Lady Gaga is performing at the Oscars. And we don't know why.

This is the kind of mystery that enthralls homosexual detectives the world over. What could Stefani Germanotta be doing at the most refined event on the planet? She's confirmed she'll be giving a "special performance" at this year's Academy Awards, and that means she has a pretty big opportunity to give a memorable performance. Here are five ways she could thrill us during Neil Patrick Harris' big show.

1. An actual "In Memoriam" to remember

Face it: Anytime Lady Gaga puts the focus squarely on her voice, that quavering, haunted, kooky, damn-near flawless musical instrument, she instantly reminds everyone how distinct a talent she is. The "In Memoriam" segment of the Oscars strikes me as a staid venue for her bravado, for but she could nonetheless rile us with a performance of Charlie Chaplin's "Smile" that would be more bad-ass than most. 

2. A sinister medley of "Sooner or Later" and "You Must Love Me"

Look. Some of us could revel in the pop culture feuds of 2011 forever. Lady Gaga and Madonna are still routinely compared, so why not execute "a tribute to movie musicals" (a favorite pastime of the Oscars) by performing, y'know, the two Madonna-sung movie songs that won Academy Awards? Gaga could begin by luxuriating on a piano for the "Dick Tracy" jam and conclude at the piano for the "Evita" song. I'm hyperventilating now and need this.

3. Just let her perform "Everything is Awesome" already.

As if this woman doesn't have a Lego suit waiting to be donned. 

4. A tribute to Jean Hersholt recipient Harry Belafonte

Lady Gaga loves experimenting with different musical styles, and -- judging by her recent work with Tony Bennett -- she certainly loves conjuring a retro vibe. Since calypso king Harry Belafonte is winning the Jean Hersholt humanitarian Oscar this year, could we be in for a raucous, libidinous retelling of "The Banana Boat Song"? I don't hate it, and neither should you.

5. A musical tribute to Robin Williams

I think this is the best guess as to what Lady Gaga will be doing at the Oscars. Robin Williams was involved in a number of movies with famous musical moments; "Aladdin" alone, featuring the Oscar-winning "A Whole New World," would be worthy enough of Gaga's involvement. Hell, if she recreated Williams' Oscar performance of "Blame Canada," I wouldn't be mad. And neither would Canada, if they knew what was good for them.