Night two of "Big Brother 16" served up some saucy new houseguests and a couple of strange (er, confusing?) twists. We were aware of the existence of a "Team America" thanks to Wednesday night's premiere, but we just learned that Joey, a blue-haired person who recycles Aquafina bottles in the Pacific Northwest, was voted by viewers to be the first houseguest on the secret three-person team. She'll get special chances to win $5,000 for every silly challenge/dare she completes. "Now this is some GREEN I won't be recycling!" she doesn't say to us, but you can just effing imagine it.
We also learned more about the two-HOH, four-block-nominee system of tyranny that Julie Chen is so excited about. (She is extra sinister this season. I always expect her to turn to the camera and whisper, "The houseguests don't know that right now they're drinking the blood of Les Moonves' first wife.") Apparently there are two HOHs every week, and they both nominate two houseguests apiece. Those two duos battle against each other, and the winning duo gets to remove themselves from the chopping block and subject the HOH who chose them to a possible eviction. The losing team remains unsafe, and the HOH who chose them remains safe. Get it? You shouldn't.
But now, the important stuff. Eight new houseguests entered Chenbot Manor, and it's time for us to inspect their characters like detectives who specialize in loud narcissists. To help us analyze the new hamsters, we also have Andy Herren -- the winner of "Big Brother 15" -- to add some spicy commentary. Here are HitFix's and Andy Herren's takes on the newbies.
HitFix: I feel like Victoria spent hours memorizing three shockingly boring tidbits to recite about herself, like DeFwon from "30 Rock." "I'm an Orthodox Jew!" she purrs. "I'm the hottest girl in the house!" she murmurs nervously. "I love pink. It's the best," she coos. None of those facts translates to gameplay. Understanding that Frankie has hair that matches your outfit is probably not an FBI-level insight.
Andy Herren: Victoria is this season's Jessie (Big Brother 15). On one hand, this is bad because she is doomed. On the other hand, this is fantastic because she will be humiliated on a nearly non-stop basis.
HitFix: It took me a second, but I love this guy's cockiness. I also love that he told Rachel Reilly to her face that she was a bully. Yes to angry honesty! Good caustic energy coming off this bro. I bet his favorite food is Mountain Dew.
Andy Herren: He's a self-proclaimed "con artist" and an Andy-proclaimed "cutie pie." I want him to go far, not only because I think he is capable of it, but also due to the fact that if he wins, we can take photos together and I can begin to seduce him. He also claimed that I'm one of his all-time favorite players. I need to marry this guy.
HitFix: I'm annoyed to death that Caleb says he's not going to play down his physical strength. Really? Is he also just going to volunteer for elimination every week? Worse, this is somebody who calls himself a "metrosexual." Ugh. Buying a pair of jeans at Guess doesn't mean you get to have an identity.
Andy Herren: Next. Over it.
HitFix: I can usually tolerate an affable heterosexual player, but I'm not sensing Hayden will surprise us with brilliant espionage tactics. Also: I am done with "Big Brother" players being named Hayden. I am especially done with adult skateboarders. So it turns out Hayden wasn't tolerable at all. The end.
Andy Herren: Hayden seems like the type of guy who would be fun to grab a beer with, but who is also expendable. I see him sticking around for a while before being kicked to the curb when someone needs an easy target to pick off. His safari hat is quite ridiculous, though.
HitFix: A bisexual minister named for Oedipus' mom? This is my version of a superhero. I enjoy Jocasta's vaudevillian energy and knack for bow-ties (very Janelle Monae AND Paula Poundstone), but I don't sense that she meshes well enough with the rest of the house. When you're vibing more with Jesus than your bedmates, you aren't cut out for "Big Brother." Come on, girl, even Jesus doesn't have time for the live feeds.
Andy Herren: She used to be a sinner who f**ked men and women. Now she is a minister. I find her constant bow tie wearing to be a bit scary, as it reminds of the scary story where the little girl has to wear a bow around her neck to keep her head from falling off. I hope Jocasta's head remains intact, and I hope she sticks around for some time, although I sense that she won't.
HitFix: I can't decide whether Brittany is levelheaded or merely pleasant. I did love when she noted that she was abandoning her maternal duties for "Big Brother" because she never does anything for herself. How very Meryl in "Kramer Vs. Kramer." I just pictured Julie Chen as played by scruffy '70s Dustin Hoffman and I sprinted through a wall. Anyway. Brittany has a backbone, I can tell. I'm hoping she's a firm, but secretive manipulator.
Andy Herren: My dark horse pick to do well. She's smart, stunning, and a mother of three. I really hope she starts swearing on her kids all the time, as it will make America hate her and me fall deeper in love with her. In Big Brother history, some mothers are ruthless and cunning (like Helen) and other mothers are aloof and irrelevant (like Elissa). I'm hoping she is more of a Helen.
HitFix: Thank God we have Christine, because she might be the only player (with the possible exception of Zach) who is funny on purpose. Frankie keeps trying for funny and keeps coming up with loud. Shudder. I love when "Big Brother" casts an adorable weirdo like BB14 winner Ian Terry; you're enchanted by their strangeness, but you're also trying hard to figure them out. She's got depth, and I'm hoping her goofy giggle is a front for her cunning gameplay.
Andy Herren: My sweet angel Christine seems to have everything going for her: She's a super fan, she's not too physically threatening, and she is genuinely likable. I would love for her to join the ranks of Ian Terry and myself, because her win would would mark the third year in a row that a dweeb comes out on top. She even threw a birthday party for a homeless man one afternoon. SWOON.
HitFix: Derrick tried convincing us that everyone thinks he looks "young." That kind of delusion will get him nowhere. I see he's got his wits about him, but nothing sticks out about him personality-wise. I sense that he will become suspicious quickly.
Andy Herren: He threw the first HoH, and showed some fine-tuned intuition while doing so! YAY! He decided to lie about his profession in an environment where you do nothing but talk about your personal life! BOO. Derrick, you need to get your act together and just tell the truth. If you keep up this charade, you'll find it culminating in an exit interview with my homegurl Julie Chen.
Epilogue: Caleb won the second HOH competition, so now he's co-HOH (for the time being) with Frankie. I still suspect he'll be targeted early for being so brash with his physical strengths. What say you?