Nicholas Sparks must be stopped: 7 laughable cliches in 'The Longest Ride' trailer
Just when you thought there couldn't possibly be any more Nicholas Sparks books left to adapt, lo and behold! Here's the trailer for another one. And what do you know, it looks exactly like every other Nicholas Sparks movie!
God, this trailer is horrible. And effective, in its way. Let's not forget: most of these films make money, and they do it by following a very specific, very dull formula. Here, then, are seven key ingredients to that flavorless stew, as represented in "The Longest Ride's" insufferably predictable first look.
1. Two conventionally attractive white people fall in love.
Are you compelled by this couple? Well congratulations, you're an empty shell of a human being.
2. Two RADICALLY different worlds collide
He's a RODEO RIDER and she's a GENERIC WHITE COLLAR WORKER. Gasp! This romance is destined to end in tragedy. Nope, it can never be, I'm sorry.
3. Idyllic country setting
Dullest state in the union? North Carolina.
4. Grizzled old man character
Welcome to Alan Alda's rock bottom.
5. Old-timey romance
Nothing says "generic 1940s Coke ad" like a Nicholas Sparks WWII flashback.
6. Sexy-but-not-too-sexy love scenes
Your grandmother will be titillated by that belly button close-up.
7. A looming tragedy
Let me guess: there's going to be a rodeo accident.
"The Longest Ride" hits theaters on April 10. My fucking birthday.