<p>Daniele of 'Big Brother'</p>
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Daniele of 'Big Brother'

Credit: CBS

Recap: 'Big Brother' Wednesday - Another PoV Shakeup

Would the Veto mess with Daniele's nominations or perfect them?

I’m not much for prognostication, as a general rule. But even if I were a long-term “Big Brother” viewer, I would have ceased long ago trying to figure out who is the favorite to win this season. Trying to apply things like “logical reasoning” to what’s gone down this year is a sure fire way to drive oneself crazy. The best way to think about anything that happens is to assume that the person making the latest bizarre decision just got hit in the head with a shovel by Julie Chen. If you go off of that premise, then everything else falls into place.

When last I dropped in on the show here at Monkeys as Critics, Kalia was HoH, Brendon was out of the house, and Lawon had only just come up with what certainly has to be considered one of the worst strategic moves in reality television history. Daniele managed to win HoH at a critical time in the game…only to put up two relative floaters instead of purging the field of fellow veteran competitors. My best guess at to why she did it?? Brendon is in fact a Dementor. It makes sense, in that every time I look at him I worry that I will never, ever feel happiness again.

Guess that means the next hour will be sour, if you’ll indulge a brief moment of recap poetry. Only one way to find out…

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<p>Ryan Kwanten of 'True Blood'</p>
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Ryan Kwanten of 'True Blood'

Credit: HBO

Recap: 'True Blood' - 'Spellbound'

Eric and Sookie just keep having sex as the witches and vampires battle

To quote the late George Harrison, here comes the sun, do do do do. And it’s not all right, Jessica. Get away from the door! God knows you couldn’t survive two minutes in the sun even if you were still a human and slathered in SPF 50! Oh no! Don’t die, Jessica!

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<p>Rachel of 'Big Brother'</p>
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Rachel of 'Big Brother'

Credit: CBS

Recap: 'Big Brother' Thursday - The Fifth Eviction and The Twist

Would Lawon or Rachel get sent home? And who would America vote back?

With Liane using the HitFix Family Slingbox for the "So You Think You Can Dance" finale, I'm recapping "Big Brother" on Pacific time this week. So far, I've managed to avoid finding out who the hamsters evicted this week and I've also avoided the identity of the departed hamster America wanted to give the chance to return to the game, though half of my Twitter feed was blessing America and half was cursing this great nation of ours.

So click through for the minute-by-minute slog to this week's vote...

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<p>Kalia of 'Big Brother'</p>
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Kalia of 'Big Brother'

Credit: CBS

Recap: 'Big Brother' Wednesday - More PoV Drama

Will Kalia's best-laid plans be thwarted by the Veto?

Previously on “Big Brother”: oh, you know what happened. Let’s not play games, you and I. Games are for the sad souls inside the “Big Brother” house. Rachel and Jeff are up for eviction, though either one has the chance to return to the house thanks to the latest twist in the game. Will both remain on the block? Since it’s PoV night, we’ll know by the end of the hour. Onto tonight’s events…

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<p>Deborah Anne Woll of 'True Blood'</p>
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Deborah Anne Woll of 'True Blood'

Credit: HBO

Recap: 'True Blood' - 'Cold Grey Light of Dawn'

As Antonia's plan becomes clear, silvering and introspection ensue

Welcome to the latest edition of "True Blood"! Well lookee here! Marnie and her spirit tenant have a brand-new pet vampire! And the pet vampire is helping Marnie escape from Bill’s super-well-lit kingly vampire hoosegow! But, hey, before we blow this joint: Vampire pet? Can you do Marnie a solid and kill that chick that posed as a witch before revealing herself as a pawn of Vampire Bill? Awesome! Thanks, pet vampire!

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<p>Porsche of 'Big Brother'&nbsp;</p>
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Porsche of 'Big Brother' 

Credit: CBS

Recap: 'Big Brother' Thursday - The Fourth Eviction

Did Brendon or Jordan get sent to talk to Julie Chen

Gotta start with big thanks to Ryan McGee, who's been filling in for me these past couple weeks while I've been covering Comic-Con and then the Television Critics Association press tour. While Ryan has been experiencing this season of "Big Brother" as a neophyte, I'm approaching Thursday (Aug. 4) night's episode from a different position of cluelessness, having missed two full weeks of episodes. In "Big Brother" land, two weeks is both a lifetime and the blink of an eye. I'm guessing that after I remember how to spell people's names, this won't be hard...

Click through for the minute-by-minute recap...

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<p>Brendon of 'Big Brother'</p>
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Brendon of 'Big Brother'

Credit: CBS

Recap: 'Big Brother' Wednesday - PoV Night endangers the Veterans

Will Brendon and Rachel be separated on Thursday night?

Last time on “Big Brother”: Daniele won Head of Household, Adam wore an elf costume, and Rachel and Porsche nearly caused the San Andreas fault to crack by running concurrently inside the house. Yikes. That was some bouncy TV, y’all. Also: Brenchel might be over, with the pair put on the block for elimination this week. Let’s see if the veteran alliance can hold in the face of their toughest challenge yet. But it still can’t be as tough as every time I have to type out the word “Brenchel.”

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<p>Anna Paquin of 'True Blood'</p>
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Anna Paquin of 'True Blood'

Credit: HBO

Recap: 'True Blood' - 'I Wish I Was The Moon'

A full moon brings about big changes for some characters

Breaking news from the city of Bon Temps: Sookie is just the most beautiful thing ever! Prettier than even the most well-stacked Viking lass bearing two gallon-tankards of mead, right Eric Northman? Eric? Hey! Eric! Stop making out with Sookie and answer me! Oh no! Here comes His Majesty King Vampire Bill running all fast and crashing into Sookie’s house and breaking up the bloodsucker-on-Tinkerbell romance! Bill arrests Eric in connection with this nebulous necromancy business. Sookie gets all pissy but can’t do anything.

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Recap: 'Big Brother' has a brand new HOH -- and the house is in turmoil
Credit: CBS

Recap: 'Big Brother' has a brand new HOH -- and the house is in turmoil

Rachel and Brendon aren't sitting so pretty this time around

So, the big twist we’ve all been waiting for… is that everyone’s playing individually? Seriously, Big Brother, this is called phoning it in. But it seems that, as feeble as that so-called twist might be, the house is being thrown into crazy-ass chaos anyway, so I can't complain too much.

The HOH competition is yet another boring test of upper body strength and viewer patience. And, as usual, the stakes are very, very high. At least, that's what the hamsters tell us, every damn week. Daniele has to win this HOH. Jeff has to win this HOH. Kalia has to win this HOH. Shelly has to win this HOH. Blah, blah, blah. Okay, in some cases, it's true. Daniele really does need to win HOH, because if the Jeff/Jordan/Rachel/Brendon block does win, it's pretty likely she's a target. But Shelly just wants to get a letter from her kid. She wants to win, but I'm not sure she has the ax-murderer level drive necessary to cling to a wall for hours on end while your lower body seems to do that ab workout Elizabeth Hasselbeck pimps in infomercials.

Oh, and Kalia thinks she’s public enemy one or two in the house. Really? I forgot she was on the show.
 
Adam is the first out after 9:10 minutes. I call wimp! But Adam's really just being strategic, as he knows he's not a likely target this week no matter who wins. After all, everyone's been screaming and yelling and freaking out over the so-called Daniele/Dominic betrayal and I think everyone's forgotten all about Adam and his "90210" obsession. In any case, he gets to open up a snowball that tells him he will wear an elf suit for one week. Not quite a banana suit, but this could be good fun nonetheless.
 
Lawon is out after 19:15. His snowball is suckier, in that he finds out he'll be a have-not for the week. Poor Lawon.
 
But not everyone is tired of the Elizabeth Hasselbeck infomercial ab workout. Porsche is excited to compete again. She wants to help the veterans! Really, Porsche? Porsche is not the brightest bulb. If she were my VIP room waitress, I'd check my receipt carefully.
 
Brendon is out after 35:22. Seriously, Brendon? You look like you could bench press a minivan and you can't handle this doofus test of stamina? Daniele can’t believe it, as she's having a grand time with her ab workout and isn't even tired. Rachel can’t believe it either, though she pretends to be supportive of her weeny fiance. Worse, Brendon is a have-not for the week.
 
The longer I watch this, the more I think Elizabeth Hasselbeck may be on to something. This has to be great for your core.
 
Just a thought -- I can’t believe Kalia and Shelly have outlasted Brendon. I can't believe Kalia has outlasted anyone, honestly. She does not strike me as someone who exercises her abs unless it involves hailing a cab.
 
Jeff, who apparently is only slightly less wussy than Brendon, jumps after 51:21. Daniele is, once again thrilled. On the bright side, Jeff wins the $10,000. Whoot!
 
Jordan does her best to hang in, but also falls after 57:29. Daniele is winning this. Daniele knows she's winning this, and she switches from looking smug to grinning malevolently. 
 
Ah, another snowball for Jordan. She is a have not. The only thing worse would be if the snowballs were yellow, if you know what I mean.

Next comes the snowstorm. Which looks like confetti or shredded plastic, so I'm not sure what this does other than create crap for the crew to clean up. But okay, oooh, snowstorm.
 
Porsche is having pain in her shoulder, which is, according to her, located in her elbow. She makes it to 1:16:33.
 
Brendon is a little bitter that so many girls have cleaned his clock in this competition. He says Kalia’s muffin top gives her an advantage, as it gives her something to hang on. Well, that's mean, but I'm not ruling it out as a possibility.
 
The veterans, realizing that the only person still in the competition who could show them mercy is Shelly, cheer her own. Ceaselessly. Kalia, not being brain damaged, is now suspicious of Shelly. She trusts Shelly 22 percent. That's actually a little high, Kalia.
 
Rachel is now pouting, as she is always wont to do. She thinks she could have won this competition. She thinks Brendon is a weak little baby. Why does she HAVE  TO  DO  EVERYTHING  AROUND    HERE? Oh, Rachel, I love that you and Brendon are just such a glimmering example of deep, deep dysfunction, but I imagine that if I was trapped in a house with the two of you I'd be looking for the sharpest knife in the kitchen to end my suffering.
 
Shelly, the veterans' last hope, drops after 1:26:54.
 
Brendon and Rachel hug. Daniele and Kalia quietly hate Rachel's guts.
 
Kalia, finally realizing she isn't exactly public enemy number one or two with Daniele, jumps after 1:37:01. Daniele wins HOH. She’s back in the game! Daniele and Kalia dance around the supply room. No one should feel safe, as Daniele intends to make some people sweat.
 
Rachel cries and silently resents Brendon. Kalia tries to tell Rachel she has no beef with her, and Rachel tells her she’s psycho. Not quite sure how the conversation jumped to that conclusion, but Rachel, pot, meet kettle. Brendon defends Rachel to Kalia, who stands there wondering what alternate loony land she stumbled into. In a spare bedroom, Rachel cries some more. Rachel doesn’t know why everyone is so mean to her! Brendon assures Rachel that Kalia is a nobody-psycho-loser-nobody. Brachel (Brenchel? Rachdon? Can we find a combined name that rhymes with Batcrap Crazy?) scare me a little.
 
Daniele assures Jordan she isn’t going after her or Jeff. Jordan hugs her but she isn’t buying it. Jeff thinks it’s go time. He needs Jordan to think positive. Yeah, Jeff, maybe she'd be feeling more positive if you hadn't dropped off the ab roller exercise like a dead tick.
 
Everyone tromps up to see Daniele's HOH room. Daniele lets Lawon rock the HOH robe. Rachel notes that everyone seems deeply depressed, which is unusual, because she thinks everyone usually likes to see the HOH room. Oh, Rachel. You think no one wanted to claw their eyes out every time you've won? That's almost sweet.
 
Lawon talks to Shelly and Jordan about being gay. His grandmother knew he was gay and told him to be the best black gay man he could be. Cool grandma, Lawon! Lawon is playing for the teenagers, though I wish he'd play a little harder if he's trying to be a role model. Right now, it seems like he's trying to tell the next generation to float and fly under the radar without trying too hard.
 
Jeff and Jordan go up to Daniele’s HOH room. Jeff admits his feelings were hurt by being targeted. Daniele asks for a truce next week if she doesn't target them this week. Jeff takes it. I almost wish he hadn't, as I don't think they needed to. Daniele is clearly gunning for Rachel and Brendon, if you ask me.
 
Adam gets into his elf costume. Jeff notes that he didn’t imagine that elves at the North Poe chain smoked, but he never imagined Adam, I'm sure. Adam is a foul-mouthed, chain-smoking elf. Probably a lot like David Sedaris in the "SantaLand Diaries."

The hamsters get bored. Rachel and Porsche jog around the house. Rachel trips. And keeps going. Where’s the hamster wheel?
 
Wow, have-not food is mighty nasty this week – sardines and seaweed. Jordan had a bad experience with fish in kindergarten. I guess Jordan is going to be losing weight this week, as is Brendon and Lawon. Even if they like sardines, these have to be the ugliest ones in the "about to go bad" discount section of the local Ralph's.
 
Rachel and Brendon go kiss Daniele’s ass. Daniele genuinely likes Brendon and Rachel. Or at least that's what she says, though I'm fairly sure she's lying through her teeth. Brendon suggests a deal, but Daniele tells them she’s not making deals. Uh-huh. Yeah, lying through teeth. They wrap things up with big hugs all around. Yeah, Brachel (Brenchel, Rachdon, Nutballs) is done for.
 
Daniele isn’t afraid to get blood on her hands. This does not surprise me. I think she might actually like getting blood on her hands, truth told.
 
Time for nomination ceremony!
 
Adam is safe.
Kalia is safe.
Shelly is safe.
Lawon is safe.
Jordan is safe.
Porsche is safe.
Jeff is safe.
 
So, Rachel and Brendon are screwed. Daniele says it isn’t personal. But Rachel is taking it personally. It’s war! Jeff is amazed Daniele didn’t put him on the block. He wants to win the veto to keep the nominations the same. Wha? Wow, Jeff, maybe get rid of a few floaters before you bust up your alliance! Although I can't blame him -- he's probably about to lose his mind listening to Rachel's laugh for so many weeks.
 
Do you think Daniele's making the right move? Are you ready to see Brachel broken up? Who do you think will win the POV?
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<p>Caitlynn of 'So You Think You Can Dance'</p>
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Caitlynn of 'So You Think You Can Dance'

Credit: FOX

Recap: 'So You Think You Can Dance' - Eliminations and Gaga

Two dancers go home and Lady Gaga performs

Well, it’s another Thursday and another two contestants sadly must be sent home. Thankfully, “So You Think You Can Dance” has some of the more entertaining elimination episodes on reality television so at least we have a few things to look forward to before we must face the sadness. Also, this week there’s no awkward product placement, which is always a plus.

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