Recapping Television's Hottest Shows with Monkeys as Critics
How would Ian's Head of Household end?
Sorry. I was out of the country and missed all of last week's "Big Brother" drama and I spent much of this afternoon catching up on Dan's Funeral, The Cutest Eviction Showdown in "Big Brother" History, the tragic exit of Britney (NOOOO!!!!), The Return of Jesse, Ian's Bismuth and... well... everything else.
I was only away for a week, so it's hard to believe all that has happened.
So Dan's a brilliant sociopath, suddenly? And Frank's a carrot? And Jenn still thinks she made a big strategic move? How peculiar.
And Thursday (September 6) is a double-elimination episode?
Let's see how things go... After the break...
The veto competition could change everything
So, I'm guessing Dan's Machiavellian plan to race willy-nilly into the "Big Brother" winner's circle while all the other housemates thank him for taking the money and kicking them to the curb remains solidly in effect. The only hamster who could potentially throw a wrench into Dan's evil genius master plan is Frank, who's never met a veto competition he doesn't like. I'm hoping Frank can win tonight's game, if only to wipe that smug little grin off Dan's face.
We pick up where we left off last week -- with Frank and Jenn on the block. Frank thinks Ian has to grow up, as he's taking this revenge thing altogether too personally. Jenn is going to fight to stay in the house, which is remarkable considering that she only started playing a week or so ago. Dan can't believe everyone is so stupid! They totally don't see that he's RUNNING the place! And all of them! Dan needs a waxes mustache to twirl.
Can Frank survive yet another week?
So, it’s time to replace Frank as HOH, but let’s face it – no matter what, I think the house really belongs to Dan. Not something I thought I’d be saying two weeks ago, but that stupid funeral speech seems to have worked a hella lot of magic (and Danielle’s tears were quite a bonus). I would think his miraculous save would only create a target on his back -- this guy can talk his way out of ANYTHING -- but that's probably expecting too much of our remaining hamsters, who seem all to willing to be played like fleshy violins. In other news, Pandora’s Box is back again! And to quote Shane, where did Jenn come from?
Ian and Frank argue while Dan gloats over his power move
It's Thursday, so someone's packing their bags and heading home from the "Big Brother" house. But who? It looks like Britney, but I can't rule out one last power quack from Brit. And I still have to wonder -- was everyone really snowed by Dan's fake funeral? I mean, once the weepiness was over and clearer heads prevailed, they had to realize Dan was snowing them, right? Oh, why do I bother? As many crafty power moves have gone on in this game, I'd argue there's been an equal amount of suckerdom.
Britney, Ian and Shane are blindsided by Jenn's decision to rescue Dan -- and Frank's decision to backdoor Britney. Britney wants to know if Danielle knew this was coming. Sweet little Danielle plays dumb. She isn't in cahoots with Dan! Or anything! Danielle doesn't make eye contact, but Britney doesn't seem to notice the tell. Britney should not play poker, ever.
With two POVs and flip-flopping alliances, anything is possible
So, as we head into yet another labyrinthine maze of backstabbing and trash talking, the game stands at Dan and Danielle perched precariously on the block, with Dan being Frank's main target. This should be pretty cut and dried, right? I mean, the whole game can't be turned upside down in a matter of days, can it? Like, Dan should just pack his stuff and look for his hair gel. Or not. This season seems to be a lot twistier than any other in recent memory, and alliances come together and crumble in the space of a single episode. Heck, we've had alliances on top of secret alliances, which is making "Big Brother" feel a little like a low I.Q. Roman play. Et tu, Dan?
Alan Ball leaves behind a big mess for season six
Alan Ball launched "True Blood" as a romantic horror show, laced with caustic wit and social satire (vampires were finally "coming out" of their coffins around the world, demanding equal rights). He gave us two (or arguably two and half) seasons of reliably entertaining summer escapism. And now Ball leaves "True Blood" in the worst state it has ever been: an overcrowded, emotionally empty, frustrating, convoluted, nonsensical mess.
Tonight's chaotic fifth season finale was Ball's swan song with the series (at least in full-time capacity) and carried his writing credit. Here was one last chance for Ball to play around with the characters, bring couples together or drive them apart, prove to us that "True Blood" still has some magic lurking under the shambles it has become. And what did we get? A big, fat middle finger to the fans, the cast and whoever else Ball's ditching with his exit.
Alan Ball has left the building ladies and gentleman, and if you don't get the message it's time to follow him out the door, well, you're just not paying attention. After all, the title of the episode was "Save Yourself."
The hamsters are running scared when Boogie's BFF gets mad
Wow, tensions are high at the Big Brother house. Lots of yelling, most of it from Frank. Without Boogie around to be his creepy, Burgess Meredith-esque blankie, it seems Frank is a lot more comfortable ripping into the other hamsters. Of course, he has no reason not to do so. Though the other hamsters cower in fear when he raises his voice, he knows he's only hanging on by a thread -- and when he can't win POV or HOH at a critical time, the seemingly meek rodents will come after him with kitchen cutlery and spatulas, desperately trying to pancake-flip him out of the house.
Would Mike Boogie be able to turn the hamsters against Jenn?
I don't know about y'all, but I haven't been all that impressed by the intelligence of the hamsters on "Big Brother" this season.
One way or the other, Thursday's (August 23) episode will make the end of one of the dumbest Head of Household reigns in recent memory. It wasn't that Dim-Bulb Pretty Boy Shane did the wrong thing with his nominations. When the opportunity to get rid of Mike Boogie and 21st Century William Katt Frank presents itself, you have to take it. But watching Shane justify his picks on Wednesday's episode was comically awkward, as he threw Britney under the bus and Britney tacitly threw Dan under the bus and Dan sat in stoic silence throwing himself under the bus. The lone beneficiary of all of the bus-throwing on Wednesday was Ian, whose status as undercover-weasel remains safe.
But how long would Anemic Harry Potter Ian be able to keep that secret? Would Boogie be able to convince enough people to vote Jenn out to survive another week? And how many combined sentient statements would Shane and Ashley -- Seriously, how have those two not hooked up yet? -- be able to make in an hour?
Boogie is determined to find the mole who targeted him
So, Shane made his power move, placing Frank and Boogie squarely on the block. Whether or not he'll really get rid of one of them, of course, is a bigger question mark than the one on that weird ball machine that showed up on Sunday. Frank has had more comebacks than Sylvester Stallone, and Boogie is, well, Boogie. For them, this isn't over until the fat lady sings, goes on "Biggest Loser," wins the competition and gets her own inspirational talk show.
But that doesn't mean Frank and Boogie aren't upset about Shane's big move. Frank is devastated to be on the block again, but Boogie is pissed. He thinks Shane's an idiot, because there's a chance Boogie and Frank will stay in the game -- and Shane's made himself a massive target. Well, yes, that happens whenever you're HOH, doesn't it?
Six big questions as we near the finish line
One way to tell the season of "True Blood" is almost over: only half the scenes in this week's episode felt like tiresome dead ends, compared to the usual 75-80%. "Sunset" was all about setting up the finale, and having that finish line in sight brought a little urgency to the season's meandering storylines.
It also brought many of the characters closer together (while relegating Terry and Arlene to a single scene and Lafayatte to a single sassy line), while raising far more questions than next week's finale will likely have time to answer. Here are six of the biggest: