12 Movies of the ’90s That Should Never Be Remade
The Internet let loose a collective groan when the "Point Break" remake (in theaters Dec. 25) was announced, and most recently "Break" star Lori Petty let it be known she was not pleased. "That's some stupid s--t right there," she told the Hollywood Reporter. "I think it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Given that the original was directed by "The Hurt Locker" director Kathryn Bigelow, Petty probably has a point that the cult hit wasn't a hunk of junk that needed refurbishing.
But "Point Break" isn't the only ’90s movie that's being passed through the remake meat grinder. A new "Soap Dish" (1991) is in the works at Paramount (which is especially weird, given the shrinking audience for actual soaps),"Cliffhanger" (1993) is set for a redo sans Stallone and "House Party" (1990) has been picked up by director Brett Ratner. Clearly, Hollywood feels the movies of the '90s are so musty and outdated they're ripe for the picking. Here are the movies we're warning them to back away from slowly. Vultures.
"Fight Club" (1999)Photo Credit: Fox 2000
What it Is: Awesome, that's what. And the first rule of fight club is you do not talk about fight club, so shut up.
Memorable Dialogue: "Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else."
Why We Don't Want A Remake: Given that this movie spits in the face of purposeless consumerism and a remake would only be a money grab (as the original is dandy just the way it is and stands out as some of director David Fincher's best work), to give this a second go would just be depressing.
"American Beauty" (1999)Photo Credit: DreamWorks SKG
What It Is: A guy has one hell of a midlife crisis. There is also a plastic bag.
Memorable Dialogue: "Remember those posters that said, 'Today is the first day of the rest of your life'? Well, that's true of every day but one -- the day you die."
Why We Don't Want A Remake: Looking back at "American Beauty," it's hard to see what all the fuss was about. While Lester (Kevin Spacey) seemed like a shockingly bitter and complex main character at the time, we've since had a lot of messed-up antiheroes on TV and film to wow us. Plus, the Colonel Fitts storyline does not age well. And there is no way to watch that plastic bag scene without groaning -- then or now.
"Forrest Gump" (1994)Photo Credit: Paramount Pictures
What it Is: A Boomer travelogue of greatest hits (JFK! Vietnam! AIDS!) with a naive tour guide by the name of Forrest Gump leading the way.
Memorable Dialogue: "My momma always said, 'Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.'"
Why We Don't Want A Remake: If you love "Forrest Gump," you probably don't want anyone to touch it. Whatever you think of the movie, Tom Hanks brought a mix of innocence and dignity to a character who most of us would pat on the shoulder before changing to another seat on the bus(no offense, but Forrest talks a lot). But if you hated "Forrest Gump" (see HitFix's take on why the movie totally sucks), you simply can't stand another round of people gushing over how the story of a guy who wandered through the biggest moments of the 20th century is the greatest movie ever made.
"The Big Lebowski" (1998)Photo Credit: Gramercy Pictures
What it Is: Mistaken identity leads to thugs peeing on The Dude's rug and bowling and hijinks.
Memorable Dialogue: "That rug really tied the room together."
Why We Don't Want A Remake: Remaking Joel and Ethan Coen movies seems like a bad idea unless the people remaking the movie are Joel and Ethan Coen. Also, there will never be another Dude than Jeff Bridges. Period.
"Dazed and Confused" (1993)Photo Credit: Grammercy Pictures
What it Is: It's the last day of high school and everyone wants to get stoned and/or laid, more or less
Memorable Dialogue: "All right, all right, all right." This is also the memorable dialogue for Matthew McConaughey's entire life.
Why We Don't Want A Remake: The further we get away from the '70s, the more ridiculous those clothes look.
"Goodfellas" (1990)Photo Credit: Warner Bros.
What it Is: One of the best mob movies ever, but if you want to be technical about it, it's the true story of mobster-turned-snitch Henry Hill.
Memorable Dialogue: "As far back as I could remember, I've always wanted to be a gangster."
Why We Don't Want A Remake: Scorcese got it right the first time, plus look at that cast! De Niro, Pesci, Liotta in their prime. There's no way to improve on this smart, funny and gritty mob movie, so fuggedaboutit.
"L.A. Confidential" (1997)Photo Credit: Warner Bros.
What it Is: 1950s film noir with a dost of '90s grit.
Memorable Dialogue: "Some men get the world. Others get ex-hookers and a trip to Arizona."
Why We Don't Want A Remake: Because whyyyyyy? Again, the film perfectly captures the period, this isn't a story that benefits from 3-D or CGI gloss,and it's pretty wonderful just as it is. Let's not screw it up.
"The Shawshank Redemption" (1994)Photo Credit: Columbia Pictures
What it Is: "Prison Break" set in the 1940s.Okay, not really, but it is a prison bromance that has long passages of Morgan Freeman saying deep things.
Memorable Dialogue: "Let me tell you something, my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."
Why We Don't Want A Remake: It's set in the 1940s and was made in the '90s. What exactly would a remake bring to the table? Robots?
"Schindler's List" (1993)Photo Credit: Universal Pictures
What it Is: During WWII, a businessman in Poland uses his factory as a refuge for Jews to avoid Nazi concentration camps.
Memorable Dialogue: "Power is when we have every justification to kill, and we don't."
Why We Don't Want A Remake: Steven Spielberg might have been the only director powerful enough to get a studio picture about the Holocaust (not just WWII, mind you) made in black-and-white in the '90s. That the finished product was moving and not simply depressing is an impressive feat. Though Steven Soderbergh got an admittedly meh black-and-white WWII movie made in 2007 ("The Good German"), let's not downplay how unlikely it is for this to become a trend. And we do not want a colorized (well, colorized more than the little red coat) "Schindler's List."
"The Green Mile" (1999)Photo Credit: Warner Bros.
What it Is: Black Jesus on Death Row is unjustly convicted and has to make Tom Hanks feel better about sending him to the electric chair. There's also a mouse.
Memorable Dialogue: "On the day of my judgment, when I stand before God, and He asks me why did I kill one of his true miracles, what am I gonna say? That it was my job? My job?"
Why We Don't Want A Remake: Stephen King has said this film is his favorite adaptation of his work, and he wrote the novel "The Shining," so maybe on the occasions when Hollywood gets his stuff right they should just step back. Also, this was a really long movie. Really long.
"Saving Private Ryan" (1998)Photo Credit: Paramount Pictures
What it Is: A bunch of soldiers have to retrieve a guy because his three brothers have already been killed and even the Army doesn't want that on their conscience.
Memorable Dialogue: "FUBAR."
Why We Don't Want A Remake: Because we still have nightmares about that gruesome D-Day scene and we can't watch it again -- and without it, this movie is not half as effective.
"Titanic" (1997)Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox
What it Is: A drippy and doomed love story that also involves some nude sketching, a shiny necklace and drowning.
Memorable Dialogue: "I'm king of the world!"
Why We Don't Want A Remake: Isn't the point of a remake (at least in theory) to update a film that hasn't aged well and needs a fresh coat of paint? "Titanic" is not in that category. It's a period film that, by any standard, has excellent CGI and special effects that would hardly benefit from a makeover. Plus, no one wants "I'm king of the world!" to become a catch phrase again. Gah.