isn't from Lyme disease so much as it's from a lack of protein. When her daughter calls her up post-op to tell her she's feeling really woozy from only eating a half-almond that day, Yolanda tells her to go nuts -- eat SEVERAL almonds! And chew them thoroughly!
Best part of Yolanda's segment: Gigi tells Yolanda she can tell she's nervous about going to the hospital, because she's wearing clogs. Comfortable footwear is a sign of internal weakness, people! Beat your Crocs to death with a hammer!
Also on the crazy train is Carlton, whose daughter isn't Mystery, as I thought, but Mysteri. Her other children, Destiny and Cross are spelled as you might expect, but that doesn't make them any less weird. Carlton loves religious iconography. Crosses are so cool! So is the pentagram! She just loves religious stuff, even if she's a witch and most of it probably has no significance to her. She also loves to swear in front of her children, dropping the F bomb like a friendly sprinkle of oregano or fairy dust everywhere she goes.
Brandi recruits her mom to help her move into her fabulous new house, which has a rusty oven and may not be as fabulous as she thinks. I'm also wondering why, if Brandi is moving on up, she needs to make her elderly mom shlep her stuff. There are these things called moving companies that can do that for you, Brandi! Anyway, Brandi's dad won't speak to her because her Oscar dress was so lousy and he hates her fake boobs. Brandi can't understand how a guy who used to walk around naked could have become so conservative, and I'd hazard a guess that it may have started the day his daughter almost had a massive nip slip on national television.
The important (I use that word loosely) thing we learn about Brandi is she loves to write poetry. Really, really bad poetry. Her mother jokes, "Byron, Keats and Shelley have nothing to worry about."
Brandi responds, "Who are they?" This is the moment where you can actually hear the face palms echoing through, if not Los Angeles, at least other parts of the country.
Finally, we move on to Lisa, who is getting increasingly comfortable pressing her naughty bits against Gleb while working on "Dancing with the Stars." That's most exciting about her stint on the show is that Taylor shows up to watch her. Taylor! Yeah, and she almost looks normal. She's now dating her divorce lawyer, so that isn't weird at all. But hey, glad she's happy. And he's glad there's no crappy ex-husband for him to deal with. Anyway, Taylor isn't on the show anymore because she's spending all her time in Colorado. Right. That's it.
Anyway, Lisa feels terrible for Kyle. She has no friends anymore now that Taylor's in Colorado and Adrienne is… what, dead? I mean, Adrienne isn't on the show anymore, but let's not get overly dramatic. Lisa doesn't really feel terrible for Kyle, but it doesn't matter, because Kyle is trying the new Housewives on for size. While Joyce seems to be a candidate for new suck-up BFF, Carlton is not exactly a fan. While Carlton is crazy in her own special way, I can appreciate her ability to see through Kyle and find her lacking.
Strike one: Kyle interrupts Carlton's story about a cat killing a bird in her living room to get the wine. A bird DIED, Kyle! Be respectful! Strike two: Carlton thinks it's terrible when Kyle and her friend Sharon conspire to kill a bee at the table. Yeah, Kyle could die if she gets stung, but bees are people, too! Strike three: She thinks Kyle's story about her boobs leaking is totally unfunny, even though Joyce looks like she's going to blow wine out her nose she's laughing so hard. Ding, ding, ding! Carlton thinks Kyle is an asshat. Let the season begin!
A less unpleasant lunch is being had at Lisa's house, where she's invited over Brandi and Yolanda for caustic conversation. Even though Kyle makes a big show of going to support Lisa when she's on "Dancing with the Stars," I think she might as well give up, as Lisa just seems to, in her very English way, hate her guts.
In other news, Kim has a pit bull named Kingsley which will someday kill and eat a toddler. I want to say that Kim, who had NO idea that training a PIT BULL might be challenging, might have wanted to get a small, fluffy purse dog instead of a loaded weapon covered in fur. She hires a trainer named David to help her wrestle Kingsley into submission. I think it's time to call Cesar Milan for a pick-up, honestly.
Even though Lisa has gotten a fabulous new body from appearing on "Dancing with the Stars," she's overwhelmed. She wants to open a gay garden bar named Pump, which could also have a daytime function for breastfeeding mothers, I think. Anyway, she can't do it all, and thus "faints" during rehearsals for the show. As trained actors Kyle and Kim quickly point out, it's a fake faint. They have a point, as it's more of a soap opera swoon and Lisa manages to hold on to Gleb's hand so she doesn't hit her head against the floor. To make it convincing, she waves the camera away -- because no celebrity in their right mind wants the camera to stop running, right?
Apparently this fake faint will be a big deal next week. As usual, much ado about nothing much, but that's what we love about our "Housewives," right?
Do you think it was a fake faint? Were you happy to see Taylor? And do you think Carlton and Joyce are going to fit in?
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