It’s summer again, and that means “Big Brother.” Do you remember a time before “Big Brother”? It has to have been a long time ago, because Mike “Boogie” from season #2 looks like he’s retirement age. When he comes into the house, I expect him to be dragging his walker with him. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Before we introduce the old (really old) but new twist, it’s time to meet the new hamsters!

Let’s meet the new hamsters!

First up, we have Frank from Naples, Florida. He’s been reading strategic books, so he’s going to win. Um, okay. He also packed the guy version of Daisy Dukes because the girls love ‘em. I have zero faith in Frank going far in this competition.

Danielle is from Tuscaloosa, Alabama. She’s a super active girly girl. And a nurse. Shane is a house flipper in Bennington, Vermont. Except he hasn’t flipped any of the houses he’s bought yet, so he needs to win “Big Brother.” Not a good investment strategy, I have to say. He might as well have said he was a professional lottery player. Jodi is from Calipatria, California. She is a newlywed and she likes to lift weights and run marathons. She’s super fit, except for someone who is super fit, she has a mighty sizable beer gut. Just saying.

Ian is a chemical engineering student in New Orleans. He’s small and pale and looks like he stumbled off the set of “The Big Bang Theory.” Wil is a marketing consultant in Louisville, and he plans to play a social game. He’s more than just a typical Southern gay! His words, not mine. He also has long luxurious hair. JoJo is from Staten Island, she’s a bartender and she’s tough.

Willie from Dayton, Texas is the brother of Russell from “Survivor.” This would be more of an advantage if he didn’t look EXACTLY like Russell. He might as well have gotten one of those tattoos Brandon Hantz got before he went on “Survivor.” Speaking of which, is there anyone in the Hantz family who hasn’t gotten onto a CBS reality competition?

Kara is a super busty model in LA (the super busty, Barbie doll aspect usually means she’s not modeling clothes. She’s modeling bikinis or nothing at all). She’s dated rock stars and is looking for love. Is she aware this is not “The Bachelor”?

Joe is from Schererville, Indiana and he is a professional chef. Jenn from Brooklyn was in the platinum selling metal band called Kitty. She’s gay, Puerto Rican and tattooed. Take her or leave her! Ashley from Pittsburgh is a spray tan technician. She may seem like an airhead but she graduated from a Big 10 school! So there!

The first four to enter the house are Wil, Ashley, Jodi and Frank. Wil bonds with Frank immediately, as they both have extreme hair. Frank hopes a girl has to share his bed!

Next to enter are Jenn, Dannielle, Ian and Shane.Danielle’s never seen someone like Jenn in person. You know, all rocker chick-looking and with, like, tattoos. Can’t wait to see Danielle’s reaction when Jenn tells her she’s gay. Willie, Joe, Kara and JoJo go into the house last. The hamsters are all loaded in. Let the game begin! At first, it’s all happiness and squealing and bonding. Ashley wants to turn JoJo into a My Little Pony and Kara into a Barbie doll because they’re just so cute!

Well, it’s not all happiness and bonding. Joe thinks Wil could be one of the prettiest chicks in the house if he was a chick. Ian can tell Willie is related to Russell just by looking at him, and it’s pretty obvious Willie is going to be on the block sooner than he expects.

Time for lying! Danielle tells everyone she’s a kindergarten teacher. She thinks being a nurse makes her look too tough? Ian confesses his chemical engineering status, which is surprising, as most smart or successful hamsters tend to make up stories. Ian’s honesty works on Ashley, who thinks he’s her type. Frank says he’s unemployed, but Jodi doesn’t believe it. Ian thinks Kara is the cutest girl ever in the history of earth. Yo, Ian! Ashley’s a sure thing; change your focus! Danielle likes Shane. She knows he’s good with his hands, since he’s in construction. Come on, girls, this isn’t a dating show!  

Julie Chen pops up on screen to tell the hamsters it’s time for the twist. If the motto of the show is to expect the unexpected, is anything really a twist? Anyway, the twist is that four former houseguests are returning to the house, not to compete but to coach. This is an awfully warm and fuzzy twist if you ask me. Of course, there’s something in it for the coaches. Whoever leads a hamster to the winner’s circle takes home $100,000.

The four coaches are:
Dan, the winner of “Big Brother” #10
Janelle from “Big Brother” #6 and “Big Brother All Stars,” who is now “the real housewife of Minnesota”
Britney from “Big Brother” #12
Mike “Boogie” from “Big Brother: #2 and the winner of “Big Brother All Stars”

The judges enter the house and are met with much hugging. Britney loves Janelle! Mike “Boogie,” however, is a little nervous, as he evicted Janelle. And he might break a hip. Seriously, he looks like  he’s a million years old. Ian points out that when he saw Mike “Boogie”’s season, he was just ten years old. “Boogie” makes a face like he wants to throw up, and I can’t blame him.

Ian isn’t the only one to figure out Willie’s lineage. Dan knows Willie’s related to Russell, though Willie lies frantically. Janelle and Boogie figure it out, too. No one wants him on his team, as they’re pretty sure Willie will try to play the way Russell did – mean and nasty.

Finally, Julie Chen reveals why the hamsters received invitations instead of keys. Only 11 keys will be handed out! And there are 12 hamsters! The hamsters will have to earn their keys, and someone is going home before they get a chance to unpack. Time for the coaches to pick their players, whoot!

Britney picks Shane. Boogie picks Frank. Janelle picks Wil. Dan picks Kara. Dan picks Danielle. Janelle picks Ashley. Willie is being overlooked, because everyone KNOWS WHO HE IS. Boogie picks Ian. Britney picks Willie. Oh, actually, Britney does not appear to know who Willie is. Britney picks JoJo. Boogie picks Jenn. Janelle picks Joe. Jodi is picked last, and Dan is stuck with her.

The challenge is a ridiculous one (of course; is there any other kind?) involving teddy bears, moving beds and backpacks. The hamsters must hop from bed to bed (fill in your own joke right here) and transport the teddy bears. It’s not exactly nail biting, so let’s just say Dan’s team loses and it’s not up to him to choose one of his own team members for eviction. It’s pretty easy for him to pick the two weak links – Danielle and Jodi. Though Jodi tries to convince Dan she’s a really hard worker, despite sucking at teddy bear transport, he still gives her the boot.

The winners of the challenge are Britney’s hamsters, so she gets to name the first HOH. And who does she pick? Willie! Well, this should be interesting as the hamsters all realize who Willie really is.

Are you excited for “Big Brother” to be back? Do you think Dan made the right decision? What do you think of Willie as HOH?