So my colleague Dan tells me that tonight’s episode is supposed to be all kinds of crazy… and lo and behold, the promo to the show reveals that RACHEL is back. What? How exactly is BB rationalizing that move? Part of me thinks, yay, lots of screaming! And the other part of me thinks, ugh, lots of screaming, because Rachel may be dramatic and mentally unstable in the way that makes good television, but she’s also ear piercingly shrill in the way that makes permanent deafness and migraine headaches. But oh well, she’s back, so let the games begin!
Ragan is about to have a level 5, full-blown meltdown (is there any other kind?) because he’s on the block. Poor Ragan. Lane thinks Brendon’s lost his friggin’ mind, and you know what? I have to agree, though Lane was actually an inspired choice. Yes, I know, Brendon’s all kinds of tough guy, Medieval knight-vengeful for his lady, The Duchess of Artificial Tresses, but who in their right mind would find Ragan to be a threat? Why not put up, oh, two physically strong members of the (b)rigade (I’m sticking with lower case for these doofuses, sorry)? Or the deceptively sturdy Matt, who keeps winning HOH despite looking like a soggy, growth-stunted weasel? But no, Brendon’s still playing for Rachel, who is worth so much more than winning. Whatever.
Anyway, here’s Brendon’s explanation for his picks. Lane is a pawn, because Brendon really wants Ragan to go. In his love (and possibly hair dye-addled) brain, he thinks Britney, Matt and Ragan are his worst enemies. Oh, Brendon. Everyone’s your enemy, because the whole house hates you.
Time to pick players for the POV competition! Brendon picks Enzo. Ragan picks Kathy. Lane picks houseguest choice, which for him is Hayden. Brendon’s just happy that Matt and Britney don’t get to play. Britney, of course, is not happy. Britney is rarely happy, actually, being a strangely bitter little person, but that’s another conversation.
Next, a robot enters the house. Yes, a robot. “BB” is starting to feel like an Ed Wood movie. The robot is a Don Rickles kind of creation called the Zingbot 3000, which insults the hamsters and will be hosting the POV competition. The Zingbot 3000 seems to work harder than anyone else in the house, which makes me hope it will stick around for a while, maybe doing light maid service or consoling the hamsters when they have their little breakdowns while offering mild comic relief.
For the POV, the winner has to walk a balance beam, then stand on a spinning wheel and put together a puzzle while the Zingbot lobs insults. Oh, and the competitors have to dress like robots. Lane seems to have an in, as he knows how to do-si-do. But Ragan takes an early lead.
First out? Can you guess? Kathy! For an able-bodied person, she seems to actually have some kind of undiagnosed brain injury. All I’m saying is I wouldn’t want to be in a situation where I needed help from the sheriff in her town. You’d be best off asking her if you could just shoot yourself with her revolver, really.
Brendon is determined to win, but Ragan is even more determined. And Ragan wins!
Lane is horrified. Oh, is there any chance that Brendon will accidentally luck into breaking the (b)rigade? Of course not, since Matt has that stupid diamond POV and Brendon still thinks he’s friends with Enzo and Hayden, but it’s nice to dream.
Apparently winning the POV makes Ragan all kinds of weepy, because he has to tell Britney he thinks she’s a kind, beautiful, intelligent human being and he really loves her. Then Britney cries, because she’s thinking about having to go kiss Brendon’s ass. Ragan seems like a genuinely nice guy, which really makes you wonder why he wanted to be on “BB” and, more importantly, why he actually thinks anyone else in the house isn’t evil incarnate and lying to him, but I guess his being the saboteur kind of evens the score a bit in any case.
Hayden hasn’t told anyone how he thinks about Matt. But here’s the truth -- he’d be happy for him to go home! Enzo agrees! Yup, it seems the (b)rigade is snapping apart regardless of who goes on the block!
Brendon walks into his HOH room and discovers Pandora’s Box. He can get a trip for two to someplace tropical. And the suggestion is that he might get to see Rachel. Well, that sells it for Brendon. He opens the envelope and learns he’ll have a 24-hour break from the game in Malibu. But who cares about that? He’ll get to see Rachel and her hair extensions! Whoo-hoo!
Except he won’t. While he’s in Malibu, she’s back in the hamster house for 24 hours. Psych!
Rachel, of course, comes barreling into the house like a drunken hurricane, and immediately everyone wants to kill her. But Ragan would like to kill her a little more than the other hamsters. Ragan and Rachel immediately start sniping at one another. This is pretty fun, as it’s like watching a tennis match, except instead of balls they’re just lobbing big wads of hatred at one another.
Ragan tells Rachel she has no friends in the house. So Rachel has to ask if everyone hates her (oddly enough, this makes the hamsters uncomfortable). Then she has to ask Ragan if he has to be a bitch because he’s gay. Ragan tells her she’s a bad person. Rachel promises to make the next 24 hours of Ragan’s life miserable. Rachel, you overestimate your powers, seriously.
Brendon arrives at the Malibu estate and can’t find Rachel. Oh no, he discovers she won’t be coming to him after all! Brendon is sad. So, he has a massage, floats in the pool and has a nice dinner. That’s what I call dealing with disappointment.
Back at the hamster house, Rachel and Ragan fight some more. Ragan tells Rachel she’s a wicked witch and the only thing real about her are the pimples on her chin. Rachel tells Ragan his game play sucks and he has no real friends. He calls her a devil child. Rachel tells Ragan he sucks at being gay. Ragan tells her she’s going to get what’s coming to her. I am waiting for the hair pulling to start any minute. This is just too much fun!
Rachel decides to leave a pretzel message for Brendon suggesting Matt for elimination. I will say, Rachel does have some good instincts. If not for that stupid diamond POV, this would be a brilliant move.
Brendon returns from his spa vacation and discovers Rachel’s pretzel message. He KNOWS it must have been left by Rachel, because who else would leave a message in pretzels? Um, I don’t know. I would think anyone could do that, Brendon, it’s not much of a skill set. But he’s touched just thinking Rachel left a message for him. Isn’t that the cutest? Squeee! I’m actually surprised Brendon doesn’t eat the pretzels while sobbing hysterically, the saltiness of his tears dripping all over his bittersweet snack.
Brendon talks to Britney and Matt about which one he should put on the block. Britney swears he can have faith in her. She swears on her relationship. Britney would slit the throat of a Labrador puppy to stay in this game, so really, Brendon shouldn’t put a lot of stock in her swearing on her fiancé.
Ragan tries to give Brendon a little help by suggesting that Matt isn’t a good pick, because Lane could go. Of course, Ragan’s advice is so convoluted that at first it sounds like he wants Brendon to evict Matt, which may have something to do with his torn loyalties, but Ragan probably should have just stayed out of the HOH room altogether.
The saboteur! He tells everyone to get some sleep to prepare for a competition the next day. Then wakes the hamsters up at 2:41am. Then at 3:08. Then at 3:16. You get the idea. Then, the saboteur reveals there’s no competition. Waaah-waah. It was pointed out to me that Ragan has kind of sucked as a saboteur because he never takes any kind of physical risk, the way Annie did. I’m wondering why “BB” is letting him phone it in, but hey, that’s their fault for giving him easy Facebook suggestions.
Time for the veto meeting! Ragan uses the POV, then Brendon names his replacement: Matt.
Ragan is devastated. Enzo thinks it’s time for Matt to wear cement shoes. I’m not even kidding, he says that. Britney’s relieved. Lane can’t believe two members of the (b)rigade are on the block. Oh no!
But Matt, of course, isn’t sweating a thing, because he can’t wait to use his diamond power of veto. Shut up, Matt. I hope he’s allergic to that stupid diamond POV amulet and breaks out into a rash. It really couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.
Who do you think Matt will choose to evict? Do you think Ragan has been a good saboteur or has he taken the easy way out? Do you think we’ve seen the last of Rachel?