By the end of last week’s Season Two premiere, Abbie had been rescued, Jenny had been rescued, and Katrina was still ensnared by Headless. Well, two out of three damsels no longer in distress ain’t bad? Unless Captain Irving counts (he totally does), in which case the distressed damsel to rescue ratio drops to an abysmal 50% success rate.
Can our heroes get the team back together by the end of “The Kindred”?
The world is upside-down, literally, as Headless and his horse canter across the moonlit night. Headless is riding towards a circle of fire, and sticks, and human skulls. Because he is nothing if not a stickler for evil traditionalism. Katrina is with him, and it doesn’t take long until she’s tied to the altar at the center of the circle, set to be sacrificed/married while her son officiates.
Henry pricks his mom’s hand and she is blood-bound to Headless. Gross. But right before they can be pronounced husband and recently decapitated wife…Ichabod wakes up. IT WAS ALL A DREAM!
Now we’ll never know who shot J.R.
But the dream was more of a premonition since Crane has been doing research. According to the codices of exposition, Headless is totally going to bind himself to Katrina in unholy matrimony. Abbie cracks a joke about the wedding industrial complex and Ichabod gets to be offended that the sacred right of marriage has been turned into a billion dollar industry and fodder for reality TV. Abbie declines to point out that in Crane’s heyday, most marriages were more business deals than love affairs. Because she’s a better person than me.
Instead she distracts Ichabod before he can get fired up into an apoplectic “Back in my day,” rant, by asking him where Headless might be keeping Katrina. After all, before he was the fourth Horseman, he was just plain old Abraham Van Brunt. Crane totally knew him as a person and should be able to figure out where his ex-buddy would be hiding. But Abbie can’t stick around to hold Crane’s hand through it, she has to go meet the new LADY sheriff.
WHERE THE EVER-LIVING HELL IS ORLANDO JONES!?
Abbie missed roll call on the first day of school but that’s okay because she knows Sheriff Leena Reyes. Or more specifically, the Sheriff knows Abbie. Mills was too small to remember, but back when Reyes was an officer, she responded a few times when Abbie’s mom called the police…or had the police called on her. The nature of the disturbances is left vague. If I were a bettin’ woman, I’d say they involved demons but nobody believed her.
Anyway, Sheriff Reyes is tough as nails. She’s dealt with border patrol and drug cartels who leave body parts behind as warnings, so she’s not about to be spooked by some lone serial cop killer who decapitates people. Unlike Captain Irving, Reyes is going to restore sanity to Sleepy Hollow.
Excuse me while I laugh until the end of time. Oh man, poor newbie!
While Abbie was introducing us to this season’s non-believer, Ichabod figured out where Headless took his wife. To the family estate. Wow, really? You didn’t IMMEDIATELY think of that? Worst. Detective. Ever.
Anyway, we get a quick flashback to the emerald necklace Abraham gave Katrina when they were betrothed, in case you forgot that Ichabod stole his best friend’s girl. This is what happens when the wish from “Jessie’s Girl” is granted. Your ex-best friend makes a deal with Satan to be come an immortal warrior of Death to avenge getting cock-blocked.
On their way to the Van Brunt estate, Abbie hedges that maybe they’ve lost focus on the big picture here. Trying to get Crane laid isn’t exactly going to stop Moloch from heralding the end of times. Ichabod points out Katrina is a super powerful witch and they need her help, despite doing just fine without her up until this point.
Look, I’m just gonna say it. We’re all thinking it. If Katrina was that powerful, she wouldn’t be playing budget Princess Peach. Self-saving is kind of what powerful witches do, isn’t it?
By the time Crane and Mills find the old Van Brunt carriage house, it is the dead of night because time in Sleepy Hollow is wonky as hell. Death’s horse — whom I shall be referring to as Binky from here on out — is outside, so they know this is the right place. Crane catches sight of his wife and is ready to bullrush the place but Abbie is all, “Calm down kamikaze. Let’s go back to Cabin Control and get a plan that doesn’t involve instant death.”
Our heroes make a tactical retreat. Again, pointing out that Jenny…boring old non-magical human Jenny…would’ve escaped from the Horseman of War four times over by now. Get it together, Katrina.
Speaking of Jenny, she’s back at Cabin Control with the Scooby gang to figure out their plan. Turns out Katrina’s coven of witches had been in league with Ben Franklin to stitch together a creature powerful enough to match the Horseman of Death. They called it the Kindred, but it’s totally Frankenstein’s monster. Wait, no. It’s Franklinstein’s monster! Unfortunately, they were never able to turn on their abomination because they needed something from the Horsemen of Death to power it. Without magical batteries, it’s just a super disturbing doll.
Meanwhile, Henry has moved into the creepy house from last season. But he’s not there long before Moloch comes a calling and we’re back in Purgatory. Like any lenient parent, Moloch finally remembered he should punish failure, but the message is kind of diluted when you wait that long to dish out punishment. Rookie parent mistake. Moloch is all blah, blah, blah, I’ll find my own way the mortal realm. Blah, blah, blah, don’t fail me again.