11 Things Arnold Schwarzenegger Will Do As the New 'Celebrity Apprentice' Boss
So, even with Donald Trump kicked to the curb by NBC following some caustic comments about, well, everything, the network wasn't about to turn its back on a franchise that had just gotten so much free publicity. To that end, they found a replacement for the Presidential candidate – Arnold "I'll Be Back" Schwarzenegger. Apparently the thinking was that, given that Schwarzenegger never said anything insulting about women... wait, um, not so much. Google "sexist Schwarzenegger quotes" and seriously, Trump starts looking not-so-awful. What, casting a woman as top dog on this show was such a stretch? No, Joan Rivers wasn't available, but still.
Anyway, let's try again. Given that Schwarzenegger hasn't said anything insulting about women this week (at least not that we know of), he's a (moderately) safe bet. Here are ten things we're betting (hoping, dreading, your pick) Ahhh-nold might do once he takes control of the boardroom.
1) He picks a "Terminator"-themed catch phrasePhoto Credit: 20th Century Fox
Note: Rumor already has it he's replacing Trump's "You're fired" with "You're terminated." Get it? Get it? We were hoping for "Hasta la vista, baby," or "Get to the choppa!" but oh, well.
2) He'll remind us which Trumps really annoyed us (not Ivanka)Photo Credit: Derek Storm/Splash News
Here's hoping Schwarzenegger will provide the winner of each week's challenge with a check for charity plus a chance to slap the smug expression off the Trump son of his or her choice – Eric or Donald Jr. Have you ever seen two more vacant, glassy-eyed, Gordon Gekko-wannabes? Like you wouldn't want in on that action.
3) He will offer tank ridesPhoto Credit: You Tube
Just picture it -- the winner will not only be named the Celebrity Apprentice, but he or she will also get a ride in Schwarzenegger's tank. Really. That could absolutely happen. The guy owns a tank. Because of course he does.
4) There will be a flexing challengePhoto Credit: Comuv.com
Maybe a chest muscle flex-off, or a bicep curl-off or something, because he used to look like this. Suck it, Crossfitters.
5) He will not put up with any celebrity nonsensePhoto Credit: The O.C. Register
If he's unhappy with any of the contestants, Schwarzenegger will demand a recall and put it to a vote at great taxpayer expense. Kidding! That one's just for Californians.
6) He'll get under the contestants' skinPhoto Credit: Universal Pictures
To make sure image-conscious celebrity contestants are sufficiently irritable and ready to hurl insults at one another as soon as cameras roll, he will swap out the boardroom conference table for the "Kindergarten Cop" set.
7) He'll expect everyone to carry their own video cameraPhoto Credit: Columbia TriStar Pictures
Because this franchise has gotten so creaky, let's hope Schwarzenegger's addition to the show inspires some creative ideas and updating. If those crazy people on "Naked and Afraid" can carry their own video cameras while wearing nothing but leaves and dirt, why can't a bunch of spoiled celebrities go a little further? Nasal GoPro video, anyone?
8) He'll invite his friends over to playPhoto Credit: Universal Pictures
We can only hope Schwarzenegger recruits Danny DeVito to be a guest in the boardroom, because he might bring Limoncello. That could result in great merriment, or maybe just vomiting. That stuff is sweet, yo.
9) He ain't gonna mollycoddle those C-listersPhoto Credit: Columbia TriStar Pictures
Instead of following Trump's lead by dumping a bunch of celebrities into a cramped conference room for hours on end while gently prodding them to throw one another under the bus, here's hoping Schwarzenegger just goes for painful interrogation techniques.
10) There will be hula hoopingPhoto Credit: Universal Pictures
Celebrities will be pitted against small children in marathon hula hooping competitions. Okay, not a shot in hell, but cute kids get ratings, NBC!
11) He will be so much coolerPhoto Credit: FayesVision/WENN
He will totally wear sunglasses in the boardroom, and he won't even look that stupid doing it. He could lose the man jewelry, though. I mean, he isn't Gene Simmons. But still, for hair that does not in any way resemble a guinea pig, he's down for the win.