Welcome to the latest edition of "True Blood"! Well lookee here! Marnie and her spirit tenant have a brand-new pet vampire! And the pet vampire is helping Marnie escape from Bill’s super-well-lit kingly vampire hoosegow! But, hey, before we blow this joint: Vampire pet? Can you do Marnie a solid and kill that chick that posed as a witch before revealing herself as a pawn of Vampire Bill? Awesome! Thanks, pet vampire!
Gotta start with big thanks to Ryan McGee, who's been filling in for me these past couple weeks while I've been covering Comic-Con and then the Television Critics Association press tour. While Ryan has been experiencing this season of "Big Brother" as a neophyte, I'm approaching Thursday (Aug. 4) night's episode from a different position of cluelessness, having missed two full weeks of episodes. In "Big Brother" land, two weeks is both a lifetime and the blink of an eye. I'm guessing that after I remember how to spell people's names, this won't be hard...
Click through for the minute-by-minute recap...
Last time on “Big Brother”: Daniele won Head of Household, Adam wore an elf costume, and Rachel and Porsche nearly caused the San Andreas fault to crack by running concurrently inside the house. Yikes. That was some bouncy TV, y’all. Also: Brenchel might be over, with the pair put on the block for elimination this week. Let’s see if the veteran alliance can hold in the face of their toughest challenge yet. But it still can’t be as tough as every time I have to type out the word “Brenchel.”
Breaking news from the city of Bon Temps: Sookie is just the most beautiful thing ever! Prettier than even the most well-stacked Viking lass bearing two gallon-tankards of mead, right Eric Northman? Eric? Hey! Eric! Stop making out with Sookie and answer me! Oh no! Here comes His Majesty King Vampire Bill running all fast and crashing into Sookie’s house and breaking up the bloodsucker-on-Tinkerbell romance! Bill arrests Eric in connection with this nebulous necromancy business. Sookie gets all pissy but can’t do anything.
So, the big twist we’ve all been waiting for… is that everyone’s playing individually? Seriously, Big Brother, this is called phoning it in. But it seems that, as feeble as that so-called twist might be, the house is being thrown into crazy-ass chaos anyway, so I can't complain too much.
The HOH competition is yet another boring test of upper body strength and viewer patience. And, as usual, the stakes are very, very high. At least, that's what the hamsters tell us, every damn week. Daniele has to win this HOH. Jeff has to win this HOH. Kalia has to win this HOH. Shelly has to win this HOH. Blah, blah, blah. Okay, in some cases, it's true. Daniele really does need to win HOH, because if the Jeff/Jordan/Rachel/Brendon block does win, it's pretty likely she's a target. But Shelly just wants to get a letter from her kid. She wants to win, but I'm not sure she has the ax-murderer level drive necessary to cling to a wall for hours on end while your lower body seems to do that ab workout Elizabeth Hasselbeck pimps in infomercials.
Next comes the snowstorm. Which looks like confetti or shredded plastic, so I'm not sure what this does other than create crap for the crew to clean up. But okay, oooh, snowstorm.
The hamsters get bored. Rachel and Porsche jog around the house. Rachel trips. And keeps going. Where’s the hamster wheel?
Well, it’s another Thursday and another two contestants sadly must be sent home. Thankfully, “So You Think You Can Dance” has some of the more entertaining elimination episodes on reality television so at least we have a few things to look forward to before we must face the sadness. Also, this week there’s no awkward product placement, which is always a plus.
Rumors are flying that someone will return to the “Big Brother” house tonight. May that person have a that elusive quality known as a “personality” and save us from these recent doldrums. However, the “Lost” fan in me is hoping that Tricia Tanaka shows up and attracts a fireball from the sky to come crashing down on the whole endeavor. Who will be voted off? How instantly will the game change once it’s down to single elimination? Will the live audience continue to have that glazed, “I’ll be good, just don’t hurt my family” look that they always seem to have? Only one way to find out! Unfortunately, that one way is to actually watch the episode.
Tonight, the dancers are doing what I thought they were supposed to do last week – dance one routine with an All-Star, and then another paired up with fellow finalist. This exciting (to me) news is quickly dispensed with, however, so the show can get to what it deems the most important element of the night: Guest judges Rob Marshall and Lady Gaga. I must admit, that’s a lot of star power to blow on one episode. Gaga looks relatively normal, you know, if tonight’s episode turns out to have a Sgt. Pepper theme.
Well, it’s déjà vu here, people. When last we met on Wednesday, Adam and Dominic were up for eviction. And here we are again, with the pair once again on the chopping block. Rachel’s in charge of the house, if not her emotions, and there’s a good chance that Jeff and Jordan could get backdoored if Adam and Dominic win tonight’s PoV challenge. Two weeks ago, none of these words would have meant anything to me. Now? I’m speaking fluent “Big Brother”-anese. This is…growth?
When we last left Jason “Ghost Daddy” Stackhouse, he had three sets of super-duper DNA doin’ a line dance in his veins: fairy, vampire and were-panther. Which mythical blood plasma will win? My money is on fairy, but at the moment it doesn’t matter, because Tommy Merlotte is in immediate danger, y’all! The young shape-shifter is busy ex-caping from that evil, dog-fighting-ring-runnin’ Joe Lee! Fight, Tommy, fight! Turn into something horrible! Tommy stays human, but he still defends himself quite effectively. In fact, Tommy clocks Joe Lee right hard! On his hade! In a way that makes folks turn dead! And, uh oh! Mommy Tommy gets hit dead too!