Recapping Television's Hottest Shows with Monkeys as Critics
Would Dame Helen's salty British wit lead to a good episode?
I have to say I can’t quite figure out the number of lengthy breaks during this season of “Saturday Night Live.” After tonight, there won’t be another episode until early May, when Tina Fay returns to host for the third time. That’s essentially a month in between episodes, which might give the show’s featured players more time to make feature films but doesn’t appease many with a love for as much new “SNL” as possible. (Or those with a love/hate relationship with the show, a demographic that probably far exceeds the former.) Hopefully tonight’s Dame Helen Mirren/Foo Fighters edition will provide enough good vibes to last us through Easter Sunday.
It’s not as if the show will struggle to find things in Mirren’s wheelhouse: she can pretty much do it all, and do it better than anyone. Let’s hope there’s some material for her to really sink her teeth into tonight. Only one way to find out! Onto the recap…
Mommyâ€™s back, but is she in cahoots with Klaus?
It’s been a long time since we’ve seen “Vampire Diaries,” but let’s rewind. Isobel is visiting Elena! Isobel is Elena’s vampire mom! Jenna answers the door! Rick is Jenna’s boyfriend and Isobel’s husband! Jenna thinks Isobel is dead! This is all really not good! For someone! Probably Jenna! And Elena, who is always pissed about something or sulking about something, has something new to sulk about. Phew, I’m exhausted and we haven’t even started yet.
[Full recap of Thursday's (April 7) "The Vampire Diaries" after the break...]
Constantine Maroulis performs and somebody surprising goes home
This bears repeating: On Wednesday (April 6) night, we saw performances from the "American Idol" Top Nine. That means there were nine performances and three judges' critiques per performance. That's 27 individual evaluations over 90 minutes and not a single one of those 27 evaluations was what I would describe as "negative."
The performances on Wednesday were decent, but they weren't *that* good.
This is the second straight week in which all three judges were afraid to say anything resembling a discouraging word. And so, for the second straight week, it's a wide-open field with elimination approaching on Thursday. I predicted Stefano going home, with Haley and Jacob also making the Bottom Three.
Was I right?
Click through for a full recap
The chefs are given a challenge so tough more than one canâ€™t complete it
Time for “Top Chef Masters”! I can’t decide if I like this show as much as regular old “Top Chef” because, even though the food always looks insanely good, the chefs tend not to be as insane. I mean, you’re not going to get a Marcel on “Top Chef Masters” simply because a weasel like Marcel is never going to get that far in life. Or at least that’s what I have to hope. Anyway, let’s take a look at our masters:
John Currence, City Grocery Restaurant Group
Suvir Saran, Dévi
John Rivera Sedlar, Playa
Alex Stratta, Stratta
Mary Sue Milliken, Border Grill
Traci des Jardins, Jardinière
Naomi Pomeroy, Beast
Hugh Acheson, Five and Ten
George Mendes, Aldea
Floyd Cardoz, North End Grill
Sue Zemanick, Gautreau’s
[Recap of the "Top Chef Masters" premiere after the break...]
As the Merge arrives and a Redeemed player returns, things get interesting
Pre-credit sequence[s]. The Zapatera Five return to camp after booting Sarita. Everybody's making feeble rationalizations about how they hope they've made the Tribe stronger, while Julie says they need to win a couple challenges in a row. I do believe they're closing the barn door, but all the goats and chicks and horses and cows already got loose. Meanwhile, Sarita arrives at Redemption Island, impressed with the Swiss Family Robinson set-up that Matt has made for himself over the past 10 years of isolation. Matt, clearly getting a bit worn down by his captivity on Redemption Island slurs, "I was quite happy to see her, because she doesn't appear to be too incredibly tough." At Matt's urging, Sarita reflects on the challenge-losing awesomeness of Zapatera, giving her particular seal of approval to Marine Mike. Matt listens patiently. Up until this point, Matt has been planning on realigning with his Team Rob allies, but listening to Sarita, he seems to be having a change of heart. Perhaps starvation has messed with Matt's math skills?
Full recap of Wednesday's (April 6) "Survivor: Redemption Island" after the break...
Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker shoots the girls
Goodbye Monique, ye of the couture perma-scowl and a voice that only a boutique owner in Malibu could love. You were a ray of sunshine, that is, if the sun were a black hole made of tar and the nightmares of child slaves.
The judges love all of the remaining 'Idol' finalists equally
It's Songs Related Vaguely to The Rock -n- Roll Hall of Fame Night on "American Idol." How would the Top 9 handle the nebulous possibilities?
Click through for my recap of Wednesday's (April 6) show...
One of the ladies is sent home and Selena Gomez sings
I can’t say I have much expectation built up for tonight’s super! Dramatic! And tense! Elimination! If Wendy Williams doesn’t go home, then I’ll be surprised, but seriously, unless it’s opposite day, she probably already has her suitcase of enormous false eyelashes and hair extensions flying home ahead of her.
Sophia makes a call, Sean gets tough, The President gets shady
One episode in and I already miss Thomas. And no, it’s not a good sign that I have routinely maligned “The Event,” week after week, and yet begin this week’s review with a note of nostalgia. “You Bury Other Things Too,” however, confirmed my fears of where the show is heading with the major characters we’re now stuck with. Sophia is Hitler, while Martinez is probably Roosevelt at his Japanese-interning worst, but for the sake of simplicity, let’s just call him Stalin. Bluntly, I hate the entire set up. Thomas’ death has committed “The Event” to a path I would hate even if the show were well executed.
One of the contestants hits the floor -- literally
Tonight is the night of emotional dances. This seems like it would be fun, but really it’s just the Night of a Lot of Dances Dedicated to Dead People. Which is better than some of the other dances, which our self-absorbed celebrities have dedicated to themselves. Yeah, don’t you love Hollywood? Anyway, it’s a long night, so let’s get to it.
Just in case you care, the “DWTS” Troupe demonstrates the many dances of the evening. What I’ve learned from this that all of the dances look a lot better when professionals do them. Thanks, “DWTS” Troupe!