Cher! Cher! Yay! Cher! As excited as I am that Cher is on "Dancing with the Stars," I'm going to withhold any comments on her actual performance until I'm able to watch a second time on something other than a tiny computer. I think, though I will not commit to this, her singing was off. Possibly way off. But let's not go there. I want to blame my computer as long as I possibly can. And did I mention Cher is 67? Yes, she's a miracle of modern science and possibly more plastic than human at this point, but who cares? She looks great!

Also, during her performance, she doesn't move much, which seems like an odd choice for "Dancing with the Stars." Oh, wait, an obnoxious uber fan has informed me she's having foot surgery soon. She she walked down the stairs. Oh, and she's wiggling a leg. That's a relief. Anyway, let's get on with the actual dancing! As you'd expect, the stars are dancing to Cher's greatest hits. Expect a sales bump tomorrow, Cher!

 

Corbin & Karina

The Background: Because he's busy with the movie he's producing, he doesn't have a say in what they do for the Argentine tango. He's nervous because he hasn't been able to focus on the dances. He's so busy! It was a crazy week, blah blah blah. Sorry, I fail to believe that anything else Corbin is doing is really more important than "Dancing with the Stars." 

The Dance: Before we dance, we applaud Cher, who has managed to hobble to the judges' table. Corbin & Katrina are dancing to "Welcome to Burlesque." His footwork looks a little messy, but his upper body seems on point. He does have good posture. Still, you can tell he didn't get as much practice this week.

The Judges: Carrie Ann is up first. She thinks Corbin brought his A game. His footwork wasn't as smooth as it could have been, though. Bruno thinks his performance had a wonderful depth to it. But his passes were not as clean as usual. Cher thought it was amazing, and they were beautiful. Oh. So Cher is going to be a big lovey marshmallow of a judge. 

Oh, his movie? It's a documentary about bullying and he's trying to get it financed on indiegogo.com. Yeah, not as important as "Dancing with the Stars." Meaningful maybe, but not likely to be a significant income stream. 

The Scores: Carrie Ann - 9, Cher - 9, Bruno - 9

The Verdict: He's probably safe for a while, but I think putting an indiegogo crowd funding project about "DWTS" will not win the voter love.

 

Leah & Tony

The Background: Leah is thrilled to have Cher on board. She's also thrilled she's standing in for Len. She's pretty sure that Cher is not going to be a stickler for perfection and will just be enjoying the performances, and I'm sure she's right. They're dancing to "I Got You, Babe." They're going to dance the meeting of Sonny and Cher. This sounds kind of adorable, really. 

The Dance: This is achingly slow, but it's nice. It falls apart a little bit as it continues, and I think Leah misses some moves. 

The Judges: Bruno thought it was loveliness and innocence. The side-by-sides were good, but she needs to work on hold. Cher is going to knee Bruno, or at least she claims she will. Carrie Ann thinks she got under the timing. Her upper carriage was great, but she was behind the music. Cher was enthralled that they could interpret her meeting with Sonny so wonderfully. She loved the look in her eyes and she thought it was great. 

The Scores: Carrie Ann - 8, Cher - 9, Bruno - 8

The Verdict: I think Leah's days may be numbered. Though she's a fun personality, she and Bill aren't strong enough to go much further. 

 

Brooke reveals that the top rated couple will be safe for a week. Ah, I guess this is a decision made post-Christina Milian. 

 

Brant & Peta

The Background: Peta goes to the set of "Pretty Little Liars" so everyone knows where Brant works. Unfortunately, this kills two days of practice time. There is so much riding on this foxtrot! He wants to be safe! 

The Dance: This seems precise. And it ends with a big kiss. They dance to "The Shoop Shoop Song," and I'd like to say I love it, but it doesn't look very fluid.

The Judges: Cher thinks they had two smiles that went together. Carrie Ann agrees that Brant has the most potential, but he's knock-kneed. Bruno thinks his content is always flawless… but he has to work on his knees and refine instead of push. 

The Scores: Carrie Ann - 9 Cher 9, Bruno - 9

The Verdict: Middle of the pack, I think. 

 

Elizabeth & Val

The Background: They had everything set for one song -- then at the last minute, Elizabeth had to change her song choice to "Bang Bang," which irritates the hell out of Val. She cries. She should be getting this faster! They'll be dancing jazz.

The Dance: This wasn't great, to be honest. 

The Judges: Cher cried about the show this week, too. But she thought it was great and rough and she liked her winning. And then she is bleeped out for a loooooooong time. And Carrie Ann looks shocked. Elizabeth wants to thank her as a woman for creating her own set of rules. Bruno thought it was like "The Hunger Games." But she missed a lot of musical cues. Carrie Ann thinks she was one-dimensional in her anger. There wasn't enough breath and she needed to point her toes more. 

The Scores: Carrie Ann - 8, Cher - 9, Bruno - 8 

The Verdict: This wasn't a great dance, coupled with the fact Elizabeth made a diva move by changing the song (and making a lot of people behind the scenes suffer). This won't earn her voter love, I think. 

 

Bill & Emma

The Background: Bill thought he was going home last week. Still, he feels he deserves to be on the show, as he's working hard and improving each week. They'll be dancing to "Strong Enough." He is bringing it for disco night!

The Dance: Look! It's dad at the wedding reception after too many Pabst Blue Ribbons! That being said, I love this attitude and I love that he's really working at this. The couple dancing is a lot stronger than the side-by-side stuff, as he just looks adrift. 

The Judges: Bruno thinks he got the disco inferno going. He was gagging with laughter! Carrie Ann thinks Bill makes her day better. He was off beat, but she still loved it! Cher was amazed he could toss Emma around the way he did.  Even though he missed a whole lot of stuff, she still thought it was brilliant. 

The Scores: Carrie Ann - 8, Cher - 8, Bruno - 8 After scoring, Tom invites Bill to tell Cher how much he over her. 

The Verdict: He's so sweet and so funny, but even with his devoted voter base, I'm not sure he has many more weeks on the show. 

 

Cheryl is named after Cher! Fun facts time!

 

Jack & Cheryl

The Background: Jack loves dancing now! He had thought it was cheesy, but now he thinks it's totally awesome! Anyway, they'll be doing a tango to "The Beat Goes On." Jack is worried about performing in front of Cher and dancing to her music on top of it, because he knows it has pissed off his dad when people have covered his music badly in front of him. 

The Dance: After a shaky start, he seems to get the hang of it more or less. His posture is good, but he seems stiff instead of fiery. 

The Judges: Carrie Ann thinks he's so confident! Now he looks refined, and she loved the performance except for the first head snap. Cher thought he looked like a tango-dancing pimp. This is a good thing. Bruno agrees. It's all about the pimp and the hooker! 

The Scores: Carrie Ann - 9, Cher - 9, Bruno - 9 Tom then shows a clip in which Cheryl doesn't recognize the lyric "Do you believe in life after love?" Oh well. 

The Verdict: The judges love him, so he's not going anywhere, I think.

 

You know what Cher would do if she could turn back time? She'd go back to the '80s, because she had too much fun back then.

 

Amber & Derek

The Background: Amber was admitted to the hospital for a torn knee tendon. Derek tells her she just needs to be able to finish the competition healthy and intact. Derek danced with someone else so Amber could watch and tape it. They're dancing a rumba to "Turn Back Time." She's going to have to act to conjure up all the girly stuff, she says. 

The Dance: There was a moment at the beginning where I think her knee really hurt. It's very good, but it's not her strongest dance ever. 

The Judges: Cher thought she owned it, she bought it, she got a T-shirt. Bruno thought she was a girl on top. She was the lead and he bought it. Carrie Ann thinks she undulates like nobody else, but she felt it wasn't her best dance. 

The Scores: Carrie Ann - 9 Cher - 9 Bruno - 10

The Verdict: They're safe this week. The risk with this new element is that they might not get a lot of votes this week if people just assume they're "safe" going forward. Don't underestimate an audience's ability to misunderstand your ever-changing rules, "DWTS." 

 

Time for more Cher! She performs "I Hope You Find It" in a fabulous feathered headdress/wig/something and looks very, very Cher. Hey, Chaz is in the audience! Her tour kicks off in March, and tickets are on sale now! 

 

It's time for the Dance-Off!

 

Corbin & Karina decide to dance off against Elizabeth & Val. 

Elizabeth & Val choose the dance style. They choose… cha cha.

The Dance (Corbin & Karina): This is much better than their previous dance, to be honest. 

The Dance (Elizabeth & Val): They're out of hold so much. I just think Corbin & Karina looked a little more traditional.

The Judges: Carrie Ann thinks they both nailed the routine. Bruno thought one was tight and clean, the other was sultry. It's like picking red or black! Cher thinks it was sexy and hot and tight.

The Winners: Corbin & Karina (unanimous)

 

Brant & Peta decide to dance off against Leah & Tony

Leah & Tony choose… rumba

The Dance (Brant & Peta): Again, far better than their other dance. Was everyone fixated on the dance-off this week?

The Dance (Leah & Tony): Sultry, but not as refined as Brant & Peta's dance. Apples and oranges, I think.

The Judges: Bruno is torn. Carrie Ann thinks Leah nailed the dance of love, but Brant was a leading man in need of hip action. Cher liked them both so much!

The Winners: Carrie Ann - Leah & Tony, Cher - Leah & Tony, Bruno - Brant & Peta

 

The last two couples have to dance one another and they have to dance disco.

The Dance (Jack & Cheryl): This is impressive! Again, everyone saved their big guns for the dance-off!

The Dance (Bill & Emma): One more than one occasion, Bill looks like a happy chipmunk. This isn't such a bad thing. More cute, really.

The Judges: Carrie Ann says Jack surprised her. Cher was amazed at Jack's moves. Bruno thinks Jack turned disco into dirty dancing. 

The Winners: Jack & Cheryl (unanimous)

 

Tom then tells Bill to read the teleprompter -- he and Emma are safe! Go figure. Okay, I take it back --Bill's voter base may take him all the way to the end. 

The next couple safe is... Elizabeth & Val. Next... Corbin & Karina. Also safe... Leah & Tony. That means it's down to Jack & Cheryl and Brant & Peta.

The couple going home is... Brant & Peta. Wow. Did not see this coming. He wasn't the best dancer, no, but he was a lot stronger than Leah, Bill or Jack. 

He's choked up, Peta's choked up. Well, "Dancing with the Stars" is a popularity contest, and let's face it -- most of the people watching probably aren't in the "Pretty Little Liars" demo (I'm guessing Jack Osbourne is getting a big boost from his mom being on "The Talk"). 

Cher had a good time, at least!

What did you think of Cher? Were you surprised Brant got the boot? Who do you think will win?