Recapping Television's Hottest Shows with Monkeys as Critics
Jason picks a side, Godric shows his might, Eric gets chained and two ladies fight over Bill
Ryan Kwanten and Alexander Skarsgard of 'True Blood'
News flash: Vampires cannot use the contractions, for they must speak every word the long, convoluted way, yes. For any other way must degrade and detract from the inborn blood dignity of the vampire. Or some sort of such.
"You are a fool for sending humans ahh-fter me," a newly rescued Godric intones to a simpering Eric Northman at the top of this episode.
"I am not leaving your side," Northman replies.
And I cannot and will not believe that I am viewing such a tableau. Eric skitters off to rescue a human, leaving Godric standing there looking like an extra from "Friday Night Lights."
[Full recap of Sunday's (Aug. 9) "True Blood," titled "Timebomb," after the break...]
In which Chima puts two houseguests up for eviction, Jeremy Piven cameos and the Coup looms
Honestly, I don't know how BB could live up to Thursday's near perfect episode (Chima and Russell unleashed their full-bore crazy on one another, Jeff and Jordan got jiggy with it as Ronnie farted and begged for mercy and, oh yeah, Ronnie waddled out of the house in disgrace). Really, what could happen tonight to improve on that? A comet hitting the BB house? Julie Chen giving birth live on the air? A Jordan and Jeff sex tape courtesy of CBS? An entirely weird and random visit from Jeremy Piven and Chima's revelation about a close encounter with a serial killer? Oh, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.
[Recap of Sunday (Aug. 9) night's "Big Brother" after the break...]
And who's the latest to get eliminated?
Chima's rising in the "Big Brother" house.
Before we get rolling, Julie Chen assures us it’s a whole new game, which kind of strikes me as total promotional crap, because no matter how anyone moves around the deck chairs on this hell-bent Titanic, it’s still the same old nasty, scheming, conniving game played by soulless greedheads it always is. And that’s why we love it so. Game on!
It’s day 33 inside the Big Brother house, and Lydia is apparently going off the deep end because she’s wearing a black bar over her eyes, which is kind of cool except I think it’s supposed to symbolize her dark state of mind, so glad no one can take weapons into the house. I think.
Michele tells us via the diary cam that she couldn’t use her power of veto lest that keep Ronnie from getting his one way ticket out of the house, and I couldn’t agree with her more. Jordan, of course, is just thrilled that Michele stood her ground with the POV, as she points out it will only take 4 votes to get Ronnie out, and she’s pretty sure Jeff, Kevin, Michele and her will do it. Ronnie, being a sore loser and a roaring hypocrite, says Michele’s unwillingness to save his sorry ass with the POV just shows she has no loyalty to anyone except herself, while I would argue that it shows she’s not a total sucker and sees him to be the scumbag he is, but potato, potahto.
Is the new champion Brandon, Jeanine, Evan or long-time favorite Kayla?
Top 4 contestants (L-R): Kayla Radomski, Brandon Bryant, Jeanine Mason and Evan Kasprzak.
Wow, it’s the season finale. I feel like we’ve been through something together, you and I. There’s been some crying (cancer dance), some mourning (Not Janette, no!), some highs (last night’s sexy Brandon/Jeanine paso doable), some lows (every non-hip-hop routine Phillip fumbled through). I feel like, at this point, I deserve a ring, a dress and a big-ass party with catering. Just saying.
Kicking things off, we have a really, really big group dance. The final twenty are back for this one, and I feel a little guilty, because some of these people? No clue who the hell they are. If you told me they were randomly yanked from the audience, I’d believe you. And I can only blame a little of that on the crappy camera work and the bad Cirque du Soleil make-up and costumes. But glad to see the producers got full use of that gigantic picture frame from earlier in the season, because you know that would cost an arm and a leg at Aaron Brothers.
Did Evan make a mistake going Broadway?
Can Brandon beat longtime favorite Kayla for the crown?
Credit: ABC Studios
Okay, this is the big time, and I know that because Cat just said she’s in the 3,000 seat Kodak Theater, plus she’s wearing something shinier than usual and there’s wacky neon tubing all over the place, which implies Fox coughed up some money for the finale. Which, you know, they totally should, because these dancers are crazy good. In fact, so good I am going to be both really thrilled and really disappointed tomorrow, because every one of these four dancers deserves to win.
So, onto our judges. On the panel tonight is Adam Shankman, who will probably cry about something but that’s okay since I might join him, plus our regulars Mary Murphy and Nigel Lythgoe.
Adam says he’s surprised at the four finalists but he thinks they’re amazing. Then he says there are 3,000 people in the audience, which he apparently needs to emphasize even though we already know this to be the case. Mary then says dancers feed off energy, and there will be a feast with 3,000 fans in the audience (really, 3,000? Because I didn’t know that), and those fans better bring it, which is vaguely threatening but she says it in a nice enough way. Nigel starts blabbering something about this being the gunfight at the OK Corral, which seems a little violent, although shooting and guns is something we haven’t seen in reality TV, so that might pop up in Season 7. It would be a huge hit with the NRA, so it definitely opens up another revenue stream for advertising.
In which a toga challenge gives Michele some power and Ronnie has to scurry
Michele of 'Big Brother 11'
Credit: Sonja Flemming/CBS
I'm still basking in the glow of Ronnie's head being on the chopping block, so you may need to give me a moment here. Ahhhh.... Okay, back to the game.
Lydia and Ronnie are, of course, on the block (I can't say that enough, really), and Ronnie says he has plenty of tricks up his sleeve, so he's not all that worried. Which again makes me wonder why Ronnie was ever in the Brains clique (really, nearsightedness and pastiness do not a smartypants make). He's also not sweating the POV competition, since he assumes Jessie, in his big guns manliness will win even if brainiac Ronnie doesn't. And this isn't a totally ridiculous theory, since Jessie does seem to have a certain eerily useful skill set when it comes to stupid competitions, but I'm so hoping he's wrong.
[Full recap of Tuesday (Aug. 4) night's "Big Brother" after the break...]
Sam gets suspicious, Jessica gets sexy and Sookie awaits rescue on HBO's 'True Blood'
Anna Paquin of 'True Blood'
Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO
If I think of Lafayette, he will appear. If I think of Lafayette, he will appear.
Dammit, it's just Sam, the shape-shiftin' sacrifice. We've had, what, six episodes of True Blood Season Two and we've gotten a lower percentage of Lafayette per episode than the juice content of a bottle of Orangina. Then again, the show writers have pretty much hamstrung Lafayette's character and turned him circumspect and sad and even a little boring. Maybe he should just stay rare.
[Recap for Sunday (August 2) night's "True Blood" after the break...]
In which the athletes retain HoH control, lots of prizes are given out and two players go up for eviction
Russell of 'Big Brother 11'
Credit: Sonja Flemming/CBS
Apologies to Ben Folds, but this show is edging toward a battle of who I can care about less. The real players emerging are pretty damn unlikable. I mean, can I sleep at night if I root for Jessie? Or Nathalie? Or, God forbid, Ronnie? Right now I'm hoping for a sudden upset from Jeff or Michele, or maybe the emergence of a soul in Russell, because otherwise, seriously, you can take these housemates and flush ‘em as far as I'm concerned.
[Full recap of Sunday (Aug. 2) night's "Big Brother" after the break...]
Cat Deeley hates Thursdays and after this week's cuts, we understand why
Evan Kasprzak of 'So You Think You Can Dance'
We're going into the finale, everyone, so brace yourselves! Two more dancers are going home. And you know it's going to suck, because at this point no one really deserves to go home. So, yes, Cat, you can say it. Thursdays are not fun, or at least not anymore.
[To find out how un-fun Thursday (July 30) night's "So You Think You Can Dance" was, click through...]
In which somebody goes home, Julie introduces a new twist and the HoH is left hanging
Jordan of 'Big Brother 11'
Credit: Sonja Flemming/CBS
Okay, I've seen the promos – there's a Big Twist in the works, Angry Smoking Banana Casey looks psyched and Michele is pissed. And, knowing promos, it means absolutely nothing. All I'm saying.
Julie Chen says tonight is graduation, which I guess we should have expected given the theme of the show. Although I will say the clique thing didn't seem to have much at all in common with real high school, in that the Popular clique (with the exception of Jordan) is out on its ass, the Brains (with the exception of Michele) are about as book smart as my handbag and the Off-Beats... well, they're all a little weird, so that can stand.
[Full recap of Thursday (July 30) night's "Big Brother," complete with results, after the break...]