If you’ve been holding off on Tuesday night’s “Sons of Anarchy,” you should probably grab your cuts, brush up on your dog code and put on your Cosby sweater before you’re spoiled by this review.
After Reyes effectively put an end to all occult shenanigans last week, Jenny and Crane are out of the police sidekick game, and Captain Irving is wrestling with the truth bomb that his lawyer is the Horseman of War.
On the plus side, Abbie made a new friend in Hawley, aka Southern Gentleman Aquaman.
What adventures await our plucky heroes this week? Will Katrina finally remember witches are good at things like WITCHCRAFT and ground her wayward son? Probably not, but one can hope.
This season of “Saturday Night Live” has been surprisingly devoid of nostalgia, something I didn’t think would happen in this, the show’s fortieth season. But with former cast member Bill Hader returning tonight, look for that to change. And honestly? That’s fine. I have no problem with the show occasionally celebrating its own history, especially since much of the current cast was there during Hader’s tenure. Look for many of Hader’s classic characters to make a comeback tonight. Will there be a Stefon appearance? One could argue (and I would argue) that the Stefon sendoff was so perfect that any future appearance of the character would dilute that moment. But since Stefon did make another appearance during Seth Meyers’ farewell, anything’s possible.
Something that’s not possible but definite: I’ll be liveblogging everything that happens tonight. Also definite: Many of you will rend garments when I give something a “B” instead of a “B+”. I am just giving the people what they want: A reason to hate me. It’s how I roll, and how I’ve been rolling for five years here at HitFix.
After a heavy-handed unplanned pregnancy metaphor last week, Clara decided she’d had just about enough of traveling with the Doctor. It’s one thing to befriend a madman in a box, it’s quite another to clean up the messes of a cavalier madman with a tenuous grasp on the idea that other people have thoughts and emotions.
Haven’t caught up on Tuesday’s newest “Sons of Anarchy?” Well snuff out that post-sex cigarette, cover up those chest tattoos and don’t promise someone there will be no more dead bodies, because well … we all know that’s bull. Have you watched this show before?
Last week Ichabod and Abbie raised a DIY Frankenstein’s monster, Jenny got arrested, War got his law degree and became Captain Irving’s attorney and Katrina got to hold the “idiot ball,” opting to stay a prisoner of Headless to glean information about his plot with Moloch.
So the “Root of all Evil” should obviously be good intentions gone wrong, as proved over and over by our heroes, but it probably has something to do with money. Let’s find out!
We open with the Horseman of War carving a miniature woodwork of Terrytown Psychiatric because even harbingers of the End of Days need a hobby. The tiny Terrytown replica transforms into the real deal and we join Ichabod and Abbie already inside. They’re here to see Captain Irving but Henry has thrown a wrench into their plan. It turns out that in his haste to not receive electroshock therapy, Irving didn’t read that book he signed and it had a provision in it where Henry can bar any visitor to his client…namely ones named Abigail Mills and Ichabod Crane.
Insert your own joke about lawyers being the real evil, here.
Mills and Crane just missed Henry and despite not being allowed to let them inside, the Terrytown receptionist is apparently allowed to give out the lawyer’s personal information. This includes the name of the taxi company he called to whisk him away, because riding a fiery horse away from the psych ward is less than subtle, I suppose.
Meanwhile, Jenny is being sprung from lock-up and Sheriff Reyes is hanging out to watch because the chief of police has nothing better to do than harass the youngest daughter of an old acquaintance. Reyes continues her streak of ignorantly being the most insulting person in the world by comparing Jenny to a wayward dog Reyes used to own. One that would always run out into the road and chase cars…until one day the dog didn’t come back. Because it died. Because it didn’t listen to Sheriff Reyes. Reyes twists the knife deeper by ending with “I just don’t want to see you end up like your mother.” Yes, yes. We get it, Sheriff. You’re morally righteous. Get your condescending ass out of here!
Crane and Mills have tracked Henry’s taxi ride to the bank. They’re on an impromptu stake-out, waiting for their quarry to surface when Ichabod notices something odd inside the cafe. Two men are talking, holding hands. One of them is wearing a hat. Crane asks if that’s considered acceptable these days. He’s talking about wearing hats indoors and not homosexuality because he served with Baron von Steuben and watch the finale of “Glee” and just what is Abbie implying about Ichabod’s moral compass to assume he would condemn two men in love!?
Okay, calm down Ichabod. You’re wandering into Mary Sue territory.
Finally, Henry exits the bank but before they can stalk War to his next location, shots are fired from inside the bank. Because of course they are. Sowing dissent is kind of War’s job description y’all. What did you think he was doing in there? ANYWAY, Crane is forced to stay outside while Abbie runs in because of stupid Sheriff Reyes’s new rules and he is not happy about it.
Inside, a security guard is dead on the ground and a bank teller with a 15 year tenure is losing her mind and robbing the bank. Mills plays everything right: she reminds the teller of who she is, and tries to talk her down from shooting any more bank employees or patrons. We know the teller is not in her right mind because the of weird dark sheen crossing her face and the ancient coin clutched in her hand. But Abbie’s skills as a negotiator are cut short as no-nonsense Sheriff Reyes shoots the poor possessed bank teller in the chest, killing her instantly. God, the “normals” are a worse menace to our heroes than the combined forces of hell.
Outside, Ichabod is pacing behind the police line like a good worried partner. As Abbie walks over to fill him in, I am once again struck by just how short she is! The height differential is freakin’ adorable. Abbie swears that the bank teller was the sweetest lady in the world and would never have gone on a murder spree. It must be War’s doing it. But how? As they wonder, a dirty hipster wanders off with the ancient coin in his hand and murder in his eyes.
Sometime later, we rejoin our heroes at the Exposition Library. Crane is complaining about skulking around the Sleepy Hollow underground to avoid Sheriff Killjoy, but his rant is cut short when the bank’s security footage reveals the teller stealing one of Henry’s deposited coins. The thievery sparks a memory in Ichabod from back when he was on a secret mission from General Washington…
…and can I just interject here that there is no reason other than bragging for Crane to still be starting EVERY SINGLE STORY with “Back when I did this secret mission for GENERAL WASHINGTON.”?? Dude, we get it. You were BFFs with the Founding Fathers. Just chill.
During a mission, Crane was helping retrieve a special shipment of coins from counterfeiters before they could melt them down. Special coins that look super ancient. Unless my eyes deceive me, those are Roman coins stamped with the profile of Caesar. Of course the coins were evil, and the commanding officer who touched one later went on to betray the fledging nation. That man’s name? Benedict Arnold.
Oh, come on! Is there any super-important event Crane only heard about later on, instead of playing a starring role in?
Crane muses on the allegory of a coin sent to morally bankrupt the owner and we cut to the hipster who is totally building a bomb. This will not end well.
Time to catch up with the world’s worst double agent. Katrina is “spying” on Headless and Henry again. By just casually standing around and listening to them talk in the other room. Either these guys want her to overhear their conversation or it’s just a carriage house full of ineptitude. Katrina has been getting to Headless, feeding him thoughts to question why War gets to be in charge and he, poor Horseman of Death, has to stay hidden. War is having none of it and finally tell his mom to butt right the hell out and stop messing with a simpleton who doesn’t even have a head to defend himself against her womanly wiles.
But wait just a damn minute, where did Katrina get this wardrobe change? I mean, if she’d put on some skinny jeans or a maxi skirt that’d be one thing but where does one get period-appropriate clothing for an out-of-time 18th century aristocratic woman? Not that she doesn’t look fetching, but what?
We’ll have to file the Mystery of the Blue Dress away for another day though, because Jenny has returned. Abbie was able to get her community service instead of jail time, but before she runs off to scrub graffiti from walls, Jenny casually mentions she knows a guy who might know something about the coins. After all, Jenny was part of the supernatural community for years while Abbie suppressed her memories.
Jenny also casually breaks into the police records using Abbie’s login, because she suspects Sheriff Reyes might not be the upstanding officer of the law she appears to be. And there is something weird. Reyes was the one who had Jenny and Abbie’s mom put away in Terrytown. Her testimony led to the Mills’ girls being put into foster care and orphaned after their mom committed suicide. Jenny is outraged. Abbie tries to hedge that Reyes was just doing her job and to be fair, their mom was out of her damn mind. Jenny freaks out on Abbie and leaves in an understandable rage.
With no other leads, Crane and Mills head down to the river to talk to Mr. Hawley. Because that’s where he hangs out…because he is Aquaman. More specifically, he is clearly Southern Gentleman Aquaman (SGA). Oh Lord have mercy, please let this disreputable dealer in supernatural antiquities be a new cast regular!
Ichabod is immediately suspicious. This man is obviously a pirate and not to be trusted and CLEARLY there is only room for one man with a sexy accent in Abbie’s life. Abbie disagrees.
After some prodding, SGA reveals that coin was probably a Tyrian shekel. Specifically, one of the 30 pieces of silver Judas accepted to betray Jesus. While Mr. Hawley doesn’t believe in all this supernatural hocus-pocus, he knows that people that do believe in such things pay handsomely for such things and he is totally down to help relieve them of their burden. Crane is outrage. Abbie is amused.
Suddenly, the flower shop explodes. Guess that hipster really hated his boss. Back at the Frederick estate, War puts the finishing touches on his miniature replica of Sleepy Hollow and smiles. Any minute now, Quasimodo is going to show up and burst into a rendition of “Out There.”
By her own admission, Sarah Silverman wasn’t prepared for her last stint on “Saturday Night Live,” which only lasted 18 total episodes. But was it really a matter of her not being prepared, or simply that her brand of comedy has never matched up with that of the show? That doesn’t make one brand better than another, but certainly produces a potentially odd mix when the two sides reunite tonight. If the show can write to her strengths rather than force her into an uncomfortable mode, this could be quite the unique episode. If not…well, last week’s premiere was pretty good, right? (And I’ve already bought tons of swag from the “Pam 2: The Winter Pam” online store.)
Along for the ride tonight is musical guest Maroon 5. As always, I’ll grade each sketch live as they occur. As always, a vocal minority will take those grades as heinous affronts upon their own existence. I used to keep reiterating that these are snap judgments made from a singular perspective, but I think that message would have gotten through years ago at this point. Onwards and upwards!
In last week’s episode, Mr. Pink came face to face with the other man in Clara’s life…and he did not like what he saw. The show is finally dealing with how the Doctor takes on human companions who intrinsically trust him, even to the detriment of their own life. And how unhealthy that is. While “The Caretaker” was the Doctor in name, Moffat appears to be setting up Danny to care for Clara when Twelve finally pushes her too far.
But what will be the final straw? Maybe we’ll find out this week when the Doctor and Clara “Kill the Moon.”
Still haven’t caught up on Tuesday night’s “Sons of Anarchy?” Well call up the dog walkers, dig up some dead bodies and tell that ghost to stop talking because that body count just keeps on rising and you might want to see it for yourselves.
By the end of last week’s Season Two premiere, Abbie had been rescued, Jenny had been rescued, and Katrina was still ensnared by Headless. Well, two out of three damsels no longer in distress ain’t bad? Unless Captain Irving counts (he totally does), in which case the distressed damsel to rescue ratio drops to an abysmal 50% success rate.
Can our heroes get the team back together by the end of “The Kindred”?
The world is upside-down, literally, as Headless and his horse canter across the moonlit night. Headless is riding towards a circle of fire, and sticks, and human skulls. Because he is nothing if not a stickler for evil traditionalism. Katrina is with him, and it doesn’t take long until she’s tied to the altar at the center of the circle, set to be sacrificed/married while her son officiates.
Henry pricks his mom’s hand and she is blood-bound to Headless. Gross. But right before they can be pronounced husband and recently decapitated wife…Ichabod wakes up. IT WAS ALL A DREAM!
Now we’ll never know who shot J.R.
But the dream was more of a premonition since Crane has been doing research. According to the codices of exposition, Headless is totally going to bind himself to Katrina in unholy matrimony. Abbie cracks a joke about the wedding industrial complex and Ichabod gets to be offended that the sacred right of marriage has been turned into a billion dollar industry and fodder for reality TV. Abbie declines to point out that in Crane’s heyday, most marriages were more business deals than love affairs. Because she’s a better person than me.
Instead she distracts Ichabod before he can get fired up into an apoplectic “Back in my day,” rant, by asking him where Headless might be keeping Katrina. After all, before he was the fourth Horseman, he was just plain old Abraham Van Brunt. Crane totally knew him as a person and should be able to figure out where his ex-buddy would be hiding. But Abbie can’t stick around to hold Crane’s hand through it, she has to go meet the new LADY sheriff.
WHERE THE EVER-LIVING HELL IS ORLANDO JONES!?
Abbie missed roll call on the first day of school but that’s okay because she knows Sheriff Leena Reyes. Or more specifically, the Sheriff knows Abbie. Mills was too small to remember, but back when Reyes was an officer, she responded a few times when Abbie’s mom called the police…or had the police called on her. The nature of the disturbances is left vague. If I were a bettin’ woman, I’d say they involved demons but nobody believed her.
Anyway, Sheriff Reyes is tough as nails. She’s dealt with border patrol and drug cartels who leave body parts behind as warnings, so she’s not about to be spooked by some lone serial cop killer who decapitates people. Unlike Captain Irving, Reyes is going to restore sanity to Sleepy Hollow.
Excuse me while I laugh until the end of time. Oh man, poor newbie!
While Abbie was introducing us to this season’s non-believer, Ichabod figured out where Headless took his wife. To the family estate. Wow, really? You didn’t IMMEDIATELY think of that? Worst. Detective. Ever.
Anyway, we get a quick flashback to the emerald necklace Abraham gave Katrina when they were betrothed, in case you forgot that Ichabod stole his best friend’s girl. This is what happens when the wish from “Jessie’s Girl” is granted. Your ex-best friend makes a deal with Satan to be come an immortal warrior of Death to avenge getting cock-blocked.
On their way to the Van Brunt estate, Abbie hedges that maybe they’ve lost focus on the big picture here. Trying to get Crane laid isn’t exactly going to stop Moloch from heralding the end of times. Ichabod points out Katrina is a super powerful witch and they need her help, despite doing just fine without her up until this point.
Look, I’m just gonna say it. We’re all thinking it. If Katrina was that powerful, she wouldn’t be playing budget Princess Peach. Self-saving is kind of what powerful witches do, isn’t it?
By the time Crane and Mills find the old Van Brunt carriage house, it is the dead of night because time in Sleepy Hollow is wonky as hell. Death’s horse — whom I shall be referring to as Binky from here on out — is outside, so they know this is the right place. Crane catches sight of his wife and is ready to bullrush the place but Abbie is all, “Calm down kamikaze. Let’s go back to Cabin Control and get a plan that doesn’t involve instant death.”
Our heroes make a tactical retreat. Again, pointing out that Jenny…boring old non-magical human Jenny…would’ve escaped from the Horseman of War four times over by now. Get it together, Katrina.
Speaking of Jenny, she’s back at Cabin Control with the Scooby gang to figure out their plan. Turns out Katrina’s coven of witches had been in league with Ben Franklin to stitch together a creature powerful enough to match the Horseman of Death. They called it the Kindred, but it’s totally Frankenstein’s monster. Wait, no. It’s Franklinstein’s monster! Unfortunately, they were never able to turn on their abomination because they needed something from the Horsemen of Death to power it. Without magical batteries, it’s just a super disturbing doll.
Meanwhile, Henry has moved into the creepy house from last season. But he’s not there long before Moloch comes a calling and we’re back in Purgatory. Like any lenient parent, Moloch finally remembered he should punish failure, but the message is kind of diluted when you wait that long to dish out punishment. Rookie parent mistake. Moloch is all blah, blah, blah, I’ll find my own way the mortal realm. Blah, blah, blah, don’t fail me again.