SAN DIEGO - Word to the wise: if you believe that blatantly lying to a celebrity will result in them giving you cash, do it. Especially if that celebrity is Zach Galifianakis.
"Will you take a check?" the incredibly wealthy comedian asked me, his crystal-blue eyes sparkling like two rare and precious gems as his hand hovered blissfully close to the gaping black maw of his open wallet. I told him I preferred cash - at which point he removed a crisp $20 bill and extended it in my direction. I took it greedily, clutching it in my sweaty palm like a dog would, if dogs had hands.
Am I proud that to get that $20 I had to lie and tell Galifianakis I was losing my job? No, because I could've gotten more. You see, he'd just given the reporter standing next to me $100, which is five times as much money. Five times. I'll bet that guy doesn't even have a wife and a kid.
Ok, so let me back up for a second. I had just opportunistically ridden the coattails of a joke originally floated by Will Ferrell - did I mention I was interviewing he and Galifianakis on the Comic-Con press line for their upcoming comedy "The Campaign"? - that had quickly blossomed into something absurdly beautiful and potentially lucrative.
"I'm so sorry about AMC Theaters by the way," said Ferrell to the reporter next to me, who as we've already established is an even bigger fraud than I am.
"What happened?" asked Galifianakis.
Answered Ferrell, falsely: "It just went out of business."
"This is my last day," said the reporter, his moist palm gripped hungrily around an AMC Theatres microphone.
Ferrell: "Yeah, it got shut down. They're getting shuttered."
[Galifianakis hands the AMC reporter a wad of cash.]
"I've got a kid too," the man continued, intent on taking every last bit of paper in that wallet while leaving none for the rest of us.
"That's for your child," said Galifianakis, handing him another bill. "You got a wife?"
"Yes," he answered. "She has expensive tastes."
More cash comes out. At this point I'm panicking, afraid there won't be anything left once the rascal is through with the poor fool. After another moment, the desperate words finally come, leaving my lips before I even realize that I've said them: "I'm losing my job too."
And I'm not. I'm not losing my job. And I am a liar. But I also have $20.
Interested in finding out who the "Effeminate Racist" is? Curious to know Ferrell's thoughts on today's political landscape? Watch the full interview above to find out!
"The Campaign" is slated for release on August 10.
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