9:01 p.m. "Tonight, your alliance is in jeopardy," Julie Chen tells us as the episode begins. That seems unfair. The hamsters in the House aren't required to still be in an alliance in the first week. Why do I have to stick with Team America?
9:03 p.m. When we left off, Cody was talking about making a big move, but then not making one, Victoria's head was swelling to the size of a watermelon and causing her to pass out and Donny was better than Team America didn't make "Saving Donny" into their mission for the week. Good times. Donny and Nicole are sitting on the Block.
9:04 p.m. It sure seemed like Donny's elimination was inevitable when we left off, but it's time for some complications in the form of Donny's self-pity and the possibility that some people might inexplicably see Nicole as a threat. Derrick pops out from behind the bar, terrifies Nicole and then reassures her that she's safe, but he admits that he's hedging his bets and considering keeping Team America intact. Nicole and Christina are out sunning in their bikinis and talking about how much they love each other and want to hug. Christine's sure she's voting Donny out. This is exactly what Frankie doesn't want to be seeing, because he worries that he'd most likely be Nicole's first target.
9:10 p.m. Out tanning with Derrick -- The cop jokes they're a before/after commercial -- Frankie calls Nicole a "bitch" and says he wants her out. Derrick agrees, with Frankie thinking that America put Donny with them for a reason. I'll say this again: America voted on Team America two months ago. Try not to assume America still gives a darn. Frankie spreads his distaste for Nicole to Caleb.
9:12 p.m. America voted on Frankie's lame One Man Show. This is very confusing. Julie's going to ask them what food they want as Have-Nots. They have to answer "Apple Pie." If America liked the show, she'll say "Yes." If America wanted a better mission, she'll say "No." Why would America think what they did was success? They did something that required literally no effort. They said, "We're doing a show." And everybody else said, "Whatever," because they're sitting around the House 24-7 with nothing to do and "anything" is better than "nothing." Caleb, having been prodded by Frankie, suggests keeping Donny to Derrick, which is exactly what Derrick wanted to hear, because it would keep his hands blood-free. I can't begin to understand the reasons Frankie and Caleb and Cody are arguing that Donny and Nicole are differently threatening. I think Cody is making a good case: They've tried to get rid of Donny before and failed, so why wouldn't they take this option?
9:17 p.m. No, Julie Chen. You don't get to make "flirtmance" into a word. Also, stop saying "Holla." Now.
9:20 p.m. We're live and it's time to let Team America know if America liked their lame stunt. Victoria is feeling amazing now. "You look beautiful," Julie Chen reminds her. This will be the last week for Have-Nots. Frankie requests "Apple pie." "I'd say that's an overwhelming... no," Julie says. ZING. Good call, America. Cody misses messing with his dad. Time for everybody to get a taste of home. Caleb's brother is proud of him. Cody's dad is proud of him and makes him cry. Nicole's mom makes her sniffly. Ariana Grande dressed up as a cat to say how much she's missing Frankie, which is just hilarious. Christine's husband is odd. Derrick's daughter is adorable and makes him cry. "She was not talking like that when I left," Derrick says.
9:24 p.m. Stop saying "flirtmance," Julie! Tim is Christine's husband. He's very Christian and "invested in the Bible." "There are things that I would personally change," Tim says, specifically referencing the hand-holding as a problem. He calls their relationship "a little odd" and suggests "a couple boundaries have been crossed." Fortunately, Tim is confident that he's good-looking. Christine's mom Debbie feels that this isn't representative of how Christine was raised. Christine's dad Keith finds it uncomfortable to watch. And Christine's brother hope's Cody's family is at least somewhat uncomfortable. Nope! Cody's dad Paul was raised in a touchy-feely family. Cody's sister Angelina, however? She thinks Cody should back off a little. Tim loved the Zingbot laying into Cody and he suggests he may have words with Christine in private, but he admits he wants to run his fingers through Cody's hair. And that was our five minutes of fun with cuckoldry.
9:32 p.m. Live voting! Donny thanks God and tells the same people that he loves them. Nicole is grateful to be back in the house and would love to keep playing. Christine is up first and she votes to evict Donny. Allegedly Victoria and Nicole are growing close and she also votes to evict Donny. Frankie apologizes to America, but votes to evict Donny, officially ending Donny's fun. Caleb and Derrick make it unanimous.
9:40 p.m. The votes are in: Donny smiles when the results are read and distributes sincere hugs to everybody. They wanted him out, but nobody in the House hated Donny. "I'm a little emotional. I get emotional from time to time," Donny says, tears pouring down his cheeks. "I've got a big heart. A very big heart," Donny says. "I feel a little let down by Team America," Donny says. Donny knew he was going to be "different," but he also has "an art of befriending people." He was on the block seven times, which impressive even though it comes with a huge asterisk. Apparently Donny has gone to bed every night at midnight instead of staying up to socialize. "The things they talk about at those hours, I would have had nothing in common," Donny says. Geez. This is sad. It's also sad that he had to resign his groundskeeper position, but he hopes he gets it back.
9:46 p.m. "You are one of the most intelligent men I've ever met. And the sneakiest," Christine says. "It just seems like you've got daggum suction cups on your fingertips because you hold on for dear life," Caleb says. "I promise you I gave it a valiant effort," Derrick says. Julie has some odd news for Donny: "The Bold and the Beautiful" would like him to guest star. The idea of being a soap star confuses Donny almost as much as the idea of making any alliances in a game of social strategy.
9:51 p.m. The Head of Household competition is Sloppy the Snowman. It involves filling a snowman head with some liquid. There's also a smaller snowman that could earn then the $5000 Dollas/$5000 Hollas Reward/Punishments. We're not going to see how this competition ends, but at the very least I'd like to watch Victoria fall on her butt at least once. OK, Victoria isn't falling, but she kinda appears to have given up entirely, which is equally funny. I'm not sure if she's going forward or backward and neither is she.
9:58 p.m. Back to slipping and sliding. Next Thursday? A second Week of "Big Brother" in One Night double eviction. Yay! I had to miss the last one. Thankfully, nobody's going for the Dollas/Hollas thing. VICTORIA FALL DOWN!
I'll miss Donny. I'm not sure if I'll miss him a lot. But there are definitely three or four people I would have preferred to see go home first. How about you?