Recapping Television's Hottest Shows with Monkeys as Critics
Sookie tries to get to know Jessica, Lafayette tries to make a deal and Jason takes his shirt off
Great day in the mornin! It’s only five seconds into this here episode two of True Blood and I already want something chicken-fried. Or a burger. Burger would be good. Hey, Lafayette, can you maybe grill me up a ... oh. Right. You’re in an underground vampire slave dungeon chained to a giant wheel while the oontz-oontz Eurotrash vampire king gets his roots done upstairs. Will Lafayette escape this episode? I hope so. I’m so hungry.
[Recap of Sunday (June 21) night's "True Blood" after the break...]
Some unexpected voting caused the judges to have to make some tough choices
So, were you sitting on the edge of your sofa, biting your nails as “SYTYCD” began tonight, wondering if the rumors were true – that Katie Holmes, the Kat half of TomKat, would be hoofing it Judy Garland-style on the show? Were you wondering what she would wear, how well she’d sing, and why the hell she didn’t line up a gig with “Dancing with the Stars” instead?
See, I would have been doing at least a few of those things (I mean, I’m curious, not a freaky stalker type), except I was screaming at my computer.
Apparently said computer is not only sentient but very empathetic, because today, clearly overwrought thinking of the two talented dancers about to be eliminated and hoping to pay homage in some small way to their suffering, it decided to crap out on me. Which would not be so terrible, if not for the fact said computer has my Slingbox software on it. So, long story short, by the time I kicked said computer a few times and told it to snap out of it, getting all Cher in “Moonstruck” on its ass, and it had reluctantly booted up after giving me a slightly dirty look from the eye of its webcam, I had missed the first 7 minutes of the show.
So, I’ll be watching those 7 minutes when everyone else in L.A. is watching them, and blogging about them shortly afterward. Right... here. It’ll either be a blow-by-blow account of Katie performing “Sumer Stock,” or a slightly disappointed account of the group dance number.
[Attempted recap of Thursday night's (June 18) "So You Think You Can Dance" after the break...]
Annnnnnd... it’s the stupid stinking group dance number! Okay, it wasn’t that bad, but it lacked the possible train wreck potential/creepy Scientology vibe of a Katie Holmes hoedown. But you can’t absolutely hate a dance routine that’s equal parts Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” zombie dance and rabid gorilla stomping around. Set to Stevie Wonder’s “Higher Ground” (although Red Hot Chili Peppers’ version would have been so much better), it was fun to see the cast done up in Maori face paint, the only drawback being you couldn’t recognize a damn one of them.
But really, even without Katie’s Judy Garland tribute (excuse me, when did she become a middle-aged gay man?), these 7 minutes were so worth watching. Why? Because we were treated to Lil ’C’s dictionary of dance! Seeing a loving montage of his fantabulous, super crazy lingo strung together in one endless thread of semi-articulate blather was something close to a religious experience for me. But I wanted to throw something at Cat and her Diane Keaton pantsuit when she got down on the ground and bowed to the guy. What the hell was that about? This is clearly a little bit of laughing at as well as with the guy, so let’s not lay it on so thick, woman.
Favorites Philip & Jeanine and Ashley & Kupono struggle, but Max & Kayla shine
Okay, before we get started, I have some questions. Why was Cat Deeley wearing a dead hibiscus as a dress? And do her friends really think Mary’s “so fabulous” for yakking about her Botox treatments? Or really, anything? I just find it hard to believe people who hang with Cat, who are undoubtedly sleek and glamorous, coo over a squawking, middle-aged ballroom dancer with bad ’80s hair. Don’t get me wrong, Mary’s good fun, she definitely knows her stuff, but fabulous? Really? And what was up with Cat screaming for a “three-way” chest bump with Ade and Melissa? Girl, just take your dead hibiscus and calm the hell down.
Alright, I’m done. Let’s move on to the important stuff – the dancing.
[Click through for the full recap of Wednesday (June 17) night's "So You Think You Can Dance."]
Leslie Gornstein tackles the Southern-fried bloodsucking, shape-shifting adventures of Sookie, Bill and Sam
Come on Lafayette. Wake up, gurl. Get up out that car. Put on some lip gloss and a tank top and bust out some fangs and come back as the man-eater you’ve always wanted to be. Git up. GIT UP. GIT ...
[Did he git up? Full recap of Sunday (June 14) night's "True Blood" premiere after the break...]
Would early favorites like Asuka or Vitiolio go home, or would the judges be more predictable?
Elimination time! I would like to say I was sitting on the edge of my seat with my fingers crossed, but I was just too bored. Any mouth-breathing ninny could have picked out the bottom six last night, and really, I so didn’t need to know which dancers had “raunchy” burps, made chicken sounds and sweated like pigs. Could’ve missed that utterly dull performance by Sean Kingston, too. But hey, let’s just get to the good part, even if Fox has to milk this competition for every ounce of tepid drama it can.
[Full recap of Thursday (June 11) night's "So You Think You Can Dance"), with results, after the break.]
Judges gush as the competitors knock it out of the park
Tonight was the two-hour debut of this season’s “SYTYCD” top 20, but amazingly it didn’t feel like a two-hour episode. The reason? With a few exceptions (and trust me, they know who they are), this season’s batch of dancers was shockingly, astonishingly, “did you see that, oh my God!” kick-ass gooooood. C’mon, when Mary Murphy screams herself raspy and Adam Shankman gets weepy and sees God, you know it’s a good show. Or a nervous breakdown at the judges’ table, but I digress.
Jeanine and Phillip
Verdict: Unfreaking real
Sure, when it comes to a hip hop routine, pop-and-locker Phillip had this one in the bag. What was shocking is how well Jeanine, who admittedly knew nothing about hip hop, delivered. Of course, seeing her get weepy about her passion for dance in the intro, it shouldn’t have come as a big surprise that she rose to the challenge like an old pro. After all, she doesn’t have the long legs=2 0or lean build we associate with natural dancers, and yet the girl can move like crazy. When Nigel gushes that their dance is a great way to start the show, he’s exactly right. Expect these two to be back next week.
Asuka and Vitolio
Verdict: Better than their material
Boy, talk about crappy luck. First off, Asuka and Vitolio are stuck following one of the better performances of the evening. But more significantly, they get stuck with one of the hokiest, lamest dance routines imaginable. Even the costumes suck. Given the unenviable mission of aping silent movie characters (white Mickey Mouse/Al Jolson gloves included) to a lousy song, they did their best only to be reprimanded by Nigel and Mary for bringing a lack of energy and personality to a dance that was the physical equivalent of having to wear a sweater your grandmother knitted you to a school dance. That they got through this mess without grimacing, well, that was really the accomplishment. I hope they don’t get the boot for this routine, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did.
Nigel, Mary and the rest of the judges end the Vegas round by choosing 10 men and 10 women
Ah, it’s time to announce the top twenty on the latest season of "So You Think You Can Dance" which also means giving the boot to a bunch of quivering-lipped kids whose big eyes well up like they're Disney characters facing a firing squad every time they step in front of the judges. Which, now that I think of it, isn’t so far off. I could totally see Mia Michaels leaping from her seat, screaming, “I LOVE TO CUT!” while brandishing an AK-47 and riddling the subpar dancers with hollow point bullets. I’m just saying. Woman’s rough.
Of course, I’m basing a lot of that impression on watching her rip poor Brandon a new one for what seemed like no good reason. Mia, like crunkster Lil ’C, was not a fan of my man Brandon. Or, to quote gentle Mia, “I can’t take you. You annoy the $%^#@ out of me.” Wow. Whatever happened to, I ’m not feeling you? I’ll pass? It’s not you, it’s me?
[Full recap of Thursday (June 4) night's "SYTYCD" after the break...]
We're live-blogging the two-hour countdown to the coronation of either Kris Allen or Adam Lambert
This is it, kids. Five months of excitement, musicality and Simon distilled down to two hours of pageantry and excess and ridiculousness culminating in the DVR-thwarting coronation of the next "American Idol."
Will it be Kris? Will it be Adam? Or will it be a surprising out-of-left-field dark horse? My guess? Either Kris or Adam.
Since I tend to go minute-by-minute with my "American Idol" results recaps anyway, I'll live-blog this puppy. Follow through for 125 minutes of surprise guests, product plugs and merriment. Sound off. Comment. Or just hit reload and read along...
[Full recap, with results, after the break...]
Did Gilles make America swoon? Did Shawn make America flip? Did Melissa get jilted again?
It all comes down to this. As Lady Gaga pimps herself out with a show-opening performance of "Just Dance," the eighth-season finale of "Dancing With The Stars" has commenced.
Despite re-running the episode before this two-hour finale, we get a rundown of how last night's performance episode anyway: Gilles & Cheryl and Shawn & Mark are both heading into tonight with impressive 58 (out of 60) scores, and Melissa & Tony are just behind with 56. Tom re-iterates, and maybe you need to know: Last night's judges scores will be combined with the home votes, but tonight all three couples will dance once again, and only the judges' cores will count toward who becomes the winner of season eight (joining this classy lineup: Kelly Monaco, Brooke Burke, Kristi Yamaguchi, Helio Castronevers, Drew Lachey, Emmit Smith, and Apolo Anton Ohno).
Results of Tuesday's (May 19) "Dancing with the Stars" finale after the break...
Adam Lambert had the performance of the night, but the coronation song favored Kris Allen
It's our second consecutive all-male "American Idol" Top Two and just like last year, when you were either a Cook Fan or an Archuleta Booster, the battle lines are pretty much drawn across this great nation. Nobody is allowed to be ambivalent. You can root for Kris. You can root for Adam. But don't tell me that you like them both equally and differently.
Kris won the coin toss last week and, like all good Pete Carroll coached teams, he opts to defer and go second. Each singer will perform thrice, including "No Boundaries," the inevitably corny coronation song courtesy of none other than Superfluous Fourth Judge Kara DioGuardi.
How did the night go down? Click through...