When we last left Claire, she was in the care of men who think entrapping would-be assassins and giving them access to your health care is a fine idea. It’s basically the world’s slowest game of Russian Roulette. I dub thee the Scottish Gambit!

And now I keep thinking about if Marvel’s Gambit had an 18th-century Scottish twin and…I need a moment.

….

Okay! Let’s see what shenanigans the gang is up to this week in “The Way Out.”

**********************

We open on Platform 9¾ as Frank is about to ship Claire off to Hogwarts for another year. Wait, no. Frank is shipping Claire off the front lines and he is not happy about it. Not that it matters because what enemy could even shoot straight while looking at Mrs. Randall is her stunning army uniform? Seriously, when is military chic coming back into fashion, Ms. Wintour?

But fashionable attire as armor aside, Frank is worried about Claire’s safety and jokes at the irony of this role reversal. The loving husband sending his wife off to war. He balances self-effacing jokes to his masculinity with legit fear and wow this show is doing a terrible job of making me hate Frank. As Claire swears to him she will return to him no matter what — FORESHADOWING — and disappears into the misty night, I am still solidly #TeamFrank.

Cut to Claire finally getting bath! It’s like they read my mind, you guys. Of course, standing in a basin while an elderly lady comments on the smoothness of your skin (creepy yet historically accurate) and douses you in ice cold water is not exactly the luxurious unwinding one hopes for when they hear the word ‘bath.’ But boiling enough water to fill a metal tub, then dragging said tub into the room, then moving all the furniture to make it fit, then bathing, then dumping it out and cleaning up would be such an arduous, sweaty task you’d need a bath from the act of taking a bath. So a brisk bit of cold water in a cold room it is! “Bloody hell” indeed, Claire.

However, the water seems to have washed away Claire’s common sense as well. While being dressed and having her hair brushed, she decides now is a good time to sound like a crazy person. If you’ve been wondering if the speech from the commercials was real— where Claire declares she fell through time and gives the audience a primer on her situation — this is the scene it came from. I appreciate the visual of having Claire wet and physically vulnerable during this emotionally vulnerable proclamation but girl, no.

Mts. Fitz does her best impression of trying to keep a straight face while internally screaming, but the waves of “This bitch is crazy” is radiating from her too wide eyes…and we’ve lost her. Mts. Fitz is convinced Claire is a witch, which RUDE. Clearly she’s just mentally unbalanced and/or has the worst cover story in the history of English spies.

HAHAHA JUST KIDDING. It was all a dream. Claire just pulled a “Who shot JR?” on us. My faith in her common sense is restored. 

But wait, what was Mrs. Fitz saying while Claire daydreamed about being burned on the pyre? Another gathering? With ALL the MacKenzie clan? It’s a Scottish Santa Smorgasbord! Hopefully they all wear their best mullet kilts.

Before we can go to Santa Valhalla though, Claire has to become the best damn medicine women since Dr. Quinn...or is Dr. Quinn the best damn medicine woman since Claire Beecham? Damn you time travel!

Most of what the previous healer was using was gross and unsanitary. Things like powdered human skull and the world’s grossest Surprise Can. You know, like when you open a can labeled ‘nuts’ and fake snakes pop out? Imagine that, only the can says “AOWIHJEOIF” (Gaelic probably) and out pops millipedes. The 18th century is awful…just awful.

Claire powers through because what’s a handful of bugs when you’ve been elbow deep in a screaming infantryman? She sorts through the useful stuff from the garbage, all while her guard watches from the stairwell. Hey buddy, maybe be a little less creepy with the phallic handling of your knife while staring daggers into the lady’s back. Or get bored because she’s just helping heal the the injured and not doing any cool Spy Stuff™ and go get a drink. 

It’s so hard to find good guards these days. If Claire were really an English infiltrator, these drunks would be dead in their cups by now.

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