Julie Chen and her shoulders welcome us to a drama-packed season of "Big Brother," which she says will be the biggest ever. Biggest people? Biggest house? Biggest jerks? Who knows! Oh, wait, we get to have a major impact on the game, so that might be the big part. So… this is like "Glass House"? Kidding! Don't sue me, CBS!
Enough nattering -- it's time to meet our hamsters! Well, we get to see our hamsters as they receive keys and such. They scream a great deal. Who would have thought people would emerge as intensely annoying in the first ten minutes. It's going to be a great, painfully high-pitched season!
Meet… your… hamsters! "So You Think You Can Dance" fans, just say that like Cat Deeley.
Aaryn is the ultimate Texas girl, girly girl but still able to, I guess, rope steer or something. She's a psych major, so she thinks she has a way to pick brains. Thinks, mind you.
Nick is, basically, Peter Parker. From now on, I think I'll just call him Peter Parker, because that's one less name I have to memorize.
Helen is a mom of two tiny tots, plus she works in politics in Chicago. I don't think Helen will go as far as she wants to go given that she seems stuffy and not like much fun, but I am totally rooting for her.
Spencer is from Arkansas, looks like a member of ZZ Top, and is totally ready to backstab. I am not so impressed with Spencer.
David is from San Diego and is a life guard with fairly ridiculous hair. He talks like Jeff Spicoli, but doesn't seem like a stoner so much as not-too-bright. If "Baywatch" were still on the air, he'd be perfect for it.
Elissa is a yoga instructor and she's RACHEL'S SISTER. YoU rEmeMbER RaCHel, right? She won the all-star season. Oh my God, I hope she doesn't have her sister's laugh.
Andy is a big brother super fan, and he teaches his students how to lie. Andy will never win a physical challenge, I suspect, so I hope he's got game.
Kaitlin is a Minnesota girl who feels she's too nice and too friendly. I would ask why she's going on "Big Brother," but maybe she can make nice work for her.
McCrae from Minnesota only aspires to be the best pizza delivery guy ever. Is he for real? I am not entirely convinced he is, even though we see him deliver pizza very efficiently. Maybe he is the best pizza delivery guy ever!
GinaMarie is a pageant organizer from Staten Island. Oh ma God. She has a game face and an obnoxious laugh. I hate her a lot, I think. But maybe Elissa isn't the Rachel of the season -- GinaMarie is!
Howard says he has to win at all costs… and he's a youth and family counselor. So that's a good message. I hope he doesn't give the kids hand guns and scissors to hold while jogging.
Jessie is from Texas and she's an annoying pain in the ass. Girls are always jealous of her because of her great personality and good looks. That's not it, Jessie.
Jeremy lives on a sailboat. He wants to sail around the world. And he's into bad Cherokee-themed tattoos.
Amanda sells real estate in Florida and she squeals. I have a headache, so the squealing may be bothering me more than it would otherwise, but this seems like a pretty squealy group.
Candice has a white family and a black family. And she has a dual personality beyond the white/black issue. I'm not sure if she's actually interesting, but at least her story is.
Judd likes to fish and eat frog legs. And he's really hard to understand.
So there we have sixteen people, some of whom I already want to strangle. Yay! Time to watch them get ready for the big event! David is packing his V-necks, and Peter Parker wants a nice blonde girl.
Julie Chen is in da house, literally. What does the summer have in store for the hamsters? No one knows! Except someone will win. Shut up, Julie Chen, and get on with it.
Candice, GinnaMarie, Judd and Andy are first in the house. They get the good beds! GinaMarie screams in her annoying way. If I had to take a class with Andy, I would drop it immediately.
Ah, the "he's cute/she's cute" hormones are flaring! Judd wants to hang out with GinaMarie. Many people want to hang out with other people, but oddly, there seems to be no actual love connection potential, because everyone wants to hang out with people who are attracted to someone else. This could be the most sadly romantic season of "Big Brother" ever!
Elissa, Jeremy, Kaitlin, McCrae are next in the house. Jeremy runs around like a frightened deer, which makes me think he may not be the most strategic player. McCrae is overwhelmed. He doesn't look or talk like these people! Because… pizza delivery guys don't socialize? I am so not convinced he is who he says he is.
Howard, Helen, Jessie, and Nick are next. Helen feels like she's met her favorite celebrity of all time by entering the house. Helen, it's too early for me to lose respect for you, stop it! There's lots of hugging. Howard is excited about the hot girls. GinaMarie is excited about Howard.
Elissa wants to form an all-girl alliance, because it's never been done before on the show. Yes! But it ain't gonna happen. Kaitlin doesn't get along with girls. She suspects cattiness ahead. Jessie thinks she's the prettiest girl, so she doesn't think it's a good idea. Jessie? Um, you're not. Sorry.
Aaryn, Amanda, David, and Spencer are last in. Yay. There are no beds for them. David doesn't know who to bunk with. I'm sure someone will happily bunk with him and his hair.
Spencer can't wait until everyone is gone, because he's desperate to win. Desperation and a bad beard never take people far in this game, Spencer. There is champagne and introductions. Judd is worried people will think he's the dumbest guy in the house, until he meets David. Zing!
Jessie thinks Jeremy is going to turn into a werewolf because he looks like Tyler Lautner, which means she wants to toss him on a bed and ravage him. Amanda thinks Peter Parker is hot. Helen talks about her kids but not her job, because she doesn't want a target on her back. Hmm, I don't think anyone is going to believe she's a stay-at-home mom.
Kaitlin thinks Andy is her gaymance, which is cute. Jeremy thinks Kaitlin is the hottest girl in the house. McCrae thinks Howard is hot, but he's not gay. Bromance! Spencer hates GinaMarie. Me, too! Amanda thinks McCrae is a secret genius, and no one believes he's a pizza boy. I am really hoping McCrae isn't just a pizza boy, because this is starting to bum me out.
David is immediately in love with Aaryn and thinks she's his future wife. I would be dismissive of this, but people do seem to have fairly lasting relationships from their "Big Brother" incarcerations. Elissa looks so much like RaCHeL. And, finally, Judd realizes she looks familiar. Oh yes she does!
Countdown to alliances and secrets! Spencer, Howard and Jeremy form an instant alliance. Jeremy wants it to be secret. Meanwhile, Jessie wants to align herself with David and Jeremy. Jeremy is fine with that, but it has to be secret. McCrae walks in, and no one wants to be his friend. Waah-waah.
Julie Chen checks in to frighten everyone with a revelation -- this season has many twists, and one of them is… there won't be two nominees every week. Collective gasp! There will be three. So, the HOH will nominate two people for eviction, but the third will be… I'm guessing picked via social media. Whatever. Not that twisty, Julie Chen. And then she mentions Rachel, hint, hint, hint. No one seems to get it.
Time for an HOH competition! The hamsters must cling to big, rotating foam popsicles and get rotated. One of these days I want the show to turn this game on its side, put apples in everyone's mouths, and call it Rotisserie. Howard throws the game? Really?
Candice figures out that Elissa looks like Rachel, and Judd realizes, da-doy, she's her sister. That took longer than I thought it would. The guests get covered in goo. David doesn't want to be in these competitions if his hair keeps getting messed up! I'm not making that up, mind you. He said that. I know he loves his hair, but it is ridiculous. Get a damn trim, David. You look like a girl from a 1960s movie, and not in a good way.
Aaryn is the last girl of the five remaining popsicle clutchers. But she gives up when she realizes the guys aren't going anywhere anytime soon. Andy thinks they're stupid to reveal they're this tough, but then, he may just be trying to console himself for having slipped too soon.
Julie Chen tells the next two people who drop that there are two lunch pails waiting for them. One ensures that whoever grabs it never has to be a have not. David drops to see if he can pick the winning pail. Jeremy thinks David is dumb enough to be manipulated any time he wants to manipulate him, which isn't untrue. David doesn't get the have not pass, so Jeremy drops so he can get it. Howard feels betrayed, because he needed Jeremy to win so he would be safe this week. Already the alliances are falling apart! Amazing!
So, we have Peter Parker and McCrae left to win. Peter Parker makes a deal with McCrae and drops, though McCrae says in the interview room he'd say anything to make sure he won. Don't be a backstabber this soon, McCrae!
Next, Julie Chen reveals the second twist of the night… the third nomination will be made by someone in the room. Oh. Okay. Every week, America will vote for the person they believe is playing the best -- and that MVP will make the third nomination. They will be informed of their MVP status in secret. So, their status is anonymous -- and so is their vote. This seems a little convoluted, but okay. Winning the MVP is good, and this will inspire sneakiness.
Julie Chen tells our frightened hamsters that America is voting for this week's BB MVP RIGHT NOW. Oh, Julie Chen, don't be so dramatic about things that aren't that dramatic. The player that MVP nominates will be revealed right before the veto competition each week.
Aaryn is so shocked by this new twist! McCrae thinks this could be a huge wrench in his plans. What plans? I thought he was still worrying about how to get a pizza out in thirty minutes or less. Howard thinks it's gonna be a crazy summer. I don't think he's wrong.
What do you think of the hamsters? Are you excited for this season? Do you think Elissa has an edge or will being Rachel's sister get her sent home sooner rather than later?