Recapping Television's Hottest Shows with Monkeys as Critics
How many times will Danielle cry during her Head of Household reign?
I'm still reeling from Wednesday night's bizarre interactions between Danielle & Shane and The Fierce Five.
Nobody had a clue who anybody was, but they were all so darned pleased to be meeting.
And I'm also reeling from Danielle's Head of Household win, as she continues to Forrest Gump her way deeper and deeper into the game.
On the assumption that Danielle's going to protect her in-game boyfriend Shane, we're about to lose one of the two people who actually deserve to win "Big Brother" this season.
Click through to see how the drama -- Julie Chen's been tweeting big promises -- unfolds...
NBC's hit stares down FOX's 'X Factor' premiere with more auditions
It’s starting to feel a little bit like the film “Groundhog Day,” no? Another evening, another episode of “The Voice”. If any contestant tonight sings “I Got You, Babe,” I will be seriously freaked out. While there have been several strong participants thus far, the show really hasn’t had a breakout performance yet. And given that its two-day head start on “The X Factor” is now over, that might be a problem for the show over the long haul.
But with sixty-four total team members to select, we’ve only just begun to see the talent on display this season. And hopefully, we’ve only just begun to see the way the coaches will woo participants to their team. So far, those wooings have been one-note affairs, with each judge essentially sticking to the same script no matter the contestant. A little variety wouldn’t hurt on both sides of the equation.
With that in mind, let’s kick off tonight’s running diary. As always, all times are EST. As always, if the prepackaged sob story that accompanies a contestant is too dull, I reserve the right to completely make up a new one. Much like NBC, I’m all about the ratings. What can I say?
8:00 p.m. I love that shot of the four judges standing in the bright white light during these introductions. It’s like they are trapped in The Phantom Zone.
Two lucky houseguests get to hobnob with gold medalists
So, it's down to the final five, or what I like to call the Quack Pack and Jenn. Not that the Quack Pack is much of an alliance, as everyone except Shane seems to have a final two deal with Dan (and that may have happened and I just missed it), and Dan is eagerly rubbing his hands together in anticipation of stomping on their broken bodies on the way to the finish line. The crazy part is, of course, that every remaining hamster seems likely to smile up at him as he does it. "Gee, Dan, you're really good at cracking ribs! That barely hurt! And not nearly as much as when you stepped on my nose!"
Say hello to Jimmy Smits and Harold Perrineau, and goodbye to a few others
The power dynamic between Jax and Clay isn't the only thing that's changed as we begin season five in Charming. This year's action-packed, fast-moving premiere introduces new players, reestablishes burgeoning rivalries and alliances, and contains one of the most brutal and disturbing scenes the show has ever seen (that is not a low bar to cross).
We can only speculate where any of this is heading, but as set-up, it worked. Mostly.
How many performers would we see in the second hour of Season 3?
“The Voice” premiered to solid ratings
, albeit ratings well off its previous two season openers. Cause for concern for NBC? Probably not, although the real ratings excitement will come tomorrow when the third episode of this opening week episode gauntlet goes head to head with the premiere of “The X Factor” over on FOX. But we’re not here to speculate about Thursday morning Nielsen ratings. We’re here to recap the second blind auditions. Given the ratio of episode time versus contestant selected last night (one per fifteen minutes of air time) and the total number of contestants that will ultimately be placed on one of four teams (sixty-four), we’re going to be going blind well into 2013.
OK, it won’t be that bad. But we are looking at a 5-6 week process, unless things speed up. And given the dearth of programming in NBC’s lineup that gets even half as many viewers as “The Voice,” look for a leisurely pace as we approach the Battle Rounds at the approximate speed of continental drift. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, as it gives ample time for each contestant to make an impression. Be warned: if the backstory for a certain participant is boring, I might just make one up. It shouldn’t be too hard to tell fact from fiction.
Let’s start the running diary for tonight’s episode. This one, like tomorrow night’s installment, will run only a single hour. Will “The Voice” try to pack in the auditions or stick to last night’s leisurely pace? Will any other formerly rejected contestants re-emerge to try and make it big again? Will producers send out a parade of former Mouseketeers in an effort to confuse Christina Aguilera? Only one way to find out. All times below are EST.
NBC's crown jewel does a quick turnaround for its third season
Moving “The Voice” into the Fall will either be a smart move on the part of NBC or a disaster that keeps it in the ratings’ basement for a potential half-decade. On one hand, who can blame the struggling network for producing another season of one of the only programs it can truly call a hit? On the other hand, how can we miss the show if it never goes away? The best-case scenario creates a beachhead for the network to develop other shows into hits. The worst case? “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, Part 2: Electric Swivel Chair Boogaloo”.
A few notes before starting the first of many, many, many running diaries throughout this season…
A new HOH steps up, but will Dan be able to hid his many alliances?
So, do you think Dan is an evil genius, just evil, easily manipulating gullible and possibly stupid fellow players, or all of the above? Discuss. Anyway, we rewind a little bit in this episode so that viewers can watch all the crazy strategy and backstabbing that took place during this week's double elimination of Frank and Joe. And yes, there was a lot of crazy strategy and backstabbing, most of it on Dan's part. But surely, the dark underbelly of his game play will finally be exposed, won't it?
How would Ian's Head of Household end?
Sorry. I was out of the country and missed all of last week's "Big Brother" drama and I spent much of this afternoon catching up on Dan's Funeral, The Cutest Eviction Showdown in "Big Brother" History, the tragic exit of Britney (NOOOO!!!!), The Return of Jesse, Ian's Bismuth and... well... everything else.
I was only away for a week, so it's hard to believe all that has happened.
So Dan's a brilliant sociopath, suddenly? And Frank's a carrot? And Jenn still thinks she made a big strategic move? How peculiar.
And Thursday (September 6) is a double-elimination episode?
Let's see how things go... After the break...
The veto competition could change everything
So, I'm guessing Dan's Machiavellian plan to race willy-nilly into the "Big Brother" winner's circle while all the other housemates thank him for taking the money and kicking them to the curb remains solidly in effect. The only hamster who could potentially throw a wrench into Dan's evil genius master plan is Frank, who's never met a veto competition he doesn't like. I'm hoping Frank can win tonight's game, if only to wipe that smug little grin off Dan's face.
We pick up where we left off last week -- with Frank and Jenn on the block. Frank thinks Ian has to grow up, as he's taking this revenge thing altogether too personally. Jenn is going to fight to stay in the house, which is remarkable considering that she only started playing a week or so ago. Dan can't believe everyone is so stupid! They totally don't see that he's RUNNING the place! And all of them! Dan needs a waxes mustache to twirl.
Can Frank survive yet another week?
So, it’s time to replace Frank as HOH, but let’s face it – no matter what, I think the house really belongs to Dan. Not something I thought I’d be saying two weeks ago, but that stupid funeral speech seems to have worked a hella lot of magic (and Danielle’s tears were quite a bonus). I would think his miraculous save would only create a target on his back -- this guy can talk his way out of ANYTHING -- but that's probably expecting too much of our remaining hamsters, who seem all to willing to be played like fleshy violins. In other news, Pandora’s Box is back again! And to quote Shane, where did Jenn come from?