It's here, breathless Earth-dwellers: the new trailer for "Fifty Shades of Grey."

Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson get down to some singular-looking business in the latest spot for Universal's E.L. James adaptation, which the studio smartly unveiled during tonight's episode of "Scandal."

"I exercise control in all things," says Christian. Cue heavy sighs. Cue Beyonce. Cue restraints!

Look, I haven't read the book. But this trailer isn't exactly...what's the word, promising? First of all, is Christian Grey supposed to be from Northern Ireland, or is that actually Dornan's attempt at an American accent? Second of all, kill me with this terrible dialogue. Third, why so serious? Seems like they aren't having fun with this at all, and that's a pretty deadly approach for material that's essentially pulp.

Lest we forget: this thing started out as "Twilight" fan fiction.

But I digress, here's the trailer. Gasp pleasurably away - no one will judge you.

"Fifty Shades of Grey" hits theaters on February 13.

A former contributor to sites including MTV's The Backlot and Bloody-Disgusting, Chris Eggertsen worked in film development before indulging his love of pop culture writing full time. He specializes in horror, the intersection of social issues and entertainment and Howard Stern. He's on Twitter @HitFixChris.