So, our journey with "American Horror Story: Coven" finally gasps its agonized last breath this week, and a new Supreme is crowned. But first, a music video from Stevie Nicks! Because that makes sense, right? Stop laughing. Misty would be, like, TOTALLY mad at you.
Oh, I know, I get it. Stevie sang about the Seven Wonders with Fleetwood Mac, and now the little witches are going to perform the Seven Wonders, and it's all kind of wonderful and bookend-y! Hey, why didn't she become the Supreme? Fleetwood Mac fans everywhere would plotz, I'm serious. Really, I can't ding the show for kicking off the season finale with a music video, because jeez, what haven't they done on "AHS"? Hey, let's kill everyone! Let's bring them back! Nazis! Anne Frank! Go-go dancing in a mental ward! Fire the torpedoes! Whoo-hoo!
While all of the storylines are more or less nicely tied up in this finale (do I not want to know what Spaulding has done with that baby at this point? Yeah, I probably don't), I have to admit this season left me a little cold. I had long been rooting for Delia to rise up as the Supreme, but somewhere along the way the nastiness that kept bubbling up among the other witches overshadowed her storyline. Delia was certainly deserving of the gig, but I don't feel as if we ever got a chance to really get to know the woman behind the creepy burnt eyeballs. It's not like she didn't have tearful conversations with Myrtle, angry conversations with Fiona, and spend a lot of time dealing with her eye sockets. But it just wasn't enough for me, I guess.
The test of the Seven Wonders did give the season finale a useful structure, however -- and at least one killer line. Madison admitting her personal hell was playing Leisl in a televised version of "The Sound of Music" (burn, NBC!) was exactly the kind of loopy one-liner the episode needed, if you ask me. Myrtle, of course, killed me with her caviar and blini Last Supper. Oh, Myrtle, we'll miss you and your theramin so.
While Myrtle deserved an epic send-off, seeing her burned at the stake a second time felt a little stale -- even if she did choose to scream "BALENCIAGA!" for her last word. It was a mixed bag (ha, ha) for final farewells overall, though, so at least Myrtle got in her favorite brand. Maybe they'll keep her ashes in a classic metallic edge shoulder bag?
I hated to see Misty in an eternal bio class loop, but it made sense that she'd find it impossible to break away from something as traumatic to her as killing a living creature. Madison's exit was more deserved, of course, as Kyle decided to even the score when Miss Thing refused to resurrect Zoe after that unfortunate fence spiking incident. Leave it to Zoe to die in a truly stupid way -- during a game of tag, when everyone was just trying to have fun. Way to bring down the room, Zoe.
Of course, she's only dead for a minute until Delia revives her. Madison is quite a bit more dead, or at least I'm assuming she is because everyone comes back always this season. But even if Spaulding hadn't shown up to start planning to "bury" her body (or, you know, dress it up like a doll until it smells bad), no one was going to be in a rush to bring her ass back.
After the way Madison stormed around in an epic pout, unable to pass the test of divination (how apt), it was no surprise someone killed her. Ironically, her threat to tell TMZ about the little witches' school probably gave Delia her brilliant idea to drag the coven out of the shadows so every depressed, teenage goth chick in America could send in an application. Hey, more fun than college! Did anyone else notice Kyle Secor (Bayliss!) conducting the interview with Delia? I'm hoping that means he'll be back for a bigger role on the show next season.
Speaking of which, next season will be Jessica Lange's last, and I hope that means she gets a better role than she did this year. While we thought Fiona was dead, guess what? She wasn't, because why on earth would "AHS" have a season finale without Lange? Of course, I could also wonder why they'd cast an epic talent like Patti LuPone just to let her nibble on some scenery then kill her twice, but bygones.
Fiona tricked the Ax Man into believing he killed her, knowing full well he'd go on a futile rampage afterward and get himself killed. The joke, of course, is on her. After her tearful last gasp in Delia's arms (during which I kept waiting for her to make one last grab for the knife), she wakes up in what she sees as her own personal hell, cursed to live forever with the Ax Man out in the sticks in a house with KNOTTED WOOD PANELING! The horror!
Even as Papa Legba cackles at the poor thing, Fiona's hell seems kind of like rustic B&B to me, and it's definitely not hell to the Ax Man. Not really sure why the guy who's chopped up a ton of innocent women gets a happy ending (so to speak) while Fiona's evil is more deserving of an eternity of misery (at least, misery by her definition). I guess he served his stint in hell the first time he died, mooning over Fiona through the floorboards, or maybe it was just considered more fun to watch Fiona bump into walls and shriek about the dead fish smell of the place. Either way, they both get off pretty easy compared to Madame LaLaurie and Marie's torturepalooza of an afterlife.
Still, Fiona's ending lacks the bitter crackle of justice I expected, and worse, she goes soft at the end. I certainly didn't want Fiona to kill Delia, but given the theme of ugly, mean-girl competition that rippled through the season, it would have been more apropos than the joyful girl bonding of this episode. Delia's ascension felt more like a flip-flop than a hard-won triumph of good over evil.
I guess all's well that ends well, even if the season was pretty uneven and didn't quite manage to deliver the feels or the wows I'd hoped. But man, it would have been something to get a Fleetwood Mac Supreme (available soon on the Extra Value Menu at McDonald's), wouldn't it?
What did you think of the finale? Did you think Delia would become the Supreme? How did you feel about Fiona's afterlife?