Janette and Brandon

Choreographer: Jean-Marc and France Généreux, cha-cha

Monkeys As Critics' Verdict: On fire

Oh, Brandon. You’re such a good dancer. But could you please shut your damn trap? The minute he burbled, “She looked beautiful, I looked beautiful... we sparkled in the light,” I wanted to reach for my air sick bag. I know you’re good, the judges know you’re good, but if you start believing your own press, voters are not going to pick up the phone for you, bub.

But I forgave Brandon his ego trip once I saw his hot-cha-cha with Janette. How can you not love these little live wires? Nigel broke out into an uncharacteristic crazy sweat and said he thought it was the best damn cha-cha he’d ever seen on this show. Mary said the footwork look exciting and added that her pet Brandon was brilliant and she gave them two first class tickets on the hot tamale train (I wonder if there’s coach and business on there, too). Mia, backpedalling frantically, said she was tough on Brandon because he has so much ability (riiiight), and then Brandon started crying, and it was a touching Hallmark moment. Mia did remember to tell Janette she was brilliant, which was nice, since everyone was so focused on stoking Brandon’s ego she kind of got lost in the shuffle.