Britney... Nooooooooooo!!!!

Sorry. I was out of the country and missed all of last week's "Big Brother" drama and I spent much of this afternoon catching up on Dan's Funeral, The Cutest Eviction Showdown in "Big Brother" History, the tragic exit of Britney (NOOOO!!!!), The Return of Jesse, Ian's Bismuth and... well... everything else.

I was only away for a week, so it's hard to believe all that has happened.

So Dan's a brilliant sociopath, suddenly? And Frank's a carrot? And Jenn still thinks she made a big strategic move? How peculiar.

And Thursday (September 6) is a double-elimination episode?

Let's see how things go... After the break...

9:01 p.m. ET. Uncovered shoulders! I missed you when I was away, Julie Chen.

9:03 p.m. Frank and Joe are looking antsy on the hot-seat and they don't even know that we're doing the "One Week of 'Big Brother' in an hour" thing once again.

9:04 p.m. We pick up in the aftermath of the Power of Veto meeting that aired last night. Joe screams that he hopes Frank finally sends home.

9:05 p.m. Jenn is awful. 

9:05 p.m. Frank thinks he has the votes to survive, but he's clueless that he's really Dan's target. Or at least he's clueless for now. Frank and Dan agree that they're golden. But then... Dan is cutting apples and talking to Frank and he somehow speculates what will happen if Joe wins HoH this week. This is doubly ridiculous, because Joe can't win anything and because Frank thinks that Joe is going home. Wow. That was a pretty bone-headed slip-up from Super-Genius Dan.

9:07 p.m. The Screaming Tomato comes out to make sure that Ian only intends him as a pawn. Seeing Ian restlessly rocking on the couch has become weirdly poignant after he explained his ADHD in last week's episode. Ian knows biographical facts about Houdini and he tries to reassure Joe that all's under control. 

9:09 p.m. Dan's staring at the Memory Wall trying to make sure he has all of his ducks in a row. Get it? Quack Pack? Ducks? The only free variable that Dan can't predict is Joe winning Head of Household. Dan interrogates the Screaming Tomato, who tries reassuring him that he'd put other people on the block. Then Joe goes to bed and when Dan walks in in the dark, Joe accidently out their conversation thinking Dan was somebody else. "Am I talking to Barney Rubble? Because all that's upstairs is a bunch of rocks?" Dan asks. Yup. There are some DUMB "Big Brother" players this season. That's why I can't give Dan any real credit for brilliance. Yes. He pulled some impressive strings last week and this week, but whose strings should he be given credit for pulling? Frank is all hair and no head. Jenn's barely in this game at all. And making Danielle cry to manipulate everybody? That's just COLD.

9:11 p.m. Julie tells the hamsters the double-eviction twist. They're shocked.

9:12 p.m. Frank tells the hamsters that they should keep him because he can't compete the next HoH and he vows to be grateful if they keep him.  "Well, I know I'm the single biggest threat... in the kitchen," Joe says. "You've gotta vote with your hearts," he adds. Neither of those speeches were presuasive.

9:13 p.m. Live-voting time: Dan votes to evict Frank and plugs for his website. Danielle votes to evict Frank. Jenn votes to evict Joe. Shane votes to evict Frank. And that's it for 21st Century William Katt.

9:15 p.m. Julie tells the hamsters that Frank has been eliminated. He looks resigned, but also a little shell-shocked. Ian apologizes as he keeps doing every time he makes a big game move. Frank takes his stuffed bear and leaves. Back in the house, Ian apologizes to Jenn as well. What, Ian? You didn't apologize to Frank's bear?

9:16 p.m. "I am shell-shocked," Frank admits. "Once again, they lied to me," Frank says of Dan and Danielle. Julie points out that Frank only hugged Jenn and Frank has critical things to say about Dan. "Why do you think they did you like they did," Gangsta Julie asks. Frank doesn't think his new alliance was legitimate. True story. Frank says being too trusting was his biggest fault, but he knows that he hasn't had any allies for weeks. Frank was up six times. That's a bit crazy. "I wouldn't change anything for the world, except maybe a coulple things at the end," Frank says.

9:19 p.m. "Your biggest mistake in the game was not getting rid of Dan," Joe bellows. Shane says it's nothing personal. "You are the ultimate threat to me or anybody else winning this thing," Ian says. "I respect the heck out of you," Dan says, hoping there are no hard feelings. "Absolutely hard feelings," Frank tells Julie.

9:24 p.m. Speed Head of Household Time!

9:24 p.m. This game is called "Make Your Case." Julie reads Chopping Block pleas from various contestants and the players have to ID the offending hamster. Jenn gets out to a lead. Is she about to win HoH and make me feel guilty for insulting her game worthiness? Soon, though, it's a tie between Jenn, Dan and Danielle. Joe and Shane are very bad at this game.

9:28 p.m. HoH this week comes down to Jenn, Danielle and Dan trying to guess how many minutes Jodi was in the game. Dan wins! A harder question for the hamsters would have been asking any of them to remember ANYTHING about Jodi.

9:32 p.m. Probably not much suspense in Dan's eviction picks, right?

9:33 p.m. Joe sits right down on the Chopping Block. He knows his place.

9:33 p.m. Dan nominates Joe and also... Ian. Realistically, if Dan figured he had the votes, he really ought to be targeting Ian tonight. Of the people remaining, Ian's the only other player who even semi-plausibly could get Jury votes against Dan, right? Otherwise, it's a house of guppies and one shark. Dan says he only put Ian on the block because he'd never been before. Do we believe that?

9:38 p.m. Quickie PoV time!

9:39 p.m. The game is called "Swimming with Sharks." The hamsters have to navigate a shark fin through a maze. The "Jaws"-y music is silly, but Ian wins and he's mighty proud of himself.

9:42 p.m. "Will the nominations change? I'm pretty sure they will," Julie says. So... Back to the block for Jenn?

9:46 p.m. Dan's bossing everybody around. Jenn opens a door into Ian's face. Chaos is ensuing. Ian tries leaving. "No, Ian. I'm talking to you," Dan snaps. He's psychotic, y'all. Ian leaves. Dan snaps his fingers and orders Jenn back in. "Don't make me come in there," Julie says, aware that Dan's dictatorship is taking time away from commercials.

9:48 p.m. "Wish I had two of these jokers," Ian says in a playful homage. He takes himself off the block. Danielle is already slack-jawed before Dan puts her up.

9:49 p.m. Danielle plays "confused" and "clueless" masterfully. As always, though, I'm not sure if she's playing. Theoretically, Dan could have warned her in advance. Or he may have just thrown her up there without warning because he likes messing with her. Between Dan and Shane, the campaign of psychological warfare against Danielle this season has been ridiculous.

9:52 p.m. Let's hear what Danielle and Joe have to say. Danielle loves all of us and she doesn't want to leave. She also flashes America, which is a good argument. "All's I want to stress is a strong-ass loyalty," says Joe, who may have been distracted by Danielle's skirt-flipping.

9:53 p.m. Shane votes to evict Joe and save his "girlfriend." Jenn votes to evict Joe. And that's it for The Screaming Red Tomato. Ian also votes to evict Joe. And APOLOGIZES. Gracious, man.

9:54 p.m. Julie tells the hamsters that Joe has been eliminated. Unlike Frank, Joe makes the hugging rounds and tells them all that he loves them and it's just a game.

9:55 p.m. Joe exits shrieking. We would have expected nothing less. Back in the House? Lots of whispering, none of it intelligible. 

9:56 p.m. "Sometimes you've gotta come up with a big win in your life," Joe says, crediting Ian for deserving it. "Showmance. I can't go there," Joe says of why Danielle stayed around and he was voted out. Joe yells that he tried to win every challenge and that it wasn't his strategy to lose. "What exactly is that on your chin?" Julie asks, concluding an epically bad exit interview.

What'd you think of the double-elimination episode? Are you going to miss Frank? I know you won't miss Joe. Do you think Dan was really targeting Ian? And could Danielle get pity votes if she makes it to the end?