So, after last week's episode of "The Bachelorette," it seemed that this season of the show was pretty much a gory mess of disappointment and dead roses. Brooks, one of my favorites to win the whole kit and kaboodle (glad I didn't put money on it!) dumped Des like a load of moldy laundry. It was the kind of teary, agonizing break-up that made me want to buy Des a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You" and a pint of Ben & Jerry's. If you didn't see it, it was bad with a capital B, and, while plenty of people have been dumped in exactly the same way, most of them didn't have camera crews around to record every single, hideous moment. At least we learned Des' false eyelashes are really, really well secured. I see sponsorship possibilities!
Anyway, viewers now have lots and lots of questions about what Des will do -- pick a leftover guy? Cry and throw stuff at Chris Harrison's head? -- and, of course, rumors have been firing up the Internet about what might have actually occurred. On my podcast with Melinda Newman, she suggested that Brooks may actually change his mind and come back to Des to propose and live happily ever after (for, you know, three weeks or until they can arrange an Us Weekly cover"). I can't rule it out, but man, I'd have to question why Des would take Brooks back if he's going to be this wishy washy. Of course, we still don't know what's going to happen to the two leftover guys, Chris and Drew. Even if she did pick one of them, you pretty much know either relationship is plain old doomed the minute they turn on their DVRs to watch Des turn into a gooey puddle every time Brooks walks into the room.
Because there's no way to know what's ahead, I thought I'd live blog the craziness. Follow along if you dare!
8:00 p.m. ET WHAT WILL DESIREE DO? Can she still find the love and happiness she deserves? Um, I'm just going to say, not on this show.
8:02 p.m. Shocking LIVE conclusion, people! So, maybe there will be a public shaming/flogging of Brooks.
8:05 p.m. Here's Chris Harrison to talk to Des about her feelings. Chris tries to sell Des on her leftover guys. She likes Chris and Drew, but, you know, they're not Brooks. There is going to be more dumping! Wait, she doesn't know what she's going to do? Um, pull off the Band-Aid, Des.
8:14 p.m. Time for a gloomy rose ceremony! Don't Drew and Chris look cute in their suits? Poor ducks.
8:15 p.m. Chris Harrison does the set up to Des' punch. Brooks is gone! Drew and Chris try to look pained on her behalf, but you know they're secretly thrilled he's gone. Des assures them both that she isn't letting yesterday break her spirit, and she really values her relationships with them. Unfortunately, she keeps crying. If you guys don't want a rose, say so now! Although, come on, if either one of these guys had any doubts, they'd be jerks to say so. That would be like kicking a baby bunny.
8:18 p.m. Drew accepts his rose. Chris accepts his rose.
8:24 p.m. We are live! Weigh in, Bachelor Nation! Did Brooks ruin everyone's chances? A Brooks supporter thinks he's going to come back. Fingers crossed! Wow, a lot of people are betting on Brooks. A Chris supporter thinks he won't. Chris communicates! And writes bad poetry! Chris Harrison lets everyone know they don't check grammar on this show. Thank God!
8:26 p.m. More Brooks talk. It's going to be Brooks or no one. Chris Harrison points out "no one" has never been an option on "The Bachelorette." The crowd agrees -- if Brooks doesn't show up, Des should just go home.
8:34 p.m. Des wants to continue on and let her second choice guys try really really, really, really hard to take her mind off of Brooks. Des hopes that there might be sparks with Drew. Can she loves him the way she loved Brooks? If you don't already, Des, you're not going to love him by horseback riding. But Drew has no doubts! Poor Drew.
8:35 p.m. Des is not feeling it. Yeah, no big surprise, Des. YOU LOVE BROOKS. He wants to toast their being madly in love. Oh, God. This is like a slow-motion car wreck. And so the dumping begins. She'd be so lucky to have Drew in her life! But she doesn't see a future with him. Waah-waah.
8:38 p.m. Des is better at dumping than Brooks was, by the way. Drew thanks her for her honesty. She cries and he doesn't. He sniffles unconvincingly. He's either numb or a robot. I mean, Brooks cried more than Drew did. Maybe he's just really good at holding it together.
8:41 p.m. "I really loved her," Drew says, expressionlessly. Wait, there's a sniffle! I am either amazed at his self-possession or he just wasn't that into her, either. I think Chris Harrison is more upset than Drew was. WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF SHE SENDS CHRIS HOME, TOO? Chris Harrison is verklempt!
8:48 p.m. Time for Chris! He's getting further than than Drew. I mean, she gets him on a boat AND she kisses him. Instead of beating her over the head with his feelings, he makes it about her. Hugs and a shoulder to cry on, Des! Whatever you need! Smart guy.
8:52 p.m. Huh. There's lots of hugging and kissing. Des feels sparks. Hmmm... rebounds can be fun!
8:59 p.m. She's so glad she didn't give up on love! One day erased Brooks from her mind? That must have been SOME date. I know, I know, they've had ten weeks to get to know one another, but still, she seems pretty ready to move on with Chris. Lot of talk about how easy and comfortable this is, sort of like Chris is an old pair of sweatpants.
9:03 p.m. Chris wants to meet her family... unless she's HIDING THEM. Oh, no, she's cool with it. Her brother is locked up and sedated.
9:05 p.m. Chris gives Des a journal for their bad poetry. She's wowed! She feels like the luckiest girl alive. She never thought she'd meet someone like Chris! She feels so lucky -- then bursts into tears. She's thinking about Brooks, I'm sure. She feels that no one has ever loved her as much as she's loved them, so it's hard to feel so loved. It feels good! But she feels guilty. How could she not have loved him from the beginning? Because, well, Brooks was hotter.
9:12 p.m. Live studio audience! Chris Harrison introduces three of Des' friends and Sean and Catherine from last season. Time to talk last season of "The Bachelor"! Sean and Catherine aren't ready to announce a date for their wedding. But they're crazy in love! But back to Des. What would you have done if you'd been dumped, Sean? He would have packed his bags and gone home. Sean never thought of going home, though, because he knew Catherine was at the other end. Catherine says if she were Chris, she'd have a hard time sticking it out once he knew how much Des loved Brooks. Yeah, that's what we're all worried about now -- she'll pick Chris, and then he'll realize she doesn't love him the way she loved Brooks, and he'll walk, too. Eeek!
Time for Des' friends to weigh in! Jackie was shocked that Brooks left! But she loves Chris. Lesley thinks she really is falling for Chris. Watching last week, she was reminded of how Sean broke Des' heart, and she was sad to see that happen. But she thinks she's happy now! Linday is nervous and wonders if Brooks is the guy.
9:23 p.m. Back to Antigua! Time for Chris to meet her family. Chris isn't so eager to meet the crazy brother, Nate. Chris tells the family why he's the right guy. He was a skeptic. But he thought she was beautiful. Nate fires off a lot of questions. Did she have stronger connections with other guys? Chris admits it's nice not to see the other connections a girl has in normal dating, but he's keeping his eyes on his own paper. Chris is confident Des will choose him. Des is freaking out that Nate is going to scare Chris with crazy questions. Damn straight.
9:27 p.m. More questions from Nate. What if she picks Drew? Well, it would hurt, but he doesn't know how he'd feel. Finally, Des' dad pulls Chris aside. Chris yaks and yaks about his feelings and how much he loves Des and how his parents are still married. He asks for Des' hand in marriage. Dad gives him permission.