It’s the first acoustic week ever on “DWTS!” Wow! But wait, that’s just one of several HUGE changes for the show, none of which is a big whoop, but will be presented as such! I’m assuming this is happening because ABC has decided that D-list celebrities dancing awkwardly just isn’t enough to hold your interest, fickle viewers, so this is really all your fault. Anyway, the dance floor is now round and elevated, and the judges will be providing two sets of scores – one for technique, one for performance. Wow! Color me shocked! Knock me over with a feather boa! A new dance floor, I swoon! I’m not really sure why there are two sets of scores or whether this will have any impact on who stays or goes, except that it forces me to do more math in my head than I would like, but whatever.
We are informed through a truly ridiculous montage sequence that dancing to acoustic music is REALLY HARD and will put the celebrities under A GREAT DEAL OF PRESSURE which may end in tears or broken bones. Okay, maybe not the last part, but still, big deal. Don’t get me wrong, I love “DWTS.” But then, I like watching dancing. And I like watching some celebrities dance badly even more, because it makes me feel better about the fact that I have squashed many a toe in my lifetime. I don’t really need ABC to create false drama, or force their pro dancers to do canned segments about how acoustic music is SO DAMN HARD TO DANCE TO while they try to look earnest, even though you know they’re thinking, “Damn, this is stupid, but I’m making about a million times more doing TV than dancing at some pro ballroom competition or teaching frisky seniors how to rumba on a cruise ship, so yeah, I’m sucking it up and then some.” Really, ABC. Calm down. I’m sure you had most of us at “rumba,” and the rest of us at “D-list celebrity.” But speaking of rumba, let’s get to the dancing!