Sleepy Hollow - S2_E3
Credit: FOX

Recap: 'Sleepy Hollow' - 'Root of all Evil' is exactly what you think it is

There's a new history buff in town, and he looks like Aquaman's hot cousin.

Last week Ichabod and Abbie raised a DIY Frankenstein’s monster, Jenny got arrested, War got his law degree and became Captain Irving’s attorney and Katrina got to hold the “idiot ball,” opting to stay a prisoner of Headless to glean information about his plot with Moloch.

So the “Root of all Evil” should obviously be good intentions gone wrong, as proved over and over by our heroes, but it probably has something to do with money. Let’s find out!

*******

We open with the Horseman of War carving a miniature woodwork of Terrytown Psychiatric because even harbingers of the End of Days need a hobby. The tiny Terrytown replica transforms into the real deal and we join Ichabod and Abbie already inside. They’re here to see Captain Irving but Henry has thrown a wrench into their plan. It turns out that in his haste to not receive electroshock therapy, Irving didn’t read that book he signed and it had a provision in it where Henry can bar any visitor to his client…namely ones named Abigail Mills and Ichabod Crane.

Insert your own joke about lawyers being the real evil, here.

Mills and Crane just missed Henry and despite not being allowed to let them inside, the Terrytown receptionist is apparently allowed to give out the lawyer’s personal information. This includes the name of the taxi company he called to whisk him away, because riding a fiery horse away from the psych ward is less than subtle, I suppose.

Meanwhile, Jenny is being sprung from lock-up and Sheriff Reyes is hanging out to watch because the chief of police has nothing better to do than harass the youngest daughter of an old acquaintance. Reyes continues her streak of ignorantly being the most insulting person in the world by comparing Jenny to a wayward dog Reyes used to own. One that would always run out into the road and chase cars…until one day the dog didn’t come back. Because it died. Because it didn’t listen to Sheriff Reyes. Reyes twists the knife deeper by ending with “I just don’t want to see you end up like your mother.” Yes, yes. We get it, Sheriff. You’re morally righteous. Get your condescending ass out of here!

Crane and Mills have tracked Henry’s taxi ride to the bank. They’re on an impromptu stake-out, waiting for their quarry to surface when Ichabod notices something odd inside the cafe. Two men are talking, holding hands. One of them is wearing a hat. Crane asks if that’s considered acceptable these days. He’s talking about wearing hats indoors and not homosexuality because he served with Baron von Steuben and watch the finale of “Glee” and just what is Abbie implying about Ichabod’s moral compass to assume he would condemn two men in love!?

Okay, calm down Ichabod. You’re wandering into Mary Sue territory. 

Finally, Henry exits the bank but before they can stalk War to his next location, shots are fired from inside the bank. Because of course they are. Sowing dissent is kind of War’s job description y’all. What did you think he was doing in there? ANYWAY, Crane is forced to stay outside while Abbie runs in because of stupid Sheriff Reyes’s new rules and he is not happy about it.

Inside, a security guard is dead on the ground and a bank teller with a 15 year tenure is losing her mind and robbing the bank. Mills plays everything right: she reminds the teller of who she is, and tries to talk her down from shooting any more bank employees or patrons. We know the teller is not in her right mind because the of weird dark sheen crossing her face and the ancient coin clutched in her hand. But Abbie’s skills as a negotiator are cut short as no-nonsense Sheriff Reyes shoots the poor possessed bank teller in the chest, killing her instantly. God, the “normals” are a worse menace to our heroes than the combined forces of hell.

Outside, Ichabod is pacing behind the police line like a good worried partner. As Abbie walks over to fill him in, I am once again struck by just how short she is! The height differential is freakin’ adorable. Abbie swears that the bank teller was the sweetest lady in the world and would never have gone on a murder spree. It must be War’s doing it. But how? As they wonder, a dirty hipster wanders off with the ancient coin in his hand and murder in his eyes.

Sometime later, we rejoin our heroes at the Exposition Library. Crane is complaining about skulking around the Sleepy Hollow underground to avoid Sheriff Killjoy, but his rant is cut short when the bank’s security footage reveals the teller stealing one of Henry’s deposited coins. The thievery sparks a memory in Ichabod from back when he was on a secret mission from General Washington…

…and can I just interject here that there is no reason other than bragging for Crane to still be starting EVERY SINGLE STORY with “Back when I did this secret mission for GENERAL WASHINGTON.”?? Dude, we get it. You were BFFs with the Founding Fathers. Just chill.

During a mission, Crane was helping retrieve a special shipment of coins from counterfeiters before they could melt them down. Special coins that look super ancient. Unless my eyes deceive me, those are  Roman coins stamped with the profile of Caesar. Of course the coins were evil, and the commanding officer who touched one later went on to betray the fledging nation. That man’s name? Benedict Arnold.

Oh, come on! Is there any super-important event Crane only heard about later on, instead of playing a starring role in?

Crane muses on the allegory of a coin sent to morally bankrupt the owner and we cut to the hipster who is totally building a bomb. This will not end well. 

Time to catch up with the world’s worst double agent. Katrina is “spying” on Headless and Henry again. By just casually standing around and listening to them talk in the other room. Either these guys want her to overhear their conversation or it’s just a carriage house full of ineptitude. Katrina has been getting to Headless, feeding him thoughts to question why War gets to be in charge and he, poor Horseman of Death, has to stay hidden. War is having none of it and finally tell his mom to butt right the hell out and stop messing with a simpleton who doesn’t even have a head to defend himself against her womanly wiles.

But wait just a damn minute, where did Katrina get this wardrobe change? I mean, if she’d put on some skinny jeans or a maxi skirt that’d be one thing but where does one get period-appropriate clothing for an out-of-time 18th century aristocratic woman? Not that she doesn’t look fetching, but what?

We’ll have to file the Mystery of the Blue Dress away for another day though, because Jenny has returned. Abbie was able to get her community service instead of jail time, but before she runs off to scrub graffiti from walls, Jenny casually mentions she knows a guy who might know something about the coins. After all, Jenny was part of the supernatural community for years while Abbie suppressed her memories.

Jenny also casually breaks into the police records using Abbie’s login, because she suspects Sheriff Reyes might not be the upstanding officer of the law she appears to be. And there is something weird. Reyes was the one who had Jenny and Abbie’s mom put away in Terrytown. Her testimony led to the Mills’ girls being put into foster care and orphaned after their mom committed suicide. Jenny is outraged. Abbie tries to hedge that Reyes was just doing her job and to be fair, their mom was out of her damn mind. Jenny freaks out on Abbie and leaves in an understandable rage.

With no other leads, Crane and Mills head down to the river to talk to Mr. Hawley. Because that’s where he hangs out…because he is Aquaman. More specifically, he is clearly Southern Gentleman Aquaman (SGA). Oh Lord have mercy, please let this disreputable dealer in supernatural antiquities be a new cast regular!

Ichabod is immediately suspicious. This man is obviously a pirate and not to be trusted and CLEARLY there is only room for one man with a sexy accent in Abbie’s life. Abbie disagrees.

After some prodding, SGA reveals that coin was probably a Tyrian shekel. Specifically, one of the 30 pieces of silver Judas accepted to betray Jesus. While Mr. Hawley doesn’t believe in all this supernatural hocus-pocus, he knows that people that do believe in such things pay handsomely for such things and he is totally down to help relieve them of their burden. Crane is outrage. Abbie is amused.

Suddenly, the flower shop explodes. Guess that hipster really hated his boss. Back at the Frederick estate, War puts the finishing touches on his miniature replica of Sleepy Hollow and smiles. Any minute now, Quasimodo is going to show up and burst into a rendition of “Out There.”

Sarah Silverman and Maroon 5

Sarah Silverman and Maroon 5

Credit: NBC

Recap: 'Saturday Night Live' – Sarah Silverman and Maroon 5

The former writer/castmember returns for the first time in two decades

By her own admission, Sarah Silverman wasn’t prepared for her last stint on “Saturday Night Live,” which only lasted 18 total episodes. But was it really a matter of her not being prepared, or simply that her brand of comedy has never matched up with that of the show? That doesn’t make one brand better than another, but certainly produces a potentially odd mix when the two sides reunite tonight. If the show can write to her strengths rather than force her into an uncomfortable mode, this could be quite the unique episode. If not…well, last week’s premiere was pretty good, right? (And I’ve already bought tons of swag from the “Pam 2: The Winter Pam” online store.)

Along for the ride tonight is musical guest Maroon 5. As always, I’ll grade each sketch live as they occur. As always, a vocal minority will take those grades as heinous affronts upon their own existence. I used to keep reiterating that these are snap judgments made from a singular perspective, but I think that message would have gotten through years ago at this point. Onwards and upwards!

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Doctor Who - Kill the Moon
Credit: BBC

Recap: 'Doctor Who' - Will we or won't we 'Kill the Moon'??

Well, that was an unexpected unplanned pregnancy metaphor. Meta.

In last week’s episode, Mr. Pink came face to face with the other man in Clara’s life…and he did not like what he saw. The show is finally dealing with how the Doctor takes on human companions who intrinsically trust him, even to the detriment of their own life. And how unhealthy that is. While “The Caretaker” was the Doctor in name, Moffat appears to be setting up Danny to care for Clara when Twelve finally pushes her too far.

But what will be the final straw? Maybe we’ll find out this week when the Doctor and Clara “Kill the Moon.”

*********

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<p>Courtney Love of &quot;Sons of Anarchy&quot;</p>

Courtney Love of "Sons of Anarchy"

Credit: FX

Recap: 'Sons of Anarchy' - 'Poor Little Lambs'

SAMCRO is hit where it hurts and Courtney Love makes a brief appearance

Still haven’t caught up on Tuesday night’s “Sons of Anarchy?” Well call up the dog walkers, dig up some dead bodies and tell that ghost to stop talking because that body count just keeps on rising and you might want to see it for yourselves.

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Recap: 'Sleepy Hollow' - 'The Kindred' by any other name is Frankenstein's monster
Credit: FOX

Recap: 'Sleepy Hollow' - 'The Kindred' by any other name is Frankenstein's monster

Real talk: Witches are kind of powerless in this universe.

By the end of last week’s Season Two premiere, Abbie had been rescued, Jenny had been rescued, and Katrina was still ensnared by Headless. Well, two out of three damsels no longer in distress ain’t bad? Unless Captain Irving counts (he totally does), in which case the distressed damsel to rescue ratio drops to an abysmal 50% success rate.

Can our heroes get the team back together by the end of “The Kindred”?

*************

The world is upside-down, literally, as Headless and his horse canter across the moonlit night. Headless is riding towards a circle of fire, and sticks, and human skulls. Because he is nothing if not a stickler for evil traditionalism. Katrina is with him, and it doesn’t take long until she’s tied to the altar at the center of the circle, set to be sacrificed/married while her son officiates. 

Henry pricks his mom’s hand and she is blood-bound to Headless. Gross. But right before they can be pronounced husband and recently decapitated wife…Ichabod wakes up. IT WAS ALL A DREAM! 

Now we’ll never know who shot J.R.

But the dream was more of a premonition since Crane has been doing research. According to the codices of exposition, Headless is totally going to bind himself to Katrina in unholy matrimony. Abbie cracks a joke about the wedding industrial complex and Ichabod gets to be offended that the sacred right of marriage has been turned into a billion dollar industry and fodder for reality TV. Abbie declines to point out that in Crane’s heyday, most marriages were more business deals than love affairs. Because she’s a better person than me.

Instead she distracts Ichabod before he can get fired up into an apoplectic “Back in my day,” rant, by asking him where Headless might be keeping Katrina. After all, before he was the fourth Horseman, he was just plain old Abraham Van Brunt. Crane totally knew him as a person and should be able to figure out where his ex-buddy would be hiding. But Abbie can’t stick around to hold Crane’s hand through it, she has to go meet the new LADY sheriff.

WHERE THE EVER-LIVING HELL IS ORLANDO JONES!?

Abbie missed roll call on the first day of school but that’s okay because she knows Sheriff Leena Reyes. Or more specifically, the Sheriff knows Abbie. Mills was too small to remember, but back when Reyes was an officer, she responded a few times when Abbie’s mom called the police…or had the police called on her. The nature of the disturbances is left vague. If I were a bettin’ woman, I’d say they involved demons but nobody believed her.

Anyway, Sheriff Reyes is tough as nails. She’s dealt with border patrol and drug cartels who leave body parts behind as warnings, so she’s not about to be spooked by some lone serial cop killer who decapitates people. Unlike Captain Irving, Reyes is going to restore sanity to Sleepy Hollow.

Excuse me while I laugh until the end of time. Oh man, poor newbie!

While Abbie was introducing us to this season’s non-believer, Ichabod figured out where Headless took his wife. To the family estate. Wow, really? You didn’t IMMEDIATELY think of that? Worst. Detective. Ever. 

Anyway, we get a quick flashback to the emerald necklace Abraham gave Katrina when they were betrothed, in case you forgot that Ichabod stole his best friend’s girl. This is what happens when the wish from “Jessie’s Girl” is granted. Your ex-best friend makes a deal with Satan to be come an immortal warrior of Death to avenge getting cock-blocked.

On their way to the Van Brunt estate, Abbie hedges that maybe they’ve lost focus on the big picture here. Trying to get Crane laid isn’t exactly going to stop Moloch from heralding the end of times. Ichabod points out Katrina is a super powerful witch and they need her help, despite doing just fine without her up until this point.

Look, I’m just gonna say it. We’re all thinking it. If Katrina was that powerful, she wouldn’t be playing budget Princess Peach. Self-saving is kind of what powerful witches do, isn’t it?

By the time Crane and Mills find the old Van Brunt carriage house, it is the dead of night because time in Sleepy Hollow is wonky as hell. Death’s horse — whom I shall be referring to as Binky from here on out — is outside, so they know this is the right place. Crane catches sight of his wife and is ready to bullrush the place but Abbie is all, “Calm down kamikaze. Let’s go back to Cabin Control and get a plan that doesn’t involve instant death.”

Our heroes make a tactical retreat. Again, pointing out that Jenny…boring old non-magical human Jenny…would’ve escaped from the Horseman of War four times over by now. Get it together, Katrina.

Speaking of Jenny, she’s back at Cabin Control with the Scooby gang to figure out their plan. Turns out Katrina’s coven of witches had been in league with Ben Franklin to stitch together a creature powerful enough to match the Horseman of Death. They called it the Kindred, but it’s totally Frankenstein’s monster. Wait, no. It’s Franklinstein’s monster! Unfortunately, they were never able to turn on their abomination because they needed something from the Horsemen of Death to power it. Without magical batteries, it’s just a super disturbing doll.

Meanwhile, Henry has moved into the creepy house from last season. But he’s not there long before Moloch comes a calling and we’re back in Purgatory. Like any lenient parent, Moloch finally remembered he should punish failure, but the message is kind of diluted when you wait that long to dish out punishment. Rookie parent mistake. Moloch is all blah, blah, blah, I’ll find my own way the mortal realm. Blah, blah, blah, don’t fail me again.

Whatever, dad.

Doctor Who - The Caretaker
Credit: BBC

Recap: 'Doctor Who' - 'The Caretaker' shouldn't quit his day job

Should saving the world mean purposefully endangering this many children?

Last week, Twelve and Clara went on an old-school high stakes bank robbery with a cybernetic human and a mutant human. As you do. The big takeaways were the Doctor hates himself — still — and he is actively competing with Danny for Clara’s affections. Not in a “the Doctor wants to shag Clara” way but in a “the Doctor needs to be the most important person, always and forever” kind of way.

This week’s episode is called “The Caretaker” and seems more character driven. Off we go!

********

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Chris Pratt and Kate McKinnon

Chris Pratt and Kate McKinnon

Credit: NBC

Recap: 'Saturday Night Live' – Chris Pratt and Ariana Grande

The "Guardians Of The Galaxy" star kicks off the show's fortieth season

Welcome back to another season of “Saturday Night Live,” everyone. It will be a momentous year for the show, as it seeks to shake off the hangover of last season’s uneven, sometimes turmoil-filled year. But in this, its fortieth season, there’s a lot about which to be optimistic. The cast is smaller, but its core cast is essentially intact, and those that “SNL” have added suggest a willingness on the show’s part to explore new comedic voices within its venerable institution.

Kicking things off will be recent box-office hero Chris Pratt, with the sister of “Big Brother 16” Frankie Grande serving as musical guest. (I just typed that in case Frankie has a Google search on his name. Sorry, Ariana.) I’m actually writing this from the road rather than my home, so I won’t have the usual luxury of pausing mid-show when needed. So things will be a bit faster and looser than normal.

For those that have followed along with my coverage for the past four seasons, nothing will really change this year. I’ll grade sketches one by one. These grades will threaten the very fabric of reality for some of you. The only big variation: I won’t be giving grades to the musical acts. It’s not my expertise, and talking about those segments of the show really doesn’t give a feel for how the episode’s comedy plays out on a weekly basis. I’ll discuss the music in the ending notes, but will omit as part of the ongoing liveblog.

We good? Good. On with the liveblog starting at 11:30 pm EST!

State Of The Union: Right off the bat, “SNL” takes on the NFL. Chris Pratt gets the plum role of Roger Goodell, a role that probably should have gone to a regular cast member. Seems like that will be a real-life person that will appear on a repeated basis, no? Ray Lewis (Kenan Thompson) and Shannon Sharpe (Jay Pharaoh) appear on “State Of The Union” to discuss the issue, only to further confuse the issue at hand due to their past actions and current verbal fumbles. (Pun intended.) The message is clear: It’s hard for many on-air personalities to discuss the current plights of players when they themselves have committed similarly illegal/suspect activities in the past. It’s more biting than the usual cold open, which is appreciated. Not a lot of real laughs, but some real meat on the bones. [Grade: B]

Monologue: First monologue of the year, and first song during the monologue of the year! Pratt is demonstrably nervous, but it’s endearing all the same. Pratt’s real-life wife Anna Farris is there to help support him, his nervous tics, and his verbal flubs. Oh boy. This premiere either be a shabby-but-happy party in which attitude rules comedic precision, or be an absolute mess. Time will tell. Hard to see much good here, but there was little truly bad, either. It mostly felt like it needed three more rehearsals. [Grade: C]

Cialis Turnt: It’s funny when white people dance to DJ Snake and Lil Jon, right? Wrong. [Grade: C-]

Alive Toys: Kyle Mooney is a child who wishes that his toys would come to life on his birthday. And lo, Pratt and Taran Killam turn into real-life versions of He-Man And Lion-O. Unfortunately, the two action figures don’t know anything about this world, so things like “cake” and “sister” confuse them. Sooner than you can say “hormones,” the pair are masturbating in the kitchen. Like ya do. This is a fine premise for the sketch, but Pratt’s timing is so off that the sketch more than occasionally dies. Not even Ariana Grande’s appearance as She-Ra saves the proceedings. The mess in the kitchen by the end of the sketch feels like a visual metaphor for the last twenty minutes. What works really works, but I can’t help but wonder what another two days would have done for this whole episode.  [Grade: B-]

Animal Hospital: Whoa, did NOT expect to see this one again. It’s a fairly cruel concept for a sketch, one that I thought would have revealed itself during its initial appearance last season. Unlike the last few segments, everything is crisply performed, but the idea of incompetent veterinarians gives me the heebies and jeebies. It just does, so this will never work for me. If it works for you, awesome. [Grade: D]

Marvel Can’t Fail: After “Guardians,” Marvel is super cocky. That’s why we are soon getting “Creatures Of The Cosmos,” “Bus People,” and “Pam,” all of which feature strange casts strolling through hallways to the sounds of “Hooked On A Feeling.” Maybe they have a point: I’d watch the hell out of “Pam 2: The Winter Pam.” What a silly, stupid concept for a sketch, but the sheer repetition here won me over. [Grade: B+]

Weekend Update: As a consolation prize for losing her anchor position, Cecily Strong returns as That Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party. She’s here to talk ebola, which she calls an “Obamanation” among other malapropisms. The last joke about her dad hating the selfie she took of them worked, but little else made Che stand out. Would "Update" neuter his personality and perspective? Luckily, almost immediately after that interview, Che lands solid joke after solid joke that sound like his stand-up/”Daily Show” brought to “Update.” Whew. Leslie Jones makes her second appearance on “Update” to discuss her singledom, which involves “Ghost Whisperer” reruns on ION. Whereas her last appearance was marked by audience confusion, but tonight she’s absolutely on fire, and the crowd is totally onboard. Finally, newbie Pete Davidson appears to discuss the monetary exchange needed for him to give a man oral sex. “I’m not gay. I’m a business man!” He keeps almost breaking, which immediately makes the audience love him. It helps that he’s immediately confident and has a perspective that feels fresh on the show. Some of his turns of phrase are just incredible. (“Once in the summer…so you have a GREAT summer!”) As for Jost: He was fine, but essentially forgettable. Amazingly, that’s an improvement over last year. And he and Che did team up for a "Cheer Up, President Obama" segment, suggesting ways in which the two can be a team instead of just two anchors occupying the same space. So good things all around! [Grade: A-]

Legends: Aidy Bryant’s character strikes up a flirtation with Pratt’s nerd, which is a meet-cute until it turns into a hip-hop verbal grindfest between the two. The pair have absolutely dynamite chemistry, and it’s never not funny hearing Bryant sing “Anaconda”. The sketch is high-concept, but simple in execution. There’s not a lot of there there, but it’s amusing all the same. [Grade: B]

Roommates: A similar Digital Short was cut last year during the Andrew Garfield episode, so God bless Mooney and Beck Bennett for trying again and succeeding this time. An incredible take on late-80’s/early-90’s TGIF-esque sitcoms, it takes the best of the Mooney/Bennett sensibility and marries it to some stellar editing and odd-as-hell touches. (That cut to the mystical castle made me laugh harder than anything else tonight.) As with all Digital Shorts by these two, this is an acquired taste. But damn did I love this. [Grade: A-]

NFL on CBS: A variation on the “Key & Peele” “East/West” sketch, this is all about the various crimes committed by the Ravens/Panthers players listed out one by one. A late appearance by Leslie Jones is funny, but the rest is “nice idea, mediocre execution.” I know Bismo Funyuns. I respect Bismo Funyuns. You, sketch, are no Bismo Funyuns. [Grade: C]

Video Game Testers: Vanessa Bayer (underused tonight) and Pratt are in-game characters that celebrate the completion of each level with excessive, amorous interactions. I could have watched about ten more minutes of those two melodramatically playing out their relationship, but apparently there’s not enough time. Oh well. I liked what was presented, but there wasn’t enough to take it to the next level that seemed incredibly within reach. [Grade: B]

Best Segment: “Weekend Update”. I have a special place in my heart for this part of the show, and it’s encouraging to see some life breathed into it. You could argue (and I wouldn’t disagree) that Strong should not have been the one to leave. But the Jost/Che combo is what we have, and it’s good to see “SNL” might be able to use this duo for more than simply sparing Jost’s feelings and not abandoning the show’s investment in him over the past few years.

Worst Segment: “Animal Hospital”. Just ugh.

How Was Ariana Grande? Great voice, but ultimately forgettable songs. I’m very curious where the current crop of female pop stars are eighteen months from now. Grande, Iggy Azalia, Charli XCX, and others are certainly having a moment now. But there’s (other than Grande’s headgear) to make them truly stand out at this point.

Overall Assessment: A sloppy start for most turned into a well-oiled machine by the end. Even if certain sketches didn’t work late in the episode, at least the show didn’t feel riddled with nerves and miscues. There were not many sketches involving lots of characters, which means we still don’t have a truly ensemble feel yet. But that might come soon enough. Plenty of time. I'm optimistic!

What did everyone else think of the premiere? Sound off below!

Outlander_S1_E8
Credit: Starz

Recap: 'Outlander' - We return to 1945 to see 'Both Sides Now'

While Claire has been fighting for her life, Frank has been searching for her.

Well, here we are. At the end of the line. It’s hard to believe this is the last episode until April! What am I going do? The temptation to read the book to find out what’s going to happen will be strong, but I will overcome! 

Last week we left Claire in a state of internal tug-of-war between her new husband Jamie and her first husband Frank. After an amazing night of wine-muddled honeymoon sex, the harsh light of day crashed in to remind her — and  us — that she’s been sidetracked from her mission.   As we gear up for a SEVEN MONTH break (whyyyyyyyyyy?), we’re going to see “Both Sides Now.”

**********

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Big Brother 16 finale

Recap: 'Big Brother' Finale: What We Learned From Every HG

Recap: 'Big Brother' Finale: What We Learned From Every HG

I don't know how to break this to you, but all you need to know about "Big Brother 16" is the following: Cody won the final HOH, could've guaranteed himself $500,000 by evicting Derrick over Victoria, and yet he didn't; that's because Derrick is too powerful a player with too much intuition and too much command, and he wrangled Cody into feeling obligated (I guess?) to give him $500,000. 

That is unthinkably sensational gameplay. It doesn't feel real. Week after week, we've watched Derrick move more pawns into place (or at least one pawn named Victoria) and choreograph a flawless victory for himself. It even feels like the look on Cody's face has been "silver-medal good sport" for about a month. I figured all along that Cody was this season's Shane from BB14, a studly gamer with a good alliance and no Machiavellian masterstroke, but he turned into this season's GinaMarie, a proud runner-up who couldn't even muster the nerve to argue for a victory.

So congrats to Derrick for creating the straightest possible line to $500,000 and never coming close to veering from that plan. He's the best winner in the show's history, and he never once felt obligated to be the most interesting player. He's the real deal. 

To make the ending of this season feel more satisfying and less like the anticlimactic end to a season that wound up arcing right into Derrick's pocket, let's remind ourselves what we learned from every individual houseguest.

Joey

If your personality is defined by recycling, you will be trashed like so much non-biodegradable styrofoam. 

If you are a woman with the nerve to start an alliance against the prevailing alliance, you will be ostracized by a terrible man. He will also soon be ostracized.

Paola

If you look like you're constantly wearing the cheapest available H&M gear, no one is that sad if you leave the game.

DJs are barely people.

Devin

It's only a good idea to be paranoid if you're also smart. 

You might not be a great game player if Brittany can save herself just by muttering, "I'm a mother" at you.

Brittany

If there's a prevailing alliance in the house and you're not in it, stop seeming smart immediately. That's why Victoria is here on Day 97 and Brittany isn't.

You can't pretend calling other people "fake" is a relevant criticism when you're playing "Big Brother. I think this show is called "Fake People Bein' Fake Lol" in Korea.

Amber

If you're being stalked in the "Big Brother" house, remember: Yikes, that's scary. 

I'm just sorry about that whole situation, Amber. You go, Amber.

Also, you look like a silhouette of young Whitney Houston in the "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" video. Soar, dear.

Jocasta

Ring, ring. Who's there? My entire reason for watching this season, that's who. 

Jesus heals all! Except the marks left on your neck from a chintzy bow-tie. He doesn't play that.

Why am I handing out life lessons when Jocasta gave us the best and most inspirational quote of the season with, "I've been with men! I've been with women! My past is my past!" 

Hayden

It's hard to trust a player who ends most of his sentences with, "And I also need a kiss from Nicole."

Zach

Oh, Zach. I trusted you until you called Frankie the "smartest, funniest" person you know. Then I didn't trust this world.

"Fruit Loop Dingus" isn't funny. But when said with enough gusto, it can be... loudly unfunny.

Zach is the one player this season whose problems would be over if he was given a juice box or a nap.

Donny

If there's one thing I know about Donny, the mild-mannered, lovely, quaint man who always told us the whole truth, it's that he's secretly ex-military.

I still think Donny is in a secret alliance with a caterpillar and an apple. They'll have that forever.

 

Nicole

It's hard to trust a player who is ending this game with kisses from Hayden.

Christine

Mack on the women when you're a cocky, unrepentant dude? Get called a legend. Mack on a man when you're a friendly lady? Get slut-shamed on national TV.

If you're not the dominating member of your alliance and you're a woman, get called a floater. If you're not the dominating member of your alliance and you're a man, get called $50,000 winner Cody Califiore.

 

Frankie

If Rupert Murdoch would sound ridiculous calling himself a mogul, maybe you sound ridiculous calling yourself a mogul.

Opening your eyes really wide is not the same thing as having a personality.

I give it two years before he's on the new season of "RuPaul's Drag Race." And may the best Victoria drag queen win!

Caleb

Don't vote out your best alliance member just because he's a troll doll in Bugle Boy shorts.

If you have a Final 4 deal, that's not the same thing as a Final 2 deal, is it?

Victoria

Here is all I remember of this person:

descriptor

Cody

He didn't win the pageant. But he definitely won the swimwear portion.

This kid. This kid.

Derrick

Your entire personality is undercover if you're smarter than everybody. 

There is such a thing as "Big Brother" perfection. Even Zingbot is bowing down. 

<p>Tuesday&#39;s &quot;Sons of Anarchy&quot;</p>

Tuesday's "Sons of Anarchy"

Credit: FX

Recap: 'Sons of Anarchy' - 'Playing with Monsters'

See, sometimes men and women have metaphorical monsters inside them

“I’m not afraid of the monsters, monsters are my friends.” 

You can say that again, Gemma. If you haven’t caught up on Tuesday night’s episode of “Sons of Anarchy” then pop in those Skankenstein films and dust off those white sneakers because there are monster-sized spoilers below. 

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