The big question heading into this third season of “Glee”: would having more than three writers contributing to the show make a noticeable difference? Would it still be a schizophrenic mess that could occasionally pull itself up from the mire of mediocrity and produce powerful television? Would it gain strength through the influx of new voices? Or would it get pulled in even more disparate directions than ever before? The answer, after tonight’s premiere episode, seems to lie behind Door #1. It’s still “Glee,” for better or worse. Tonight? Mostly worse.
Well, here we are, “Big Brother” fans, at the end of a long journey. A long, long journey. We’ve seen the good, we’ve seen the bad, we’ve seen the Zingbot 3000…we’ve seen it all. And now we all new eyeglass prescriptions. As a newbie to the franchise this year, I have little by which to compare this iteration to previous seasons. From reading your comments all summer, it seems like most of you disliked the pairs’ competition that started the summer, disliked the newbies, and didn’t particular clamor for the return of these veterans. Other than those small little details, hey, you seemed to love it.
Since it’s the finale, and I’m not sure how things will all play out, I’m going to adopt Fienberg’s timestamp approach to recapping. So once more unto the house, the silicon implants, and the unbelievable chance that Adam might actually walk of this competition as the winner.
And so it has come to this: Andy Bellefleur has a more interesting sex life than anybody else on "True Blood" this season, and now the season is ending. Now that Marnie is dead, it’s about time to chisel Russell Edgington out of the cement and start killing off the ancillary characters that keep piling up like plastic Mardi Gras beads.
What a difference a week makes.
Last week, Adam was The Worst Player in "Big Brother" History.
Suddenly, Adam is The Worst Player in "Big Brother" History To Suddenly Go on a Winning Streak and Have All The Power in His Hands With One Week To Go.
How will the new Mad Despot handle his responsibilities? Will he cede his Head of Household room to Tori Spelling?
9:02 p.m. ET It's Day 69 in the "Big Brother" house. This doesn't cause Julie Chen to giggle. Good for her. She's a bigger person than I am. Heh. Day 69.
9:03 p.m. We begin, of course, by flashing back to Adam's shocking coronation as Head of Household, which came on the heels of Adam's not-so-shocking decision to keep the nominations in place and effectively send Kalia home. "Why do I always have to get blood on my hands?" Rachel muses after the eviction, wondering correctly what, exactly, Jordan is contributing to their power Jochel dynamic.
9:04 p.m. "I definitely wasn't a Reading Comprehension-type student," says Porsche, explaining why she lost the Head of Household competition. Adam, meanwhile, is looking forward to having the girls kiss his butt.
9:06 p.m. Wow. Is that the first time we've ever had a bar mitzvah picture in the Head of Household room? We're spared the moment at which Jordan asked Adam what a "bar mitzvah" is. I'm just assuming this moment occurred.
9:07 p.m. Nominations are coming soon and Porsche has to put pressure on Adam to keep her around. Porsche's argument is that if she and Adam went to the Top 2, it would force the Jury to give $500,000 to a Newbie, which Adam admits would be nice. Next to genuflect at the feet of the new king is Rachel, who is visibly disgusted at the idea of kissing "a floater's butt."
9:10 p.m. "I've got these three beautiful women working for me now," Adam slobbers. Dude, you're a eunuch at an orgy. Jordan's best argument is that Porsche doesn't deserve to be in the Final Three. She's "fustrated" [my perennial favorite Jordan malapropism] that Porsche is able to use "her feminine ways" to distract Adam. To Jordan's credit, she isn't leaning over and showing off her cleavage as she says this. Jordan senses that she's about to become the Odd Hottie Out.
9:16 p.m. Adam is about to make his big decision and both Jordan and Rachel are convinced that they're due to be nominated. Adam utters some dumb platitudes about the stakes getting higher and how little room there is for error and how important his nominations are and blah blah blah. There's only one key in Adam's Roulette Wheel and it belongs to... Rachel. That means Jordan and Porsche are up for eviction. He explains that Rachel previously won PoV and took herself off the Block and now Jordan or Porsche will have to do the same. Porsche says she's glad she left her lip-gloss on the Block. This ought to be euphemistic in some way. It's not. Jordan tells herself to stop lollygagging. Also not euphemistic.
9:23 p.m. This is the Most Important Power of Veto of The Summer.
9:24 p.m. The Challenge is "Jukebox Veto." It involves players' names and matching them to certain "Big Brother" milestones from the season. Because this is a mental challenge, it doesn't instantly seem to play to Jordan's strengths. Or to Porsche's strengths. The player names have to be slotted on a pole and somebody cattier than I am might suggest that Porsche shouldn't be that confused about how to work a pole, but she's a VIP Waitress, darnit, not a stripper! Despite an unusual strategy, Porsche finishes her list first, but she's wrong and has to start over.
9:28 p.m. Porsche corrects her error and WINS! I take back every mean thing I said about her intellect. "I'm just mad cuz I can't do anything right," Rachel cries. "This wasn't supposed to happen this way!" Jordan carps, calling her chances "pretty slim." Jordan even goes so far as to tell Rachel that after losing everything, she's the one who deserves to go home. "Yes, I deserve to leave," Jordan says with a candor that can only come from having won $500,000 just two summers ago. [She's absolutely correct.] "You don't take losing well," Jordan says to Rachel, as if they've never met before. "It stinks, but it's my fault I didn't win," Jordan says. [Wait. What the heck was up with that cutaway to Porsche happily showering?]
9:31 p.m. After a brief pity party, Rachel rubs her eyes, puts on a happy face and walks off to the Purple Room with Porsche. She butters Porsche up so effectively that Porsche blushes, giggles and declares, "I like your arguments."
9:36 p.m. "Do you choose to use the Power of Veto?" Julie asks, ridiculously. "I've been playing this game the entire summer," Porsche reminds us. She uses the Veto on herself and Rachel moves over and takes her spot on the Block.
9:38 p.m. Rachel calls Adam "amazing" and Jordan "a sweet, amazing, beautiful woman." Rachel then confuses herself talking to Porsche. "I know I'm going home, but it's been a great summer," Jordan says, adding that she loves Adam and that she has a whole new perspective on Rachel. "I know you love wearing bikinis and I know you love hosting competitions," Jordan says, summarizing what she's learned about Porsche in 69 days. Heh. 69 days.
9:40 p.m. "You're both beautiful women, from the inside out," Porsche says before confirming that Jordan has been evicted. Bye, Jordan. Her picture goes grayscale.
9:40 p.m. "I'm a little disappointed," Jordan tells Julie Chen. "I never talked to her. Ever. I know nothing about that girl. She's like a poker face to me," Jordan says, explaining why Porsche voted her out. "He had to put up somebody," Jordan says, philosophically understanding Adam's decision to put her on the block in the first place. "You can't trust anybody in here. Even if you're a mom, you still can't trust a mom," Jordan says of the lessons she learned from Shelly's betrayal. Jordan's amazingly well composed. Her answers are rational and appealing. I like Sentient Jordan.
9:44 p.m. Folks only have nice things to say to Jordan in their farewell messages. It's sweet and touching. "Our boyfriends have the bromance of the century, so we can have our chickmance," Rachel says, crying a little. Jordan is such a good soul she even made Rachel un-disgusting. That's an achievement. I may actually be rooting for Rachel at this point, which is bizarre and unsettling for me.
9:51 p.m. This is our Final Head of Household Competition and, of course, it's a three-parter. The first segment is called "The Big Brother Mixer." They're all holding only a mixer blade. Disappointingly, they're spinning over a pool of some yellow-y goo, not submerged in it. Spinning. Spinning. Spinning.
9:55 p.m. Spinning. Spinning. And they are, indeed, getting at least partially submerged. They're also getting pelted with some sort of viscous liquid, an ejaculate that barely seems to be touching Rachel, but has left Porsche positively drenched.
9:56 p.m. "Day 69, Getting Goop in Your Face," Rachel says. Nice. Before you can say Not--So-Accidental Bukkake, it's time to leave our hamsters. Spinning. Spinning. Spinning.
Well, OK. This is our Final Three. Are you rooting for Rachel, Porsche or Adam?
We’re getting down to the final days of “Big Brother,” with the power couple of Kalia and Porsche on the block for eviction. Read that sentence again. If you saw that coming when the season started, well, then I’m willing to take investment advice from you in this time of economic strife. The show has been throwing out twist after twist in these recent weeks in order to overcome a rather dull season, so it wouldn’t be surprising to see a few more monkey wrenches tossed in before the end of tonight’s hour. But short of tonight’s PoV contest being “Who Can Run Over and Hug Tori Spelling The Fastest?”, let’s just continue to assume Adam will keep his winless streak alive. That’s about the only constant left at this point.
Onto tonight’s recap…
Before we dive back into the gooey donut competition, let's just take a moment. Can you believe Adam has stayed in the house for this long? Me, neither. Part of me is impressed by his ability to skate through without winning anything and part of me finds it depressing thinking he could win the whole thing just by being a likable oaf with a "90210" obsession. But hey, Adam's doing pretty well in this HOH competition, so maybe he'll break his losing streak.
After "Big Brother" went into a rut for July and much of August, things have certainly been shaken up over the past week, with last Thursday's double-eviction marathon leading to a seemingly huge momentum swing for the Newbies only to see the pendulum sway back again after Porsche's strategically faulty Pandora's Box decision, the resurrection of the Duo Twist and Rachel's clutch Power of Veto win. As this week's eviction episode begins, the Newbies are suddenly facing the choice between losing Adam or Shelly, based presumably on whether they prefer lumpy jellyfish or over-tanned flip-floppers.
Let's see how the vote goes down...
When is $5,000 more than $500,000? When you’re Porsche and you’re Head of Household in the home stretch of “Big Brother,” that’s when. Had anyone but Porsche been HoH, I’m not sure the game would have slipped Pandora’s Box into the room. Because who else would be silly enough to open it at this stage in the game? Doing so netted her a cool 5K, but also opened the door for Rachel and Jordan to stave off elimination, as the Duo Twist is back in effect now for one week. It’s Rachel/Jordan vs. Kalia/Porsche vs. Shelly/Adam. Just as we all predicted when this started a few months ago. Cough.
Onto tonight’s recap!