To all of you who are Time Warner Cable customers, I want to send you my sympathies (no Showtime? No CBS? What the hell?) and promise I will do my best to unravel the mess that is this night's episode of hamster meltdown. May the CBS app be with you!

We kick things off with Gina Marie reveling in her HoH status, which means she hasn't tried writing her HoH blog just yet. Apparently, this enterprise caused her to weep bitterly, knowing that the general public would discover she's mostly illiterate. If it makes her feel any better, I think we all had an inkling. Anyway, she lures the hamsters she's just insulted into her room as flip-flopping pond scum in order to make nice. She tries to assure Jessie she's not the target, because being the pawn is SO much safer. Gina Marie promises her that her door is always open, as if she's 7-11 or possibly a paid escort. The good news is that, when Gina Marie gets voted out and discovers she's unemployed, she definitely could have a future in customer service. 

Next, Gina Marie asks Candice to come into her lair. Candice is less offended by the rat comment than the tattletale comment, because she knows lots of stuff she's not telling. Personally, I'd be more offended by the rat comment, because it could mean Gina Marie is going to bury her in cement or find some nice thugs to throw her into a river someday. Gina Marie doesn't seem to care, because she's more focused on convincing Candice there are no hard feelings. She doesn't, of course, tell Candice she has nothing to worry about (she does) or that she's not going home (she might be) or that she doesn't hate her (she does). But if Candice survives the week, she wants to be nice! 

The hamsters while away the hours (when they're not combing/dyeing/ratting their hair) wondering who the mysterious MVP is. Spencer doesn't think the MVP is in the house, but Amanda is CONFIDENT it's someone in the house. No one would in the house would put her up! McCrae snorts. "What am I doing that someone else doesn't like?" she asks, not even joking. 

This is our first indication that Amanda is going to completely lose it very shortly. Just a warning, in case you'd like to step back from your televisions or fast forward or something. 

Everyone's hanging out in the HoH room when things go boom. After Jessie plops down next to McCrae, Amanda wants him to sit with her. He says "no." She gives him a dirty look and leaves the room. "This is so high school it's ridiculous," McCrae says, entirely logically. Amanda, who is gravely offended (apparently what we didn't see was Jessie and McCrae having hot sex in the middle of the room… wait, that didn't happen? So, Amanda is being ridiculous? Thought so!), pouts. McCrae does not want to be on her leash. I guess the bubble bath stage of their relationship is over. 

I realize this is a showmance, but it does feel like a very real break-up is in the works. McCrae is thinking how this seems like so many other relationships he's been in (sidebar: he's been in more than one?), and how much he'd like to claw through the drywall to get away from this crap. "Are you mad at me? Do you think you're in a bad situation? Can you talk, please?" she nags. He wants to dump her but doesn't know how. Usually you can just lose someone's number if you don't want to date them anymore, but that's not really an option in the Big Brother house. 

It's time to find out which hamster America is liking the least these days… and it's Amanda. I think this vote is making a lot more sense, and I'm guessing people who are watching the live feed and have seen more of Amanda's bad behavior jumped on this train earlier than the rest of us. 

Time to pick the players for the veto competition. Spencer and Judd will be playing, and Aaryn will host. Amanda and Helen are sure the MVP is Judd. Amanda, because she is losing her fool mind, needs to find out what Judd intends to do if he wins. He whispers to her that if he wins the veto, he'll pretend to use it on Jessie but he'll really use it on Amanda. Amanda doesn't believe him, and I think if Judd is smart, he'll lose on purpose. 

Then, Amanda continues the Non-Stop Crazypants Spanish Inquisition of her fellow hamsters. She wants that veto, or at least the promise that someone, anyone will give it to her. She asks Spencer if he'd use the veto on her. Hahahahaha! Amanda then coerces Gina Marie into saying she'd use the veto on her. Aaryn thinks Amanda is so selfish! What if she went up in her place? Gee, Amanda, now I don't think anyone wants you to have the veto, but they sure do want you to go home! Congratulations!

Andy thinks Amanda needs to shut up and suggests (in a nice, Andyish way) McCrae control his woman. As sexist and horrible as that sounds, I agree, as Amanda is becoming like something yanked out of a season of "American Horror Story." McCrae decides to talk to Aaryn and Gina Marie, and reassure them that the nominations should stay the same. Amanda joins the conversation and argues with McCrae. Oh my GOD, Amanda, shut UP! 

Finally, McCrae and Amanda fight. Amanda thinks McCrae isn't being loyal! How dare he comfort Aaryn! He needs to stop his dictatorship in this relationship! What? Amanda is losing her mind. Take back that fake ring of commitment or promise or whatever, McCrae! Even though she probably owned it anyway! Maybe you can hawk it someday...

The POV competition is frog-related, which Judd just loves. He eats 'em, he kills 'em, he loves 'em, those froggies! And now, he flings 'em. There will be flinging of frogs. Yay! At least it's cuter than tossing a ball at a roulette wheel. 

Round one! Jessie is first and gets three points. Candice scores four. Judd scores eight. Amanda scores 23! Gina Marie hits nothing and gets a prize -- the veto! Won't last long.

Round two! Spencer gets five points. Candice gets 24 points. Judd gets six. Jessie gets four. Amanda gets one point. She's out. Her fifth place prize is the cone of shame, so she trades for the veto. 

Round three! Judd gets 21 points. Jessie gets nine points. Spencer gets five points. Amanda tells Candice to stop talking to Judd. Huh? She thinks Candice is MVP! Amanda thinks the Shaneequa is coming out. "Is that racist now?" she sneers. Oh, oh man. Candice gets a… nothing. But she gets a Bahamas vacation. And she trades it for the veto. 

Amanda starts picking on Candice by whispering. Candice tells her to leave her alone. Amanda wants a muzzle for Candice. What? Yes, it's confirmed: Amanda is a really nasty bully with, apparently, a racist streak. What is WRONG with Amanda? McCrae just wishes she'd shut up. Me, too!

The competition continues. Judd gets 23. Jessie gets a 13. Spencer gets… six. Spencer is out. His prize is fifty shades of orange, which means the unlucky recipient is forced to get a crazy spray tan whenever a buzzer sounds. Gina Marie wants it bad, but he takes the Bahamas vacation, as he doesn't really want a cone of silence. 

It's down to Jessie and Judd. Jessie scores nothing. Oh no! Judd…gets 20. Judd, why do you want the veto? Bad idea! Amanda starts freaking out and yells at Judd (Amanda apparently read the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and found a chapter no one had previously discovered: "Yell At Them"), then Candice and Amanda start arguing. Yay! This is like a dysfunctional family Christmas, without the gifts and fruitcake but all of the hate!

Jessie gets $5,000 for her prize and trades for the POV. Judd, poor thing, gets a clownitard for one week. That's not an insult (though it likely will be in this Big Brother house, as the hamsters need to add the mentally challenged to their list of hatred), by the way.Trade, Judd! He takes the $5,000 from Candice. So, Jessie gets the power of veto, which was what she wanted all along. Well, what she probably wanted all along is for someone to run over Amanda with a truck, but she'll take what she can get.

Amanda thinks she can kick Candice out of the Big Brother house. Really? Did someone slip something in Amanda's food? Is the secret of the Big Brother house really that they're doing horrible medical experiments and someone found a vial of the stuff that made people cray-cray in "World War Z"? I'm just astounded. Maybe Amanda benefitted from kind editing up to this point, but woof.

Amanda and McCrae fight. Again. He tells her she's being a bully, and she doesn't get it. "Leave me alone, okay!" she huffs. I can't tell if she's realizing she's being an idiot or if she feels that McCrae is hurting her feelings. It's anyone's guess as we descend into Nutsoville. 

Candice is hoping the clownitard is sexy. Elissa engaged Candice in conversation, so Aaryn starts wondering if Elissa is trying to save Candice. Because, you know, if you don't actively scream at someone or give them a wedgie while people are trying to eat in the kitchen, you have a secret alliance. Aaryn then starts a campaign to put Elissa on the block. I'd really like to lie down and have an aspirin at this point. 

Time for the clownitard! It's not terrible, and Candice manages to wear it with Grace, in a chic Bozo kind of way. Then, the buzzer sounds and Amanda needs to get her spray tan. The spray tan actually seems to cheer her up. Time for the cone of shame on Gina Marie! I think Gina Marie is excited because she thinks it's a funnel for wine consumption. 

Helen checks in with Gina Marie to protect her allies or, if that's not possible, make sure she's not on the block. Helen really loves Gina Marie! And she wants to protect Elissa, but she doesn't beat Gina Marie over the head with her agenda. It's just all kitties and flowers and hugs with Helen. She should run for office someday, though I probably don't want to vote for anyone who's voluntarily lived in the Big Brother house. That seems like a character flaw, really. 

Time for Jessie to save herself. She wants someone to put up McCrae against Amanda. Clever! Maybe Jessie isn't the waste of space I thought she was! Anyway, Jessie tells Gina Marie to put up someone else -- and she puts up… Spencer? Huh. Didn't even hear a conversation about that. Now we have three very different candidates for eviction, though the obviously crazy one -- Amanda -- seems like a choice upon which everyone can agree. Take thee and they bad spray tan and be gone!

Amanda feels confident. She says this and, sadly, she isn't even joking. 

 

Do you think Amanda is going home? Do you think Gina Marie made the right choice in nominating Spencer? Why do you think Amanda is losing her fool mind?