It has been 22 years since “Jurassic Park” captured the imagination of a generation. In that time, it has been absorbed into pop culture via quotes such as “Hold on to your butts” and an irrational love of carnivorous pack predators that would just as soon eat your intestines as look at you.

But while the important takeaway from the movie is obviously that Jeff Goldblum should always languish shirtless in every film — and that bringing species back to life that have been extinct for millions of years is a terrible idea — “Jurassic World” is full of other lessons...if you know where to look for them.

Lessons like...


#1. It’s okay to threaten obnoxious children with dinosaur fossils.

There are two types of children in the world: those who love paleontology and those who are wrong. “Jurassic Park” wastes no time in letting the audience know how it feel about the latter. Dr. Alan Grant isn’t going to let some obnoxious brat diss Velociraptors and get away with it. No. He’s going to traumatized that little putz for life, as well he should. If you ever see a kid that says dinosaurs look like chickens, be sure to lunge at them with a fossilized claw-knife.


#2. Playing God will result in the death of your enemies.

Should John Hammond have funneled millions of dollars into creating a theme park where the exhibits can kill you when they break down? Based on the kill ratio...absolutely. Who was really hurt by Hammond’s desire to meddle where man dare not? Most of the employees escaped “Jurassic Park” by boat early on in the movie. Think about it. Of those who became dino chow, three of them were impediments to the park. Dennis Nedry was gonna ruin everything by selling trade secrets, the lawyer was gonna shut it all down, and Muldoon was just a jerk. The only person who didn’t deserve to die was Samuel L. Jackson. Basically, if you screw with evolution, it will repay you by killing mostly people you wanted dead anyway. Win/win if you ask me.


#3. It is time to welcome our Velociraptors overlords.

Oh man, remember in “Signs” when the aliens are thwarted by door handles? Velociraptors have that technology on lockdown. They also are much better at communication between team members and would most definitely not follow their prey into an environment that was 70% toxic to them. Forget alien invasions, we should really fear a resurgence of Clever Girls. The only thing standing between them and total world domination is the half an hour it’ll take them to figure out boat controls.


#4. Nobody cares.

Do you want to make a clandestine deal involving highly sensitive materials and copious amounts of money? Exactly zero people will care. Stop acting cagey and just close the deal.

Mom. Wife. Geek. Gamer. Feminist. Writer. Sarcastic. Succinct. Donna has been writing snark for the Internet in one form or another for almost a decade. She has a lot of opinions, mostly on science-fiction, fantasy, feminism, and Sailor Moon. Follow her on Twitter (@MildlyAmused) for more of all these things.