Recapping Television's Hottest Shows with Monkeys as Critics
It's Makeover Week on 'America's Next Top Model' and guess which girl bawled over her poor butchered hair
Fo of 'America's Next Top Model,' pre-makeover
Credit: Frank Ockenfels/The CW
You’d think that after 11 cycles, the top model candidates would know the routine by now: At least one girl always, always gets her hair massacred during the makeover episode, and Tyra always, always beats down said girl during panel, and threatens to send her home.
And yet, every single season, we get some mannequin wannabe wailing and gnashing her teeth and loosing her pistachio-sized mind when the glam squad comes around with the snippers. Did all 13 contestants grow up in yurts?
I’ll let you guess which twiggy stick turns on the waterworks while I begin the recap of Wednesday (March 11) night's "America's Next Top Model."
The 'American Idol' field was narrowed from 13 to 11 and a major twist was introduced to the game on Wednesday (March 11)
Megan Joy of 'American Idol'
Credit: Ray Mickshaw/FOX
9:00 p.m. ET Which two people got the fewest votes? And what is this new rule all about? These questions, and possibly more, may be answered by Ryan Seacrest and "American Idol" company over the next hour of Wednesday (March 11) night.
9:01 p.m. Nearly 33 million votes were cast after Tuesday's show, the most "Idol" has ever had at this point in the show.
9:02 p.m. After last night's bizarre guest announcer, Ryan is back to introducing the the judges.
9:03 p.m. We aren't wasting any time building suspense about that new twist on the show's rules. Using Tamyra Gray, Michael Johns, Jennifer Hudson and Chris Daughtry as examples of contestants who may have been eliminated too early, Ryan presents the concept of The Judge's Save. The judges can eliminate one contestant from elimination during the course of the season. The Save can only be used once and it has to be unanimous. When the Save is used, it becomes a non-elimination episode and the following week becomes a double-elimination episode.
[Full recap after the break!]
Danny Gokey and Adam Lambert are standouts in the first 'Idol' Top 13 episode, but who fell flat?
Adam Lambert of 'American Idol'
Credit: Chris Cuffaro/FOX
"American Idol" kicked off its Top 13 on Tuesday (March 10) night with an episode dedicated to Michael Jackson, but littered with bombshells. Two singers are going home tomorrow?!? There's a big shocking twist that will change the format of the show?!? Michael Sarver worked on an oil rig?!?!?
Along the way, the night featured some spectacular performances, some very good performances and several performances that the judges just tore to shreds...
[Recap after the break...]
From Lawrence Taylor to Steve-O to those new people who aren't stars, the celebrity dances show what they've got
Steve-O and Lacey Schwimmer of 'Dancing with the Stars'
Credit: Adam Larkey/ABC
For the next two and half months or so, I'll be here every week rehashing the eighth season of Dancing WIth The Stars in blog form. And though I was tempted to brush up via wikipedia's season recaps and pretend I was the most qualified person possible to be bringing you said rehashing, I think its important I'm honest with you from the get go. Tonight was the first time I ever watched it. I'd like to think experiencing this season through my virgin eyes brings a certain uniqueness to what might transpire here, but that's probably stretching. Nonetheless, it's the deal, so here goes:
[Recap after the break...]
Claire comes to a crossroads, Nathan and Danko come to a breaking point, and Sylar comes face to face with his father
Milo Ventimiglia of 'Heroes'
Credit: Mitchell Haaseth/NBC
As Tracy Strauss stumbles towards her holding cell halfway through tonight’s episode, she sees a message pop up from Rebel on the security monitor. “Help is coming. Have hope,” it reads. For many “Heroes” fans, this is the message the show sent by rehiring Season 1 scribe Bryan Fuller after the unfortunate demise of his critically lauded yet little watched series “Pushing Daisies.” Tonight marked the first installment with any input from Fuller. Did he answer the S.O.S.? Well, it’s an unfair question, really. No one person can really turn the S.S. Heroes around at this juncture, but at least tonight’s episode pointed a few plotlines in promising directions.
Rebel suggests you continue reading the spoiler-filled recap after the jump.
The White House standoff comes to a head, Jack goes on the run and a favorite character gets the silent clock
James Morrison as Bill Buchanan on '24'
Credit: Joseph Viles/FOX
I'm not saying that you're an evil criminal mastermind. I don't want to imply that you're plotting a way to destabilize the government for your own nefarious purposes. I'd never dare accuse you of colluding with any hostile regime, African or otherwise, as part of any sort of anti-democratic cabal. And I'd never want to suggest that you might be fictional.
But bear with me for a second as I impart this advice to you: If you ever have the means or opportunity to kill Jack Bauer, please do so. Don't try to be clever and brainwash him. Don't think you can set him up to take the fall for whatever horrible thing you did. Don't do anything that might leave Jack Bauer walking the Earth, because if Jack Bauer is still walking the Earth, eventually he will find you and he'll kill you twice. Because that's the way Jack Bauer rolls.
[Please note the in the previous advice, the name "Jack Bauer" can be removed and replaced with "James Bond," "Jason Bourne" or "Rocky and Bullwinkle"]
Trust me. Given the number of people you intend to kill anyway, you'll never regret killing Jack Bauer.
[More thoughts on Monday (March 9) night's "24" after the break.]
A Blind U-Turn plays a major role, while nobody knows who Anton Chekhov is
Luke and Margie of 'The Amazing Race'
Credit: Sonja Flemming/CBS
Russian playwright Anton Chekhov was born in 1860 and died in 1904. He was also a short story writer and a physician, but his plays include "The Seagull," "Uncle Vanya" and "The Cherry Orchard."
He is, as we say, kind of a big deal.
I only mention this because on Sunday (March 8) night's episode of "The Amazing Race," eight players had to unscramble the name of a Russian playwright from a pile of seven letters. For at least six of them, the task was impossible and required total guesswork.
That just makes me a little sad. I understand that awareness of theater is a class-based knowledge, but I'm not convinced that it's asking too much for a general body of people, most with at least some high school or college education, to be able to name one Russian playwright and if you're going to know the name of one Russian playwright, it might as well be Chekhov.
OK. I just had to get that snobbery out of the way. Actually, being able to spell "Chekhov" had almost nothing to do with the way Sunday's episode broke down.
[Recap after the break...]
Remote wiping sounds dirty, but that's what happens to Eliza Dushku's 'Echo' on a sensitive job
Eliza Dushku of 'Dollhouse'
Credit: Adam Taylor/FOX
Previously on “Dollhouse:” you should know the drill by now.
Then we hear a woman moaning in what sounds like orgasm and what turns out to be the final stages of labor. Note to the writers: do not ever suggest to your wives that the final stages of labor are anything like an orgasm. Echo is there, working as a midwife – yet another one of those jobs that could be performed by a regular person, but is being done by Echo, presumably at a very high hourly rate.
[For more, click through...]
a.k.a. 'We're still hunting for Emmy nods'
Admiral Adama has some tough decisions to make in "Island in a Stream of Stars."
Credit: Sci Fi/Carole Segal
After tonight's episode there are only two more installments of the great "Battlestar Galactica" left. Anyone feeling nostalgic? Any chance we'll get the thrill of one more Entertainment Weekly cover (or are we doomed to "Twilight" every other week)? Are we ready to debate who amongst the cast has the best shot at breaking out in the years to come? No, probably not yet. However, because tonight's episode featured more dramatic personal moments amongst the characters (Emmy watcher alert!), this writer's mind is starting to wander.
Unlike the past two episodes, there were not that many startling revelations in "Islanded in a Stream of Stars." Sure, stuff happened like seeing the Cylon Colony for the first time (basically V'ger without all the fog), but beyond Adama's pivotal decision at the end of the show (which had been hinted at since at least last season), it was time for some more tender moments between some of our favorite characters.
[Spoilers after the jump]
As one key alliance builds, a losing tribe has to decide if it's Age before Beauty
Sydney of 'Survivor: Tocantins'
Credit: Monty Brinton/CBS
Pre-credit sequence. Timbira returns to camp after voting out Jerry. Coach is still annoyed about the tribe impugning his leadership, specially Black Widow Erinn.. "It pissed me off and it made me think Erinn's gotta go, because she's the cancer in the tribe," Coach says, as Erinn picks her nose by firelight. The next morning, leadership is up for discussion at a tribe pow-wow. Tyson's OK with letting Brendan and Coach fight it out. "I wasn't paying attention," he says. "I don't care." Coach, however, cares deeply. Very deeply. Although he publicly tells the tribe he'll gladly let Brendan lead, he tells the camera, "If you look at me, you look at Brendan, who looks stronger? I do. We need to thrive in the wild and not just exist."
[Full recap, with spoilers, after the bump.]