Welcome to the first live "Big Brother" episode of the season, all leading up to the season's first official elimination. Yes, Jodi was actually the first hamster to depart the spinning ball, but she never received a key to the "Big Brother" house, so do we actually count her as a houseguest? I sure don't.

So either Kurvy Kara or 21st Century William Katt Frank will be out first. On one hand, I like Kara's bikini potential. On the other hand, I was a huge fan of "The Greatest American Hero" as a kid, so I have vestigial admiration for Frank.

And, most importantly, will Julie Chen have her shoulders covered for the live episode? These are the things that keep me up nights...

Click through for the full recap...

9:00 p.m. ET. Shoulders! Well, that's one mystery solved.

9:02 p.m. Ooooh. Tempers are going to explode. All hell is going to break loose. And that's just in my living room.

9:03 p.m. It's already Day 13 in the "Big Brother" house. That's crazy. Of course, they were there alone for some of that time. We have, however, had a week of episodes and I still don't know most of these people by their real names.

9:04 p.m. We pick up in the aftermath of Shane's decision not to use the Veto. "I don't want new blood on my hands..." Shane says. He's hoping that Willie understands that he's on his side. "If you would turn on me, I'd vomit," Willie tells Frank, who he reassures should be safe, unless he does something stupid. But Willie figures he can manipulate everybody however he wants to. Team Amazon Barbie and Team Lilliputian Barbie meet to decide whose team they want to hamstring. Willie wants Kara out and he's convinced he's getting his way.

9:07 p.m. Amazon Barbie doesn't want to alienate Dan, so she goes to him and tells him that everybody else is stupid. "I'm starting to think that Janelle believes that the grass is greener over on Dan's side right now," Lilliputian Barbie says. Britney has noticed something: Each Coach has a keyhole next to their pictures on the board and she suspects that the Coaches may get to come into the game. She shares her worry with Wee Willie. Why would she do that? Have nobody seen the way The Hantz Family plays CBS reality shows? Don't over-share! Britney fears that if the Coaches enter the game, Janelle's going to bond with Dan. "I'm nobody's pawn in this game," a paranoid Willie says.

9:10 p.m. So much for secrecy. Willie decides to call a house meeting, with only the "real" players. The Coaches are stuck out in the backyard stewing. "If that was one of my players, I would have nixed that," Dave pouts.

9:11 p.m. "I think we're being put against each other by our coaches," Willie says. In that respect, he's not entirely wrong. "Don't allow y'all's Coach to play for y'all," Willie announce. And where the heck *is* Mike Boogie? The other Coaches realize that he may be behind the revolution. Instead, he's sleeping, as Willie spills Britney's secrets. "I have to be honest: I think you're too playing too fast," says The Cook Who Doesn't Like To Do Dishes. Wil With One L leaves the meeting and vows to take a 24-hour break. Can they do that?

9:16 p.m. I *can* get enough "Big Brother."

9:16 p.m. Frank's feeling less secure after Willie's meeting. As well he should. He was safe and then... Not so much. Britney comes scurrying in. Joe the Cook tells us that Willie's plan is to have the hamsters split the vote, so that the Coaches can't figure out who voted for whom. Frank, of course, doesn't want the votes split. He wants all the votes going against Kurvy Kara. Joe the Cook also doesn't like Willie's mockery of Wil. "I do not tolerate one frickin' ounce of anybody making fun of anybody," Wil declares. Suddenly Britney is squirmy, because she's stuck with a psychotic on her team. "You're screwed," Britney tells Willie, who gives an incredulous, "But moi? Everybody loves me and my entire extended family" look. "This is crazy news to me," Not-Russell says, vowing to get to the bottom of things.

9:21 p.m. Willie confronts Frank in the backyard. The shouting begins. The swearing begins. "I've gotta protect myself. This is my game, Willie," Frank declares. I haven't seen him this passionate since he first saw the dinosaur in "Baby." Willie calls Frank "a shady [bleep]" and Frank insists he's not "a shady [bleep]." It becomes a referendum on whether or not Willie will be able to eat his Fruit Loops. Britney is curling up into a ball like a turtle. This is a nightmare, a nightmare that Mike Boogie makes worse. Poor Britney.

9:26 p.m. This was one of the most volatile week in "Big Brother" history, Julie says, before checking in on the hamsters.

9:27 p.m. Why does JoJo  get first word? "Why you gotta axe me this one?" JoJo says when she's asked about the mood in the house. She calls it "Weird."  "I haven't been bored once," says Unmagical Harry Potter Ian. Wil calls the house, "Oh goodness." Ashley calls it, "Loosey-Goosey." Willie calls it "Crazy." "I didn't really want this position to begin with," Willie says of his reign. Julie asks Boogie whether it's harder to play the game or to be a Coach. Boogie says it's coaching. OK.

9:29 p.m. Case pleading! 21st Century William Katt tells everybody that he'll fight hard to protect them if they protect him. "Nobody should let a bully dictate how they play this game," Frank says, emphasizing that bullying isn't OK in the game or out. Kurvy Kara says... Something. 

9:30 p.m. Danielle votes to evict Frank. Shane votes to evict Frank. I guess we know which way Willie is bullying people. Joe votes to evict Kara. Ian votes to evict "The Lovely Kara."

9:36 p.m. It's still anybody's elimination! JoJo votes to evict Frank, because she's "closely aligned with Willie." Jenn votes to evict Kara, but she's sad about it. Wil votes to evict Kara. And that puts everything on Ashley. And I barely know who Ashley is. Her vote is to evict... Kara. That's it. Kurvy Kara is the first person voted out on this season of "Big Brother." I don't know if this is a direct repudiation of Wee Willie's Reign of Terror or not.

9:39 p.m. Kara's evicted. Dan is now down to a single player. There are obligatory hugs and sadness. And Danielle is all alone.

9:40 p.m. "Kara is too hot to be evicted" reads a thoughtful tweet provided by CBS. "I think part of it was that people were scared of Dan," Kara rationalizes. But mostly, she doesn't know why she's out of the game. She calls Dan a great coach. "I think I had the best coach possible minus the fact that I'm sitting here," she says, admitting that being quiet and shy may have cost her. 

9:42 p.m. Good-bye messages. Danielle is sad to lose her partner. Joe says, "You got the looks, but you ain't got the game." Joe's very loud and demonstrative. "I'm gonna miss those long legs. You make everyone feel welcome," says a slightly sleazy Shane. Dan takes some responsibility.

9:47 p.m. Last night, the houseguests were woken up by a "Big Brother" news announcement. There's a burglar on the loose in the house and the service promises constant updates. It's gonna be that HoH that requires hamsters to remember information conveyed to them during late-night sleep interruptions. 

9:49 p.m. The competition is called "Big Brother Break-In," but the name doesn't matter much. We know the game. The burglar did, indeed, steal a carpet tile. Nobody's eliminated. The burglar took three bites of food and Shane is eliminated. Wait. If the burglar was accused of taking two bites of food and he actually took three, why does that make him not guilty of the charge of taking two bites? "Big Brother," I question your understanding of jurisprudence. Somehow, it's down to Frank and Wil. Frank wins Head of Household. Does anybody else think 21st Century William Katt is going to run the table for the rest of this game?

9:56 p.m. "It feels great to go from the Hot Seat to the Guy Who's Gonna Be Upstairs," Frank gloats. "I'm super-elated," Mike Boogie declares.

9:57 p.m. Amazon Barbie says she feels like they played three weeks of "Big Brother" in the first week. 

9:57 p.m. News! This week, the stakes are rising. The Coach who wins the Coach's Competition will be able to either keep one of their players safe, or they can choose to trade one of their players for another player. I guess that's interesting.

 

Are you going to miss Kara? Do you care yet? And how screwed is Willie?