If the Delena fans out there are thinking of forming a support group, well, they would definitely be justified. Thursday night’s episode of “The Vampire Diaries” could have been a hot and heavy reunion episode for the masses to gif for the near foreseeable future; instead it became a source of frustration for anyone tuning in.
Still reeling over Tuesday night’s “Sons of Anarchy?” Well grease up those prison weapons, wipe those drugs off your boobs and let’s avoid solitary confinement by getting through this together, shall we?
Last week was a low blow for our heroes. Captain Irving is still struggling to maintain his sanity without his soul and the gang accidentally acquired a super rare poison for Henry aka the Horseman of War. He used that nefarious, suspiciously blood-like mixture to create a FREAKIN’ SPIDER that crawled into Katrina’s mouth.
No. God, no. Please…no. Ugh. With Moloch’s minions having the upper hand, will the Scooby gang rack up a win this week in “Deliverance?”
We open on Ichabod and Katrina in bed, bathed in blue light and gossamer sheets. So this is either a memory or a dream. The couple share some platitudes about the grueling schedule of the Revolutionary War interfering with them getting it on like rabbits. Ichabod shares his hopes for their future children, which is sweet. He then flips Katrina over and chokes her out while spitting spiders into her mouth, which is not so sweet.
So, dream sequence then.
Katrina wakes up in a pool of sweat. She doesn’t look too good, but neither would you if a blood spider made entirely of poison just crawled into your stomach.
Unaware of his wife’s predicament, Crane has followed Abbie to the voting polls. Of course, Ichabod is incensed that voter turnout for mid-term elections is a paltry 40%. Back in his day, everyone voted and gladly, at that. Abbie is like “Oh really? You know, except for black people…and women…and anyone who wasn’t a white dude.”
You need some ice for that burn, Crane? No? You’re gonna add to your own flagellation by pointing out the white dudes also had to own huge tracts of land, and thus be rich? Well, good for you, seeing your privilege and being like “Okay yeah, I just said a stupid thing.”
Back in the Carriage House, Katrina looks like garbage. Abraham — otherwise known as the Horseman of Death — is worried about her. If their relationship wasn’t seven kinds of messed up, it would be kind of cute. Instead, it’s just disconcerting. Katrina blames her illness on supernatural forces and passive-aggressively blames Death for her condition.
Suddenly, Henry bursts in aggressive-aggressively and has his goons apprehend Katrina. Did War shop for minions on Mafia Discount Day at Red Shirt Emporium? Because these guys are dapper as hell.
Whatever is going on with Mrs. Crane, it is going exactly according to plan. But who’s plan? Henry says he’s here on Moloch’s behalf and their commander has changed his mind about Hell’s plan for Katrina Crane. Both Abraham and myself call bullshit. But War has a better grip on his Horseman powers — or he just has cooler abilities — and opens a window with telekinesis to let the sunlight trap Abraham while his goons whisk Katrina away.
Dissension in the ranks of Hell is getting serious, y’all. This is some straight up Mario/Bowser nonsense.
No one moves Abraham’s princess to another castle! Death rallies against the evils of natural light and puts an axe right in a goon’s back. I hope Henry kept his receipt. That guy still had “new minion” smell.
Seeing an opening, Katrina kicks her captor straight in the nads and makes a break for it. Despite suffering from supernatural consumption, she manages to make it to the nearest gas station — and help — before passing right the hell out.
Back in town, Ichabod is still railing against modern democracy until Abbie soothes him with an “I Voted” sticker. You guys, these two dorks are adorable. Right as our heroes are about to leave, Sheriff Reyes shows up with her posse. Crane laments Abbie’s removal from The Plastics…I mean the police inner circle. But one of the cool kids throws us a bone. A call just came in about some crazy red-headed Jane Doe in Revolutionary clothing passing out in the street and being taken to the hospital.
Say no more, minor recurring character.
At said hospital, Katrina is unconscious and still has the sickly sheen of someone suffering from blood spider poisoning. A doctor shows up to be indignant and spit out crucial information. The patient has a fever of 105 and an infection in her abdominal wall, says the doctor before disappearing, because clearly these people know the Jane Doe and shouldn’t have to provide proof or anything. Katrina wakes up just in time to be completely conscious for the emergence of painful black lines that signal blood poisoning.
Um, did Henry start a metamorphosis that will turn Katrina in the Horseman of Pestilence? Because that would be ONE way to stay closer to Mommy while sticking it to Dad.
Always the voice of reason, Abbie suggests they should vamoose before the Goons of War show up to re-kidnap Katrina. The only problem is the hospital took her clothes. So Mrs. Crane ends up in a drunk goth’s rejects: skinny jeans and a corset. Ichabod is conflicted about the state of dress — or undress — of his wife in public. But there’s no time to waste because the goons have arrived. Abbie shuffles the Cranes out of the hospital so she — you know, the cop — can tail these minions back to their lair.
Ichabod takes Katrina to the Exposition Library because it has every possible book they could ever need to discover what Henry did to her. When the minions of War tried to kidnap her, Katrina remembers seeing a goat in their “medical” book. Using his photographic memory, Crane is able to deduce the symbol belongs to the Hellfire Club within seconds.
Oh man, I hope Emma Frost shows up next week! Wait, wrong universe. In the “Sleepy Hollow” world, the Hellfire Club was infiltrated by Ben Franklin — because of course it was — and as luck would have it, Franklin witnessed them do to another woman the same thing that’s happening to Katrina.
I am side-eying the hell out of this deus ex machina library, y’all.
Unfortunately for our heroes, even absurd coincidences draw the line at literally writing down what ails Katrina. Franklin never gave any clues as to what caused the illness or if the other woman even lived. That bodes well, right? Oh, also during this exchange Katrina lets it slip that she’s wearing an enchanted necklace that allows her to converse with Abraham. Ichabod is not amused.
Away from all this middle school drama, Abbie is making progress. She is on the case…following a minion holding a case. Dude enters an abandoned warehouse and Mills follows. So, is Sleepy Hollow suffering from a manufacturing recession? There is a seriously high number of empty industrial buildings in this tiny town.
In a clean room in the warehouse, one minion is on the phone while the other wrestles with a tablet that is obviously the baby cousin of the Rosetta stone. Abbie snaps photos of everything on her cell phone before stumbling into a gurney with a corpse on it. A corpse with the same black lines that now cover Katrina. Ah, it seems Henry is thorough. You don’t just give unknown blood spiders to your target without running human trials first to work out the bugs.
Get it? Sorry.
The guards are alerted by the noise but studied at the school of “Metal Gear Solid” sentry duty. Abbie not only manages escapes undetected but is able to take more pictures on her way out. Oh look, a crib and a delivery table. Did Henry IMPREGNATE Katrina with Pestilence? Is there really time to raise a Horseman to maturity? It would be a kind of poetic justice though, right? Katrina Crane, Uterus of the Apocalypse.
We’re in the home stretch now, folks. Only two episodes remain. After the elves or whatever showed up last week to save the Earth from a deadly solar flare, Clara Oswald’s lies to Danny Pink finally caught up to her. Will she be able to keep him from leaving her? Does she even want to? Everyone take a deep breath, because we’re headed into “Dark Water.”
Never before has Clara — or perhaps any companion — sounded so similar to the Doctor. Ms. Oswald is on the phone with Danny but she’s telling him to shut up, shut up, shut up, despite the fact that he can’t get a word in edgewise. We can deduce that Danny was on his way over to get the explanation he deserved. But as we all know, sometimes it’s easier to talk when you can’t see the other person’s face.
So in a fit of nerves, Clara has covered her wall in post-it notes about both her current feelings towards her beau and her past adventures with the Doctor. Armed with this cheat sheet, she called Danny in a bit to avoid face-to-face confrontation. The most important thing for Mr. Pink to know? Clara loves him. And not in a rote way. The words “I love you,” from Clara belong to Danny now, and he is the last person who will ever hear her say them. Which, because this is television, means something irreversibly devastating immediately follows her ominous declaration.
Danny Pink is dead. Hit by a car while crossing the street. The show glosses over the specifics, giving us a voice-over eulogy while Clara stands in the middle of street staring at Danny’s memorial on the sidewalk. She’s is obviously devastated and yet I feel nothing. Danny was so peripheral to the season that his loss — to me — is almost a relief because now Clara doesn’t have to choose. I assume this is not the reaction they were going for. Look, I get not wanting to rinse and repeat the Ponds by having Clara’s boyfriend tag along in the TARDIS, but not doing so hindered the writers ability to show the process of them falling in love.
ANYWAY. Whether or not I’m distraught over the loss Danny Pink matters not, because Clara is. Standing in her kitchen, she calls the Doctor because her boyfriend dying wasn’t terrible. It was boring and ordinary and Clara knows she is OWED better than that. She has a point. After all, she did throw herself into the Doctor’s time stream and shatter herself into a thousand thousand pieces to keep him alive. The least he can do is bring Danny back from the dead.
“What can I do for you Clara?” asks the Doctor, after finally answering the phone, Without warning, we are transported to the climatic battle from “Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith.” Twelve awakens on a rocky volcanic ledge and Ms. Oswald eerily appears from the fog of war with fire in her hands.
Note to self: do not kill Clara’s loved ones or she’ll go all Galadriel holding the One Ring on you.
Back in the present, our heroine boards the TARDIS in a fit of forced cheer. She wants to see a volcano. No reason, just needs to see one. Preferably now. As she chatters on to distract Twelve, she’s collecting the TARDIS keys. Why she knows where all of these are is proof the Doctor is either going senile or has put way too much trust in her. Finally, she steals a sleep patch and in one swift movement slaps it on Twelve’s neck. So, thanks for that mini-flashback I guess?
Standing on the edge of the lava pit, Clara Oswald channels her best Anakin Skywalker. Only lava can destroy a key to the TARDIS and she has all seven in her hand. To prove she is serious, Clara lobs one into the waiting volcano. If being a companion doesn’t work out, she’s got a great future as a hyper-competent super villain ahead of her.
Danny Pink is dead and Twelve is going to fix it or she will destroy every single key to the TARDIS. “Hahaha,” says Twelve. He can’t just bring people back from the dead because of time loops and paradoxes and other wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff.
Clara basically says bullshit, and chucks a TARDIS key. She knows the Doctor is trying to regain control of the situation and the stand-off continues until she’s had it with his manipulation and throws the whole fistful of keys into the lava. “YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE,” screams the Doctor…in my version anyway. In reality, Twelve stares in disbelief. He seriously underestimated the depths of Clara’s grief and now he’ll never again fly away in his precious blue police box and they’re both gonna die here on Mustafar.
Even realizing what she’s done, Clara is brutal in her non-apology. “I’m so sorry but I’d do it again.” She is shaping up into one hell of a Time Lady.
Satisfied with how far Clara would go to save Danny, the Doctor ends the charade. The patches weren’t sleep aids, but lucid dreaming aids. None of that actually happened because he stuck one on Clara to see the lengths she’d go to. On the one hand, I’m glad they don’t have to waste precious side-plot minutes on getting back into the TARDIS. But on the other hand, I want to strangle the Doctor with his own arrogant manipulation.
Clara is too numb to even be angry that she got played. She utterly betrayed the Doctor and it didn’t even save Danny. She asks “What now?” and Twelve tells her to “Go to hell.” But hahaha, just kidding. It was merely convenient Time Lord literal-ness. He doesn’t want Clara to go to hell. They’re both going to hell to get Danny back. Duh. In a rare moment of sincerity the Doctor questions “Do you think I care so little for you that it would matter if you betrayed me?”
And every Whovian down in Whoville swore the Doctor’s hearts grew three sizes that day.
Throwing caution to the wind, the Doctor turn off all the TARDIS safeties (again) and shoves Clara’s hands into Sexy’s brain (again). I’m actually impressed this plot device came back up. Before long, the TARDIS has telepathically linked itself to Danny Pink and we’re off on an adventure to wherever people go after they die.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Meanwhile, Danny Pink is waking up in Seb’s office in “Heaven.” I’m still not sure if Seb is an auditor of sins or an afterlife orientation guide or what and the show isn’t interested in clearing up my confusion. But it is interested in appeasing me by finally revealing what the Nethersphere looks like. Danny thrusts open the curtains to reveal the afterlife looks like Neo-Tokyo and Blade Runner had a baby and shoved it into a sphere. A city skyline stretches out and up, defying gravity and several laws of physics.
Not that it matters, since Danny won’t be sticking around long. The TARDIS has landed and the rescue party is on the way. Or not. The Doctor warns Clara this isn’t where Mr. Pink is, just the next spot his time stream likely crosses with Clara’s. Twelve also tell her to buck up. I mean, they’re about to get her boyfriend back from the dead…by way of creepy mausoleum.
Sexy has brought her passengers to a never-ending crypt full of fish tank after fish tank of human skeletons sitting in chairs. What is the purpose of this? I mean, other than to be creepy enough to give Pinhead nightmares? Oh wait, it just got worse because one of the skeletons moved to watch Clara and the Doctor walk by.
TIME TO GO.
Much like Sarah Silverman, Chris Rock did not have the most illustrious career at “Saturday Night Live.” But much like Silverman, Rock is returning to host with a post-“SNL” resumé that is extremely impressive. It will be fascinating to see how much of Rock’s tumultuous time at the show is explicitly addressed, and how much the show’s current cast composition feeds into the narrative of tonight’s episode.
The program has taken great strides over the past year to combat outcries following its hiring of six Caucasian cast members two summers ago. And now, the show boasts five African-American cast members, by far the most at one time in its history. Does that automatically make the show better? Of course not. But it sure as hell makes the show more reflective of the culture it’s designed to satire on a weekly basis. The show’s work isn’t done, insofar as it will never be done. But there’s almost certainly a link between the show’s comedic resurgence this season and its embracing of new voices to augment its already hallowed perspective. The show has changed since Rock left. And as of right now, in terms of its relevance to the world around it, the show hass changed for the better.
“The moral of the story is, don’t fall in love with your brother’s girl.”
Damn it Kai. Of course you had to go and do … that. Let’s get our witchy woo together and sink our teeth right into Thursday night’s “The Vampire Diaries,” shall well?
Haven’t gotten around to Tuesday night’s latest edition of “Sons of Anarchy” just yet? Well then flex those clutch hands, light up another smoke and get your reflecting faces on so that we can chat all about it here.
After the 800th time it was revealed that Katrina lied to her husband via omission last week, can Ichabod still trust his wife? Have all the her secrets even been revealed? Smart money is on no.
But while Crane deals with his marriage crisis, there are other threads unraveling in “And the Abyss Gazes Back.”
Ichabod Crane has withstood numerous tortures, but yoga is where he draws the line. Inversions might help Abbie clear her mind and work her buns — a word that is somehow offensive to Crane — but her attempts to teach inner peace to her partner fail miserably. On the plus side, Crane looks good in a modern shirt and with his hair down.
But how can Ichabod concentrate on relaxation with Katrina on his mind? Abbie manages to coax a few truths from him: Crane is peeved and hurt by his wife’s actions and would much rather get drunk and forget. Mills acquiesces. To the pub!
Ichabod toasts George Washington and I begin to wonder if the name of our first President is some sort of incantation. If Crane doesn’t say it at least once a day, will the centuries crash down upon his body, causing him to rapidly age and turn to dust? It is the only explanation.
Before our heroes can get nice and sloshed though, a bar fight breaks out and Abbie has to go be a cop. Lame. But it’s not just any bar fight, it’s one started by Joe Corbin. Yes, as in the returning prodigal son of the late Sheriff Corbin. The barkeep tosses out the troublemakers and Abbie follows. But little Joey Corbin is not happy to see her. Maybe Mills shouldn’t have cold opened with “Hey, I (and presumably the rest of the town) heard about your platoon dying and your honorable discharge from the army. So how’s life otherwise?” The young Corbin blows her off with a remark about never forgiving Abbie for getting his dad killed. Well, he ain’t wrong.
Sidenote: We’ve heard plenty about Mrs. Mills being haunted by demons, but nary a peep about Mr. Mills. I wonder what supernatural skeletons are hiding on THAT side of the family tree.
Meanwhile in the woods, a monster with glaucoma and/or vaseline in it’s eyes prepares to murder some rednecks.
Abbie is driving Ichabod home and we get some more background on her relationship with Joe. She used to babysit him and the child was obsessed with Superman. Crane tries to place Supes’ alter-ego but lands on Peter Parker instead of Clark Kent. WHERE IS YOUR PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY NOW, CRANE?
Oh wait, he’s just drunk enough to “win” the breathalyzer test. Fine, he gets a pass. But Crane gets to sober up quick because out of nowhere, a demonic deer! Yep, it totally ate those rednecks. RIP.
But not all of them. Joe survived the encounter. Well, “survived” is relative since he is calling for his dad and ominously repeating “It’s gonna kill us all” over and over while staring at nothing.
The next day, Abbie shows up at the hospital to get a statement, but young Corbin is still hung up on this whole “My dad liked you better than me and you repaid his favoritism with death” thing. Mills points out she’s here as a cop and Joe was the only survivor, but hey don’t let a festering emotional wound get in the way of obstructing a police investigation. Corbin pouts.
Over at Terrytown, War is still gloating over tricking Captain Irving into selling his soul. I still cry foul, but it’s not like there’s a hotline to call to get demons disbarred for not playing fair. Henry tells Irving the only way to get his soul back is to kill another person, a soul for a soul. To me this sounds a lot like a genie deal where Henry is technically telling the truth but you know it’s a trap. You just don’t know how. Irving is equally suspicious but Henry presents an enticing carrot. The drunk that hit Irving’s daughter is also in Terrytown. The good Captain doesn’t have to murder an INNOCENT person.
War, you sneaky shit.
At the Exposition Library, Crane quickly cuts to the heart of the matter. Joe Corbin is obviously the monster. The question is what kind? His evidence seems lacking at first: “Dying men cry for their mothers, not their fathers.” But then he is vindicated when Abbie realizes young Corbin’s platoon was attacked the exact same way. Everyone died but Joe and one of the victims was missing his organs. Either that’s one hell of a coincidence or Joe is eating people.
Obviously this reminds Crane of his good friend Daniel Boone — insert my indignant eyeroll here — and Boone’s younger brother Squire. Abbie neglects to ask “Who names their kid Squire?” as Ichabod talks about soldiers who were never the same after battle. Some of them just never came back mentally. Mills is like “We call that PTSD now, but please go on with your story about Daniel Boone’s cannibalistic brother.” Turns out Squire tried to kill and eat Daniel Boone because he was traumatized and/or was a Wendigo.
Living in a universe with Horsemen of the Apocalypse and Demons-of-the-Week, our heroes figure this is a legit theory and head to Corbin’s house to confront him. Joe isn’t in but there’s meat on the counter and a video game on pause. Crane is confounded by the modern age’s ideas of relaxation. Mills finds a clue, which cuts Ichabod’s pretentious “Back in my day” rant short. Looks like Joe was reading his dad’s will, in which the elder Corbin left his son in charge of some serious artifacts. Including one hidden right near where the Wendigo attack was last night.
The Scooby gang springs into action! Well, more like they slow crawl into action because it is the middle of the night before Crane and Mills stumble across Joe. Corbin has just unburied in ancient box/urn, but he’s not giving up this prized possession to dumb old Abbie. He bolts and our heroes give chase. It doesn’t take long for Ichabod to cut himself on some barbed wire, and that’s all it takes for Joe to go all Wendigo-y, which honestly looks like the world’s most terrifying Jackalope.
They run. But for an unwieldy, top-heavy demon, Corbin is surprisingly agile. He quickly overtakes Crane and for the umpteenth time Abbie comes to the rescue. This time in the form of tranquilizer darts. Forewarned is forearmed, indeed.
Will it be third time’s the charm for Jim Carrey and “Saturday Night Live”? We shall see as the show returns from its first hiatus this season. When Carrey last hosted in January 2011, only five current cast members were still around. That offers up a lot of new comedic combinations tonight. Plus, as Carrey looks to plug his upcoming film “Dumb And Dumber To,” don’t be surprised to see Jeff Daniels pop by, hopefully in full Will McAvoy mode. (After all, “The Newsroom” is already plenty funny, and sometimes even intentionally so.)
As per usual, I’ll assign grades to each sketch while liveblogging all the action. As per usual, I urge you not to get bent out of shape should these grades not align with your own. If you did, well, that would be super strange and kind of boring. See you at 11:30 pm EST when things kick off properly.
After a series high last week where audiences played at being a Time Lord, complete with all the haunting decisions that stick with you forever, what adventure will our plucky heroes get up to this week? With no real villain* to tie the season together, it’s like getting dressed in the dark as to what theme we’ll be exploring each week is. Will there be ramifications to Clara’s psyche for letting people die on her watch? Will Danny discover her lies? Only time will tell “In the Forest of the Night.”
*Obviously Missy is the Big Bad™ (or the Big Red Herring™) but she’s too mysterious to be properly afraid of. She hasn’t even welcomed anyone to “Heaven” in forever.