Last week Ichabod and Abbie scored one for the good guys by ending a centuries old family curse and saving a little girl. Meanwhile, Hawley — aka Southern Gentleman Aquaman — scored one for pragmatism by running away from danger because self-preservation is an extremely underutilized skill.

But with Mills and Crane feeling good about “getting the hang” of this Witness thing, what inevitably terrible fate awaits them this week with “The Weeping Lady”?


Oh wow. The seamstress from the Revolutionary War reenactment the other week wasn’t a throw away character! She returns and is given a name. Caroline. Miss Caroline has been busy replenishing Ichabod’s wardrobe of period appropriate clothing. And churning him butter. And making him jam. And oh dear, I think Caroline is hoping Crane with churn HER butter. Because commitment to Colonial ways is apparently an aphrodisiac. Either that or it’s just his accent.
Despite looking like a budget Katrina, Ichabod demures by saying he is married. Through a series of comical misunderstandings involving Abbie picking that exact moment to return with takeout, Caroline is under the impression Abbie is Mrs. Crane. 

I mean, it’s a logical conclusion. Ichabbie shippers everywhere rejoice at the nod, despite Crane adamantly saying Mills is his partner but not his LIFE partner. Miss Caroline is suffering from deafness brought on my acute embarrassment though and doesn’t hear, quickly escaping while making apologies to “Mrs. Crane.”

Speak of the devil, we cut over to the real Mrs. Crane who is finally getting her witchy ways on. Yeah, girl! You mix that potion. You murmur that spell. You…write that love letter? Okay, I guess she’s still hanging around to “spy” on War and Death. But she sends a raven off to find Ichabod and deliver a message. Abraham almost catches her, but she distracts him with her winning personality and new clothes.

Seriously, does no one in Sleepy Hollow wonder why the demand for period accurate Revolutionary clothing is through the roof?

Headless warns Katrina that he wants her to join him willingly, but he’s not gonna wait for permission forever…so yep, the Horseman of Death is still a douchebag. Abraham then goes to have a Skype call…I mean a mirror conversation…with War to bitch about Katrina getting around the anti-magic wards. Well at least that explains why she hasn’t burned everything to ash by now. Henry offers to help and Headless basically tells him to go back and play with his tiny town and leave the corruption of Katrina to him.

Henry is not amused. DISSENSION IN THE RANKS!

War isn’t about to let that prissy alpha male tell him what he can and can’t do, so he dives into Katrina’s personal effects to find something on which a sin might reside. Upon discovering her copy of “Gulliver’s Travels,” Henry smiles…and not in the nice way.

Meanwhile, random teens are making out in a secluded spot, so obviously they are about to die. Especially since they’re talking about whether or not to have sex. But suddenly, a ghostly witch slams into their windshield, inadvertently saving them. Everyone knows the horror monster can’t kill you until AFTER you’ve started banging, so really that ghost is a hero.

Across town, Abbie is trying to convince Ichabod that it’s totally socially acceptable to send Caroline an apology via phone or text, but his sense of propriety will not stand for it. He’s going to apologize for the mix-up in person. Right now. After dark when most people are probably in their pajamas and not expecting sudden company.

But Miss Caroline is not a normal person and is happy to see her unrequited crush on her doorstep instead of mortified. Crane says he hopes they can remain friends since he has so very few…and even less who share his affinity for 18th century American history. Caroline — in an astonishing feat — accepts this elaborate “It’s not you, it’s me” apology and agrees. 

So of course she is now slated for death. In the darkness of her house, Caroline senses something is amiss. I also sense something is amiss. How the hell does a twenty-something own a house this big? Oh wait, dark water and creepy crying and a silhouette sitting in a rocking chair. Girl, you about to die.

The sad ghost lady goes feral and Caroline shrieks. Well, good luck to the realtor saddled with selling this house now.

Sometime the next morning, Abbie is identifying Caroline’s dead body on the riverbank. Crane is flipping out because they won’t let him cross the police line until Mills clears him. How many cops does Sleepy Hollow have that there are still officers who don’t know Crane is ALWAYS going to be cleared to cross when Abbie is involved?

No one can figure out what happened to Caroline. Her car was still at her house and there’s no sign of a struggle. “Who would do this?” asks Ichabod Crane, apparently in all seriousness. Oh I don’t know, genius. It’s not like you have a list of arch-enemies as long as your arm. Abbie knows the best way to stave off grief is to be useful, so she suggests they look up-river. Perhaps Caroline washed down shore and clues will be found elsewhere.

Approximately twenty seconds later, Ichabod finds Caroline’s coffee mug from the night before in the sand. Nearby there are car skid marks but no footprints. So probably those lucky non-dead teenagers. Is Abbie not going to point out that Ichabod probably shouldn’t put his fingerprints all over the possession of a murder victim? No? Oh, okay.

Have fun in prison, Crane.

Being genre savvy, Abbie figures it was definitely teenagers because this a popular place to make-out. Ichabod is delightfully naive about what happens at a modern day “lover’s lane” and it’s adorable. But he’s not so naive as to not appreciate the “spirit” of the local high school cheerleading squad when they go to question the Queen Bees about who was necking under the bridge last night.

Our hapless teen lovers confess they hauled ass out of there after the Weeping Lady cracked the windshield and a short drive later Abbie is pulling up information on a local legend at the library. The Weeping Lady is a standard soggy ghost: dripping wet, glowing green eyes, always crying, probably a restless spirit who died due to and/or at the hands of her unfaithful lover. But to be sure, Mills and Crane need the source material. It is really hard to make “searching the Dewey Decimal System” action-packed, so the show compensates in three ways:

One, Katrina’s messenger bird finds Ichabod. She lets him know she is well, if annoyed at her limited witchery due to the wards.

Two, and most appreciated, a wild Southern Gentleman Aquaman appears! Hawley runs into Abbie and confesses he’s researching apocalypse stuff because forewarned is forearmed in his — correct — opinion. Abbie tries to give him shit about running away from the last demon and Hawley is like “It was a demon!” Turns out you don’t have to be a believer of the occult to sell it. “Do all people who sell Christmas tress believe in Santa Claus?” asks Hawley, modern day philosopher. He also offers to help free of charge next time Abbie needs it, which is probably the biggest sign of respect SGA is capable of giving.

Three, the Weeping Woman is also visiting the library. But she’s not here to check out a book on how to deal with grief. She’s here to murder Abbie, who of course takes the bait. Sure, Abbie unholsters her gun but LIKE THAT’S GONNA DO ANY GOOD. The Weeping Lady makes her play and lo and behold, bullets do nothing.

Mom. Wife. Geek. Gamer. Feminist. Writer. Sarcastic. Succinct. Donna has been writing snark for the Internet in one form or another for almost a decade. She has a lot of opinions, mostly on science-fiction, fantasy, feminism, and Sailor Moon. Follow her on Twitter (@MildlyAmused) for more of all these things.