"American Horror Story"

Credit: FX

Preparing to watch "American Horror Story," I braced myself for another round of bleak, bad news. I mean, the middle name of this show is horror, for crying out loud. There's no room for happy endings, or upbeat twists, or feel good resolutions in this cruel genre. Okay, in most horror movies someone survives after running for his or her life and cleverly outsmarting the bad guy and possibly choking said bad guy to death with chicken wire or inch-thick rope, but he or she is usually horribly scarred and needs a great deal of therapy and looks like he or she is going to cry as the credits roll. So, not exactly the stuff of Hallmark movies. 

 Ricky Gervais

Credit: AP Photo

"The Office" mastermind Ricky Gervais came to press tour to talk to journalists about "Derek," his new "bittersweet comedy drama" for NetFlix. The show is a mockumentary following the misfit Derek as he works at an underfunded senior living facility. Fans of the more acid "The Office" and "Extras" may be taken aback by the poignancy of the new show, a shift the star noted. "There's some more dramatic moments than 'The Office' or 'Extras,' maybe, and probably more, it's sweeter… [it] still has the existentialism of 'The Office,' but here it's not about being 30 [years old], it's about being 80 and 90, and the residents are 80 and 90 and are in homes themselves, so it has that reality. It's very funny, it is a sitcom, and a lot of it is plotted and character-led, but it's set in an old people's home, so they die sometimes."

 "Ben and Kate"

Credit: Fox

FOX pulled together some of their sitcom line-up's top talent --- Ike Barinholtz, Mindy Kaling, Jake Johnson, Zooey Deschanel, Nat Faxon, Echo Kellum, Lucas Neff and Shannon Woodward -- to talk about their shows ("The Mindy Project," "New Girl," "Ben and Kate," "Raising Hope") with a possibly punchy group of journalists at press tour. The results, while not sitcom-worthy, were often amusing and, less frequently, informative. 

Things started off slowly. When questions were slow to start, Deschanel ("New Girl") started pointing to people in the audience. "Am I supposed to call on people?" she asked. 

 Lily Rabe in "American Horror Story"

Credit: FX

Poor Sister Mary Eunice. The unluckiest nun (and that's saying something) of "American Horror Story" met an unhappy plot twist last week, which could be said of almost any plot twist on this FX show. Spoiler alert -- if you haven't caught up on the episodes in your DVR, stop reading now. 

 "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"

Credit: Bravo

Tonight's two-hour extravaganza can be seen one of two ways -- one hour of "RHoBH" pasted onto an hour of the new show about Lisa's restaurant Sur, "Vanderpump Rules," or… well, there is no other way to see this, really. Whether or not you watched the whole thing has a lot to do with your tolerance for bitchy waitresses. Seriously, the only 

Ah, remember Faye Resnick tearing into Brandi like a delicious rump roast last week? Well, there's still a little blood left in the body, so we return to the scene of the crime to lick up the last drops. As Brandi's eyes well up, Faye Resnick viciously attacks her for viciously attacking Adrienne. When Brandi flees the party weeping, Faye doesn't blink, possibly because she can't from all the bad plastic surgery. "I don't feel bad about what I said. But I might send her flowers," Faye snipes as she nervously rearranges the silverware.

 "The Real Housewives of Atlanta"

Credit: Bravo

Sigh. Not a lot happens in this episode of "The Real Housewives of Atlanta," as NeNe is about to take off to Los Angeles and everyone else is busy standing in their kitchens, talking about not a hella lot. 

We do learn that NeNe is a "glam-mother" and her son Bryson made a kid with some chick. The really interesting thing here is that the kid is named Bri'asia. They made that up, right? Anyway, the kid is cute. NeNe is disappointed that her son is a dad at the same age she first became a mom, but mostly seems fine with it. Plus, this gives her a chance to shop for teensy designer clothes. She and Cynthia go out in search of extremely expensive clothes that will be covered in spit-up and outgrown in about a month and ponder where they can get baby Louboutins. I think they're joking, but I'm not sure. 

 "Downton Abbey"

Credit: PBS

So, if you've managed to avoid the "Downton Abbey" spoilers being tossed at you like exploding crumpets in a very refined video game, then this almost two-hour premiere was a welcome return to the hallowed halls of the grand estate. The good news? The soapiness of season two seems to have been (judging from this episode) set aside, and the plot seems character driven as opposed to being the fever dream of a crazed "Dallas" fan. Huzzah (clink glasses discreetly with second knife to your left)! 

Before we get started, I solemnly vow to you "Downton Abbey" fans -- no spoilers. Yes, these are recaps, so by their very nature they spoil the episode if you haven't seen it, but even as I watch ahead of air dates, I won't spill. Why not? Because this season has been halfway ruined for me by two spoilers I ran across, and I know how disappointed I am to know what's ahead -- and I won't do the same to you. 

So much happened in this opening episode, I'll just break it down by story lines. You can also read Alan's review (again, no spoilers) here. 

"Deception"

Credit: NBC

While "Deception" (premiering Jan. 7 at 10:00 p.m.) may seem molded in the vein of ABC's soapy, mystery-fueled breakout hit, "Revenge," don't tell executive producers Liz Heldens and Gail Berman. Was she inspired by the rival network's "Revenge"? Um, no. "Two of my favorite movies are 'Donnie Brasco' and 'Sabrina'" Heldens said during a press tour panel, adding that her new show is as if those two films "had a baby." 

"All-Star Celebrity Apprentice"

Credit: NBC

"All-Star Celebrity Apprentice" doesn't return to NBC until Sun. March 3 at 9:00 p.m., but that didn't stop a few dedicated stars from showing up at a press tour breakfast. Marilu Henner, Trace Adkins, Stephen Baldwin, Omarosa, Gary Busey, Lil Jon and Lisa Rinna told gathered reporters about why they returned, who fought with who (short answer: everyone with everyone) and plugged their charities for good measure while throwing in some jabs at one another.