Day-umn. It's only the first part of "The Real Housewives of Altanta" reunion, and we already have a physical assault to handle. Yes, Porsha gives Kenya's hair a good, hard yank, and I think there may have been some slapping before they hit the ground. Unfortunately, that part happened just outside of the lit area of the set, so it's hard to know exactly what happened. Still, whatever went down, Kenya's hair looked pretty good when it was all over, which is a minor miracle.

Kenya wants Porsha fired for her actions, but I wouldn't bet on it. Everyone's been waiting to see which Housewife would smack Kenya first, and if poor Porsha hadn't yanked the scepter out of Kenya's hand, I suspect someone else would have. Actually Kenya's lucky no one decided to beat her to death with that or the megaphone. 

Oh yeah, the scepter and the megaphone! Kenya brought props with her, both of them thoroughly annoying. She used the scepter to knight Andy Cohen, then use it to demand the floor for herself. It didn't work, but it succeeded in getting the camera guy to put her in the shot most of the time. Even the megaphone wasn't all that effective. Kenya mostly used it on Porsha, who tried talking over it and, when that didn't work, decided to get all up in Kenya's grill for a girl fight. 

I guess you could say Porsha brought her own props to the reunion, which would be a nice way of saying she got a boob job. She also invited Andy to smell them. I think this means they have a "new car" smell or something. I just don't know. It was weird. 

Andy was pretty quick to start pushing buttons during this reunion, so it shouldn't be surprising that things ended in fisticuffs. Of course, at first all his pushing doesn't really result in much. He made a point of asking how Phaedra is doing in light of Apollo getting leveled with federal "complaints" for fraud and identity theft. Phaedra, being a lawyer and a Southern lady, just smiled and nodded and thanked Andy for his fake concern. Sorry, Andy!

Next, time to discuss NeNe's pulmonary embolism. She wears compression socks when she flies and walks around the plane. Then, it's time for a twerk montage! Cynthia is a truly awful dancer, in case we'd forgotten. Oh, wait, in case the video montage didn't drive that point home, Andy has viewer questions. Somebody says Cynthia dances like an old white woman. Thanks, viewer! 

Cynthia tries to defend herself by saying that her robot may be "more gangsta" than her twerk, which suggests she may actually be an old white woman. From twerking, we move on to a discussion of whether or not Kenya's butt is fake. Phaedra thinks Kenya's boyfriend is fake. Zing!

Kenya decides to keep it classy by explaining that she has, ahem, "never had a problem getting some dick... I have 99 problems, but dick ain't one." 

Thankfully, it's soon time to get off of the dick talk and ask Kandi about whether or not Tyler Perry liked "A Mother's Love" (yes, a lot). But there's a girl fight angle! Was she upset that NeNe threw shade on her play? NeNe didn't feel it was shade to say she wasn't going to go from a Ryan Murphy production to a Kandi Burruess production. Kandi didn't think it was a big deal. Sorry, Andy!

Andy tries to pick another fight. Cynthia, do you think Todd is an opportunist? Cynthia swerves and says she doesn't know him well enough to say. And Phaedra certainly doesn't. Sorry, Andy! Man, he's not exactly pushing the buttons I'm sure he was expecting to push. Does anyone else think NeNe seems to be in a crap mood? 

Another attempt to get the girls fighting by pointing out Kandiest as the tardiest at the party fizzles, so Andy wisely goes back to a reliable source of drama -- Kenya. 

There are some tears for Velvet, then, yes, a return to that invisible boyfriend problem. Kenya wants everyone to know she never poses with boyfriends on the red carpet or for paparazzi, so she keeps her love life below the radar. Porsha says there is no African prince, and Kenya gets out her megaphone, and it's all about to blow up and then... the ball gets tossed to NeNe. She's met the African prince! She knows!

If Kenya is hoping NeNe will save her, she's in for a disappointment. NeNe relates a weird story of being accosted by some weird guy as she came out of a hotel, then leaving in a hurry when he kept trying to tell her someone was across the street (his accent made "Kenya Moore" sound like something else). Then, Kenya calls NeNe and yells at her for being rude to him -- and seems to confuse NeNe's car with his. Yeah, it sounds like Kenya slipped some guy twenty bucks and told him to bother NeNe, honestly. 

Still, Kenya decides to imply that Phaedra and Porsha are suffering bad karma for being mean to her. Porsha is not going there, no way, no how. The scepter has been waved, the scepter is snatched away, so Kenya calls for her megaphone... then has to put batteries in it. Phaedra and Kandi are having giggle fits, because this is really pretty ridiculous. Still, Porsha is getting fired up when Kenya brings up the whole Kordell issue. And, amidst the screaming, it becomes an actual fight. Kenya demands Porsha be fired, while Porsha lies on the ground, screaming that she's embarrassed herself. When you need NeNe and Phaedra to talk you down, you know you've lost your cool. 

Some guy named Carlos carries Porsha backstage, where Phaedra, NeNe and now Kandi try to assure Porsha freaking out on national television is now big deal, and she shouldn't let Kenya get to her. Yes, but I'm expecting to find a meme of Porsha banging her little heels on the floor and screaming in about five minutes. 

We watch Andy apologize profusely to Kenya, then tell Porsha she can go home and "rest." I'm not sure what this means for Porsha continuing with the show, but it may not be good. I think you're allowed to embarrass yourself in any way you want on "The Real Housewives" franchise as long as it doesn't become a felony assault -- and this might have crossed the line.

Do you feel sorry for Porsha or Kenya? Do you think Porsha should be fired? Do you think Kenya should have been allowed to bring props?