"Mario Kart 8" looks gorgeous, doesn't it? Rainbow Road is a beautiful stream of psychedelic gift ribbon, and players coast along the track on their state-of-the-art Vespas. Should be a wonderful, Disney-esque experience. Wonderful. 

Except some of us can't shake the memory of the horrifying original game "Super Mario Kart" and all of its thankless pitfalls. Koopa Beach is my Normandy. We had it hard in 1992 and none of these damned kids with their blue shells and 3-D kart gymnastics have any idea. Here's a history lesson, toads.